Thursday, July 20, 2017
No Im not expecting nor engaged.
These are the AHA moments, as in 'more will be revealed'. Yay, here comes another growing experience! **grimace**
I do in all sincerity, appreciate opportunities for growth. They are just painful living in it sometimes.
My boyfriend and I have an open relationship. And we have been looking for another female add to our partnership for about a year. This btw, is all new territory for me, I had been in a long term monogamous marriage prior to 2015.
We have had a few experiences together in the last year. They have been very revealing to me, and I have learned more and more about myself with each challenge.
Relationships are challenging, however configured. I am blessed to be in a primary relationship with a WONDERFUL man, and we have the most open and honest communication I have every experienced in a romantic situation. We are really best friends.
Im my mind, I had envisioned, and sought, someone much like me. I know what I find attractive, and I go after that. As I have said, we have had some successful, albeit short lived, results. Made some good friends. Learned some things about each other, and definitely have deepened, rather than weakened our bond. It is amazing to have someone to grow WITH.
Suddenly the script is flipped, and its made me nervous. My bf has been friendly with a young lady for a while, and she happens to be MtF TG. They spend more time chatting at recent events. she mentioned a few week ago she is single. I have always felt rather awkward towards this girl - shes rather shy, and simply not my type. Not unattractive mind, just not like what I typically gravitate to.
The challenge: We were out the the other night, and we spend some time talking with her. Actually he was talking to her, and I was mostly keeping to myself, until I got bored and went over to talk to my friends. I received feedback from my bf at the end of the night that he would have liked me to spend more time at the table with them and engage in conversation with her. That he felt he was leaving opportunities in the conversation for me to join in.
And I was like, yeah I didnt pick up on that clearly. And the times I did consider adding something, I held back. I dont want to make it about ME after all. That seems rude. I explained, I dont want to hover, I always give him space when hes hanging out with her, as I just feel like I dont know how to talk to her. They are friends with each other. I told him, I just feel awkward around her, and that maybe she doesn't like me that much. The truth, upon some intensive self investigation: I feel intimidated. It sounds hard and uncomfortable, and outside my comfort zone. Its easier to go hang out with my friends.
Upon making this discovery of my motives, I was appalled. I didnt realize that he was genuinely that serious about this person. And I had essentially abandoned my bf when this situation made me uncomfortable. I admitted my shortcoming to him. He was very understanding, and reassuring. He encouraged me to not be so hard on myself. That our dynamic will remain unchanged, that this is no different than any other kind of engagement, and that I am and always will be his #1.
I was still distressed in my mind and emotions too. And not really able to clearly identify why. Just overwhelmed. I went on line later that night to find out more about MtF TG. A brief research revealed the astonishing depth of my ignorance. I learned so much. I regretted my self centered avoidance. I felt ashamed and ignorant.
I spent some time on the phone talking with an understanding friend yesterday. It helped me to process alot. Im able to identify what type of fears this triggers in me. And though I still have reservations about how engaging with such an individual might affect our current dynamic, I am no longer resistant. I am welcoming. I am curious. I hope that I will have another opportunity to do things differently next time, and get to talk with her like she was any other young woman I might meet.
I see this as a HUGE opportunity for personal growth, regardless of outcome with this individual. Im very grateful to have developed the habit of self refection to this degree, to recognize, almost immediately, when Im in self centered fear. And then what to DO about it.