In September I was up, up, up. Well, I've been down and up a couple of times since then. Right now I am definitely down but fighting to get back up.
Exercise and diet were going fairly well and then....well, I don't know what then. I got sick? I got busy? I lost a few pounds and got complacent? The answer to all of these is yes.
As many of you know, exercise motivation is a real problem for me. Almost the minute I take a day off, I'm done. I don't know why. I keep trying to figure out why but I'm not sure that question can be answered by anyone but me. I have always been low energy and I don't like to exercise although I love how it makes me feel.
If I get fairly consistent, feel good and start seeing some results I seem to immediately back off. It's almost like I'm afraid to lose the weight.
If I get sick I immediately stop exercising and then have a major problem getting back to it. I just can't seem to find that internal motivation---maybe I have none. Maybe I just need to make an everyday decision as to what I'm going to do.
I have been a member of Spark since December 20, 2009 and am at my all time high weight. I asked for no pictures to be taken at Christmas (head shots only) because I hate the way I look.
I've started to take some steps to get back on track. I have contacted a wellness coach at Kaiser. I've talked to her once (it's by phone). We'll see--jury is out on that one. I have signed up for a senior aerobics class that starts mid January. I used to love classes but then hated classes. I'm hoping this class will help make me more accountable. I have bought a fitbit one; hoping that will help motivate me.
I'm starting to feel a bit optimistic and even excited to get started again. But, this is not my first rodeo. Been here many times before and here I am again. No real gains. What makes me think I can do it this time? Never been successful before. It seems the initial "romance" of starting over fades for me and the "disillusionment" of the everyday grind sets in. Then it starts all over. I can't seem to ever make it through that disillusionment. OR, I am fairly successful; disillusionment has not yet set in but I start slacking because I feel better and look better and think I've got it "handled". Wrong.
So, negative or positive, I can't/won't/haven't continued to push through to any lasting success. I don't even care if I lose just a bit of weight--I want to look better (toned) and feel better. I want it but just can't seem to make that long term commitment.
This makes me feel frustrated, angry, and ashamed, disgusted.
Well, this is another beginning. Here I go....gonna open that fitbit!