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Body Image

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

Looking at me you would see a strong and confident woman. At least that is what I portray. What you wouldn't see is the struggle I have sometimes daily to find the beauty within. After years of childhood abuse both sexual and mental abuse, there are times I fight to find my worth. Through the years I have gotten VERY good at tucking away the voices that pop up and tell me I'm not good enough, that I shouldn't wear something because someone may see my back fat, or big hips and thighs. I have control.....or at least I thought I did!

As I sit here and type this out I just got finished with Day 2 of Shaun T week, and I started crying half way through the workout...and the tears still haven't stopped. See my Mom is here this week and while I love her, I struggle with her. I struggle because she seems to push all my buttons and takes me back to a place I don't want to be. A place that I have overcome! With just a comments like....

- I'm not like you, I can't just wear whatever and have all my body showing the "curves"

- I don't like those workout pants on you, and neither did your brothers when you came out for Grandpa's birthday

- Wait your going to wear that out of the house, you need to put a shirt on that covers your bottom

- I don't know where you got your calves, your brothers all have such nice muscular calves.

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I try so hard to push it away, to brush the feelings of not being good enough away. However today it all just came to a boiling point and I had to let it out. While I was doing my workout I cried. I cried because the whole reason I have body image problems is because my Mom has been pushing the problems she has with her own body onto ME! I can honestly say that for the most part, even though there are parts of my body I don't like, I LOVE ME! I have let her in the last few days over take what I have built, what I have worked so hard to overcome.

I am NO longer the little girl that was a victim of sexual and mental abuse. I am NO longer the girl that had to listen while she was called every nasty name in the book while being called fat and ugly. I am the WOMAN that has the best husband and children in the world. I am a strong and BEAUTIFUL woman that no longer will allow the words of others make me feel like I am not good enough. I refuse to change who I am because another has problems with themselves when they look in the mirror. I am a person that others find motivating and encouraging.

I have a week left with my Mom before she goes home and my goal is to NOT let anything else she say's bother me....what I need to remember is that not everyone has the same mission and goals in life, Not everyone is going to understand why I am doing what I need to. I will be turning these feelings of frustration into my workouts. I will use this as the fuel I need to push harder in the workouts of this week, this month, this year. I AM WORTHY of seeing beauty inside and out, I am WORTHY of the healthy body I am working towards. I am WORTHY of having a POSITIVE body image!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    You are strong and beautiful and I'm glad you realize what she's doing isn't good for you. Can you turn around what she says out loud and say, "Well (I) LOVE these pants on me" or "I love my curves" type of thing? Or would it cause trouble? Maybe if she realizes that you're comfortable with you, she will realize that she needs to be comfortable with both you and herself. While she is projecting, maybe hearing these things out loud will help her turn them around for herself as well. Or if you can't do that, then turn them around in your mind. Replace what she says with the opposite, but what you feel or what you WANT to feel about what she says rather than how it gets to you. emoticon
    1453 days ago
    Wow, you are so pretty! You work out HARD lots, impressive! I love your hair and all the styles/colors you choose, they all look rockin' on you! You look so happy and healthy! You are such a positive Sparkie Motivator to me and I'm sure so many others! You look very toned and strong!

    There. Replace your mom's craptastic statements with these VERY TRUE comments because I ain't lyin' when I say I've seen you around here for quite a while now and I always love your blogs/posts/etc and I really do feel so motivated from them! It sucks when bad words can come from EVEN a family member, especially a MOM, jeesh, but know that she has her own demons SHE has to fight and is projecting her junk onto you with these sickening comments and it has NOTHING to do with YOU at ALL. I know you know this, just big HUGS, GURL!
    -Gina emoticon
    1453 days ago
    I think your mom, my mom and my in law is why you and I build each other and our girls up. We really ARE sisters at heart. You are always beautiful to me, to Terry and everyone you inspire ๐Ÿ˜
    1454 days ago
    Wowโ—๏ธYou are doing great๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿผ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿผ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿผ๐Ÿ‘๐ŸผYou are beautiful, lovely, and loved๐Ÿ’ƒ๐Ÿผ๐Ÿ•บ๐Ÿผ๐Ÿ’ƒ๐Ÿผโ€ผ๏ธ I feel frustrated for you;she's your Mom, but you can tune her out ---as you are doing. Please continue to vent and release in blogs. Maybe, before her visit ends, you will be able to tell her (assertively) that you no longer need her comments, advice regarding your fashion choices. Lol, "after all Mom , I am an adult with children. I can pick out my own wardrobe,thanks for visiting. I love you." Don't know if that helps. Just trying. I am here to listen. You are handling the problem well and that's what a healthy lifestyle is all about: taking care of oneself FIRST, then taking care of others. Thanks for sharing โ—๏ธ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿผ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿผ๐Ÿ‘๐ŸผKeep Sparking ๐Ÿ’ฅ๐Ÿ™ƒ
    1454 days ago
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