This is me. This is where I am now.
Monday, April 04, 2016
Here I am. Back to give myself another chance at a life I want. A life where I feel fit and strong, confident and happy in my own skin. A life where I am not constantly screaming at my family, eating to deal with stress and paralyzed by my depression.
I will never reach my dreams if I stay on my current path of self-destruction.
This is me now...
300 lbs. ...so fat that I barely recognize my own face in the mirror. I currently wear size 24 and 26!
I am out of breath just sitting here. My allergies are worst than ever. I can't sleep. My feet hurt. My hips, ankles and knees hurt when I try to move around. I feel sooooo heavy when I try to get up.
I worry that I will break chairs when I sit down or that I won't fit at all. I worry that I will fall down and won't be able to get up. I am stiff. My back is messed up. I have Sciatica.
I worry every day that I could die at any moment...part of me wishes I would.
My sex life is non-existent...I don't feel well, I am depressed and tired. My hooha is numb from the sciatica. My husband is tired and even though he doesn't say it, he is not attracted to me anymore...I don't blame him.
The house is a mess even though I am home all day. I need to find a job but, who will hire a 300 lb., 47 year old, housewife with no recent experience...no one!
What do I want to be? Light! Light on my feet! Healthy and strong. flexible. Happy.
I want to be able to run again. I would like to run a half marathon some day. Could I? Maybe.
I am back here because Spark worked for me before and maybe I can do this again. Maybe I can lose this weight and keep it off this time. I thought I had changed forever before but, my emotions get the best of me. I let myself get depressed and give up.
I will try focusing on a goal that is not weight related now. I plan to walk 1,000 miles! If I can do that...I will probably lose some weight. I have to give it a try. Sitting here is killing me!