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Some more humour

Thursday, November 12, 2015

QUOTE OF THE DECADE:


A liberal's paradise would be a place where everybody has guaranteed employment, free comprehensive healthcare, free education, free food, free housing, free clothing, free utilities, and only law enforcement has guns.


And believe it or not, such a place does indeed already exist: It's called Prison."

Sheriff Joe Arpaio, Phoenix

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Panicking when her toddler swallowing a tiny magnet; my sister, Betty, rushed him to the emergency room.


"He'll be fine," the doctor promised her. "The magnet should pass through his system in a day or two."


"How will I be sure?" she pressed.


"Well," the doctor suggested, "you could stick him on the refrigerator. When he falls off, you'll know."

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Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."
Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and gently tap edges with hammer."
Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer is really screwed up now.”

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A group of previous kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!


"You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.


"I went to visit my Nana."


"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!"

She then asked Mitchell what he had done.


"I took a ride on a choo-choo." She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN.

You must remember to use 'Big People' words."

She then asked little Alec what he had done.


"I read a book," he replied.


"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"


Alec thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, "Winnie the SH*T."

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A priest was preparing a man for his long journey into the night.


Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil."


The dying man said nothing.


The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing.


The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"


The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."

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