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Changing My Mind and Sticking To The Plan

Saturday, October 07, 2017

This last week I had a new health concern rear its head. It turned out to be harmlessly benign, but it gave me just long enough to pause and let reality sink in under my skin. Back before I began losing, I had high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and pre-diabetes. Losing 20% made some of those go away and the rest were easily manageable. That's when I got lazy and complacent.

I had lost enough that I felt great. I had lost enough to feel good in my new clothes. I lost enough that everyone noticed. That was 3 1/2 years ago. I am not at goal. I never was. But I am still here. I have "recommitted" so many times between then and now that no one could possibly believe me if I said I am going to get to my goal.

So, I know i am ready to move on a bit further with the plan of reaching goal weight. My blood pressure and my cholesterol have inched up a little bit. My blood sugar is higher than it has been. My clothes are a little tight, though no one would notice but me.

I listen to podcasts by Fatdag at Whysadvice.com He says we have to know our WHY. Our why is what drives us to the end, to actually get to goal and stay there. My why is still exactly the same as when I started. I want to improve my health and live a healthy active life. I want to be able to enjoy life with my children and my grandchildren and feel great living it.

I realize now that 3 1/2 years ago my health had improved. I was able to do anything i wanted and enjoy it. No wonder I stopped in my tracks, I had accomplished my goals. The good news is that I have maintained that weight with a few pounds below or a few pounds above (right now I am 4 pounds above) during that time. But now I am ready to re-establish that good health, and to once again feel really good about my body.

On another soul baring front, some other stress that I needed to peel back a few layers to find: my second daughter is getting married 4 weeks from today. She is a beautiful 27 year old who is nearly finished with a PhD in neuroscience and marrying the love of her life who has been her best friend for the past 5 1/2 years. He was recently appointed as a medical resident at the same university where she studies. I love this young man like one of my own. We have had such fun planning this wedding for the past year and a half. But the past couple of months have left me a little emotionally on edge. I kept struggling with these feelings as I am truly thrilled about this union. Then I gave myself some time to struggle through this.

Daughter #1 got married a little more than 5 years ago to an equally wonderful young man who I love just as much. I hope I can explain this, but since I am mostly writing it for me, as long as it makes sense to me, it is useful. We are now traveling through the same time frame of this wedding as when 5 years ago my husband was dying. I am always surprised that my body and soul seem to relive emotions of that time and it takes a while for my mind to catch up. 5 years ago Sam was in a hospital bed in our living room. Abby would come home to be with us, work on wedding decorations and details, leaving glitter and fluff all around. It was a surreal time with big life events colliding. Sam died 2 months before the wedding. Now we have passed through that same time period with this wedding. My soul mourned as we relived and being an emotional eater who has not completely overcome I creeped up a few pounds.

Now I have recognized what is going on. I acknowledge that I miss sharing this with Sam and I feel cheated. I am measuring, tracking, letting myself feel. I am living my life and I am moving toward goal. I am smiling and knowing that Sam would highly approve of this marriage. He would love the little boys, sons of daughter #1. He would be proud of me for the determination of approaching my goal and sticking with my plan, which is . . .

Drink water, lots of it
Blue dots
Avoid sugar
Walk and/or swim 6 days a week

Have a great weekend, my friends, and stick to your plan. I know I am. Now, it's time for some football!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I am totally and completely in agreement that our body and mind tend to relive certain painful experiences in our life related to what is going on at the current moment. We lost our beautiful son when he was only 22 years old..a few weeks shy of his 23rd birthday May 31st. This has been 11 long years ago as of this last May 2017. Some days it feels like it was an eternity ago...other days it feels like it was only yesterday.

    Grief is a wound that I feel never fully heals. It scabs over so you can at least deal with it but it is always there.. vunerable and liable to break open if you bump it hard.

    Josh's girlfriend got married this weekend. I was very happy for her and her new husband but I was also extremely sad and restless and emotional. I just couldn't help but wonder what things would have been like if our Josh was still here. Would he be the one marrying this beautiful smart gal?

    I know exactly how you feel during this time and I'm wrapping my arms around you in support and understanding.

    I write my blogs for myself also. I'm always blantantly truthful about my day to day.

    Sometimes it gets me in trouble with other sparkers who may be of different minds. (I saw one on one of your posts that I had raised ire with) emoticon I say our blogs are for US, if others don't approve or agree move on...don't be mean...that serves no purpose whatsoever and frankly it's not useful either.

    Hugs to you and I'll be cheering you on during this journey to health and happiness for both of us. emoticon
    1387 days ago

    Comment edited on: 10/10/2017 8:40:04 AM
    We seem to be living fairly parallel lives.

    I too am much improved from when I began almost 7 yrs ago.... even got with in 9 lbs of goal... now I am 25 from goal... I got complacent. I got lazy. I never quit, I never completely left the plan, I just stopped following it the way I should even before Pete passed 17 months ago.

    Life is going on ... and so must we. Doesn't mean we aren't feeling things that are not helping us, but this is life. We can do it.
    1389 days ago
    How wonderful for you to have the strength and knowledge to turn it around. Blessings to you and your family. I know your daughter's daddy is looking down with a smile on his face. Prayers for a wonderful, happy wedding day to you all. Hugs, Beauty:)
    1390 days ago
    What a compelling blog. I feel your pain & loss as well as your determination & your love for your family. You can do what you set your mind to do. You have done so much already! Go for it!
    1390 days ago
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