Changing ones thoughts of themselves.
Friday, August 18, 2017
This is something I have really been trying to work on; Changing the way I think about myself. For as many years as I can remember I have thought pretty low of myself. From a young age, 8-9 years old. I was told I was ugly, I was fat, no one would love me, etc, etc. I have carried that with me and let it eat at my mind and bury itself into my soul.
I have let it sit there and simmer all these years. Letting other things mask it or put a band-aid on it. Letting things like "I am a mother, I don't need to do stuff to better myself, it is all about my kids, my life is about them it is not about me." Just general stuff like that. "Or my husband loves me just the way I am." See masking or putting a band-aid on it.
Well, you know what, my kids are all grown up and 2 of them have moved away from home. The other is 23 high functioning autistic and can take care of herself with just a needing to be guided. So my life is no longer all about my kids. I do have a grandbaby but I am trying not to be one of those grandma's that hover. But he is also a reason I am now doing this.
My husband, my therapist, and even my kids have told me, "It is time to focus on yourself. Figure out what you like and what you need for yourself." You know how hard that is. I was a mother at 18. All this time has been about them. So having to stop and think about what I need and want is so different and feels selfish. There are things I want to do but part of me is like you're a mother and a grandmother, you don't need to do those things, they are for younger people. The other part is, to hell with societies norms, do what makes you feel comfortable in your own skin.
I have been taking steps to do just that "Become comfortable in my own skin". I am working on my weight, I am actually forcing myself to go outside (i am agoraphobic (diagnosed by my therapist), I am exercising and actually liking how I feel. I am watching what I eat, still struggle with drinking mainly water, but it is getting better. I am also changing the way I look at myself. I actually look at myself in the mirror now, I used to avoid it. I have in the works a couple things to change the way I see my outside to make it look the way I see me on the inside.