Wednesday, January 20, 2016
Last night, my boyfriend of nearly two years and I ended things. It happened rather suddenly, and I'm heartbroken. I'm also a little bit in shock.
Here's the story.
I recently relocated for work. I was increasingly unhappy in my last job and one day, literally out of the blue, someone called and offered me a job out of state. It's in a relatively small town and at first, I had no interest in the job. I'm decidedly a big city girl and I was happy with my life in Houston. But given that I wasn't thrilled with what was happening at my then job, and a host of other external market factors, I wasn't sure what my job security was anyway. We decided it was in my best interest to make the move, even though it's a time zone and 1000 miles away.
He was actually more in favor of me going than I was. He's been consulting for a few years and has been looking for something more permanent for a while but no luck, and in his words, "one of us needs a steady paycheck." The plan was for him to stay behind for while until he tried to find work nearby. Even before my thing came up, he already had a line on a job about 90 miles away, which would work out great. We might only see each other one night during the week, but we'd have weekends. Knowing that he was going to be close by made the whole thing less scary and terrible. My best friend would be close!
So while the movers took most of my stuff, we packed up my car with some essentials and drove together to my new town. He stayed a few days and the Sunday before I started the new job, I put him on the plane to go home. I cried a lot but I thought it was only going to be for a little while. That was a week and a half ago.
Because we had both been stressed with life, we were both eating (and drinking) too much and put on weight. I've gained 20 pounds in the 2 years I've known him, the first 10 mostly because I got lazy about hitting the gym regularly, but the second 10 in the last 6 months alone were because I was doing everything wrong and I knew it.
He's like an anti-vegetarian, disliking most vegetables. So after he went home, I took the opportunity of cooking for just me to get back on Spark and eat better. Hello, veggies! I planned to see him the first weekend in February and told him that I wanted to work hard for those 3 weeks and look hot. (He said the right thing and that I always look hot).
Last Thursday, he found out that they weren't going to hire anyone for that job, at least not close to where I am. We talked all weekend about how sad it was to be apart. We worked Sunday morning on networking and I had a friend send his resume on to someone in her company. Some jobs in her company are remote and he could work from anywhere.
He said something off via text on Sunday night. I asked if we're going to be okay. He said I don't know. I was stunned.
We hardly talked Monday, even via text, which is highly unusual. Yesterday (Tuesday) morning early, before he was awake, I sent an email and said I feel like he's giving up on us and that it hurts my feelings. He replies later that day that he never meant to hurt my feelings, he just doesn't see how this works. We talked on the phone last night. He said if there's no real and immediate chance of us being in the same place or at least close, there's no point "limping along." So that's that.
I always knew there was a possibility of this happening if he couldn't get a job here. I just thought we were strong enough to make it a lot longer than a week and a half. The flowers he bought me while he was here helping me move are still on the kitchen counter. They've now lasted longer than we have.
I'm feeling lost. I've had so many big changes in the last couple weeks, moving states, changing jobs, now ending a relationship. I just got here and haven't made any friends yet, so I have no one to talk to. On top of which, he's the person I want to call to talk about this. I want his opinion on everything and he's the first person I talk to when I'm down. Suddenly he's just not a part of my life.
I'm not usually this public about things like this, but I don't want to bottle this up. I don't want to drown my sorrows in either a bowl of ice cream or a bottle of wine (though both are tempting). Also, I'm so used to sharing my every thought with him via text, that I've got extra time in my day. Thought I'd make the best of it and write a blog