About 10 minutes into my 30 minute at home HIIT workout the other day, I had a little bit of a mental breakthrough.
I hadn't REALLY felt like working out. I've been on a good streak of consistent workouts since the first, and didn't want to break it, so I made myself get ready.
Just as I was zipping up my hoodie and coming up with 4 or 5 things to do first, because they were "more important" (and, who did I think I was kidding? Because I didn't want to work out!), I stopped myself.
I put the hoodie back on my unmade bed, which could wait.
I closed all the other apps on my phone, put on my favorite workout playlist, and opened my interval timer (FYI: LOTS of free and easy interval timing apps out there!)
I did go ahead and start a load of laundry, but just to begin my day of adulting, not as a stalling tactic (the timing works out perfectly to put it in the dryer on my way to the shower and take it out for folding on the way out... working out more has actually helped me stay more on top of laundry mountain... a full-time artist and a construction worker plus 3 pets make for 2 very busy washers!) so I actually count that as part of the success!
I pulled my step out from under my bed with all the angst of a hungry middle schooler running on no sleep and kicked it into position.
I let out at least a 6.7 on the sigh scale as I pulled out my weights.
I may or may not have complained to the dogs that I didn't even know why I was going to bother if the scale wasn't going to move for FIVE WHOLE DAYS of good behavior (can you believe the audacity?!).
But I kept going.
I filled my water and propped up my phone and rolled out my yoga mat and exercise ball.
I glared at it all a little as I skipped through 4 or 5 songs looking for one that made me wiggle.
I hit start on the timer.
I rolled my eyes at the 5 second count down and let out an audible sigh, but after the last beep, I stepped up onto my step.
I started out pretty lackluster. I told myself that going through the momotions for a half hour wouldn't be so bad, and then I can still know I worked out.
I remember thinking: "I really don't want to be doing this; I just want to HAVE done it at the end of the day."
And then my brain and I took the conversation a little farther...
On the flip side, I'm taking 30 minutes out of my day to do this. I've already started. Why the farts would I waste that time? Who the fluff am I trying to fool here?
"The only person I'm cheating is myself"
Where the fluff did that come from??
That's what I used to tell myself in swimming or derby during a drill when it was hard and I was tempted to skip on reps or effort.
That competitive voice inside of me hasn't had anything to say in a long time, but once she spoke up, she took over.
I made the decision to push myself just as hard, even if I wasn't totally into it mentally, and I did.
During my very last 60 second interval I had to ask myself, how can it be so hard sometimes to make myself do something I want SO BADLY.
I WANT to eat healthy. It makes me feel better and better about myself (that, luckily, has not been a struggle for almost a month now)
I WANT to push myself and lift heavy and sweat hard and improve my overall fitness. I usually even enjoy exercise, particularly in the context of something competitive.
I WANT to feel good in my skin knowing and feeling all the care I've put into my body.
So what's the roadblock here? Why the cognitive dissonance? How do I make my determination and dedication match my desire?
That was it.
I'm a sucker for alliteration!!
So my focus for now: strive to make my determination and dedication match my desire.