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It has hit the fan.

Wednesday, September 21, 2016

Life is just crapping all over me right now. 2016 has been terrible. The only good thing I can say came from the month of September is getting some answers for why I behave the way I do. The last week and a half have tested me in so many ways. And to be honest, I feel like I'm about to just break. I want to run far away, change my name, and start a new life. But I have to handle what has been dealt to me, and I don't know how some days. I've said and done things I regret, and although I did well with food last week, I lost control by the weekend. And I have a hard time feeling bad or even caring right now. I don't even want to get into the whys and the hows on here, because I dont think i can handle one more person giving me unwarranted stupid advice, no matter how well-intended. I just hurt and ache right now. I'm mourning the loss of a life I thought I could have and trying to face reality. I'm trying my best to handle tough situations with grace and care. I'm doing my best to remember to hand it off to God and let him lead the way. He knows how bad I'm hurting, he knows our stress. I keep asking him why, but I guess the why doesnt matter. The answer is, it's life. Life happens. All I can do is act or react. And I'm trying my best to act. My best just can be pretty lame some days. I would love to have a husband who had more grace for me, a child who was capable of obedience, family who didnt nose their way into situations and tell me how it is all my fault. Maybe it is, but at least I'm trying. Depression can eat me alive. I am so raw emotionally it takes almost nothing to get me down, and the big things just destroy me. I'm going to end this in a positive I'm thankful for my beautiful children and wonderful personalities, for how hard my husband works, for the roof over our heads and the money to pay the bills, for my therapist, my church, my friends, for art and writing, for good books, comfortable beds, healthy food, beautiful sunshine, puppy licks, and kid snuggles.
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