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Things said without thinking

Monday, April 09, 2018

One of the hardest things about grieving is holding my tongue when someone says something, trying to be kind, but without thinking.

For example, telling me my children are in "a better place." I mean, yeah, I get that they are in heaven, which should be everyone's goal, but I would prefer that they were here with me, thankyewverymuch. Or when I say that I am unable to do much because one of the physical effects of trauma is being completely exhausted and fatigued, and they tell me I should go back to working full time to take my mind off of things. "Everything happens for a reason" is a really rough one, because I don't see a reason except the court system is broken, and that's not a comfort.

The things that are helpful, however, are the friends that say, "Do you remember when they_______." Or the ones who say "I can't imagine what you are feeling, but I am here for you." Or the ones who know that I'm having a tough few days, so they come by with take-out chicken and waffles as an excuse to see me.

I'm learning a lot about how to be kind, and how to accept kindness.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • LIZZIE138
    Every one grieves in their own way and own time. You do what you feel you can do. emoticon
    1200 days ago
  • PICKIE98
    I agree with BLESSEDBEING. Things are said out of care and concern. True friends just show up or call. Only you know a timeline for your grief and work ratio. If you prefer to hear people ask about happy events or things said in the past, TELL THEM. Just a "What little thing can you remember about her or them that you love?" Maybe they are afraid it will trigger pain or tears for you, TELL THEM it will only bring a smile.
    Not one single person on this planet can remove your feelings. Only you have that POWER.
    I love seeing your pictures and hearing your thoughts and stories. They are little gifts to us and you, all wrapped up in pretty paper and loving bows. That is a memory worth cherishing.
    Keep in mind that most of us would never have heard any of this without your blogs. That is a great gift from you to us.

    1200 days ago
    I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine. Sometimes people just don't know what to say. I have been through my own set of trauma. I know for me, it can rub me the wrong way. So if they aren't really that close to me or if I am not coping well at the moment, I will thank them and move on...because they just don't know and to explain it doesn't necessarily help.

    Over time, I have also learned that sometimes, you have to say what you want.. and maybe you don't know. I know for me at times I didn't because I didn't know or I was fearful of saying....but when I could say it.. It helped my some of my friends understand and come closer. Your true friends will always be there for you. Everyone heals at their own rate and ultimately, you need to do what is best for you, regardless of what the peanut gallery says. Sending lots of love, light and hugs. emoticon emoticon
    1208 days ago
    I'm so sorry people say thoughtless things. I'm glad you have friends who say the right things and who come by to see you. That's worth so much. Wishing you all you need to get through each day. Prayers...
    emoticon emoticon
    1209 days ago
    I'm sorry you get unhelpful comments. I know I can get triggered by others trying to tell me how I should feel or to impose their beliefs on my experience. I'm just very glad that you are reaching out and letting us know what's going on with you. And I'm so thankful you have people close enough to you to help physically. Since I'm not there in person, I will continue to send virtual hugs along with my prayers.
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    Blessed Be, Amanda
    1210 days ago
    It will never go back to where you were before, and you can’t “get over it”. You will heal at your own rate, and to your own limits.
    1210 days ago
    I have never walked in your shoes, but I have experienced grief. Cherish and embrace those memories that make you smile to yourself or give you joy in the middle of your sorrow. I'm glad you have friends there coming by and spending time with you. Chicken and waffles and naps are all good things.
    1210 days ago
    It's hard to get my head around the agony you must feel. As others have said, and as you clearly realise, people mean well when they make such unhelpful comments. I hope that you'll continue to blog about your beautiful daughters plus how you're doing. Sending loving thoughts and hugs across the pond.
    1210 days ago
    Please continue to take good care of yourself, sweetie!! Sending healing emoticon and warm fuzzies your way... emoticon
    1210 days ago

    When you open the door to the police standing there to tell you the unthinkable your life will never go back to "normal". No amount of work is ever going to take away you thinking of your children. Over used platitudes are nothing but trite and frustrating to hear.

    I agree with you so much. Tell me a story that you you will always make you smile, share memories.

    Please keep blogging, keep sharing your daughter's stories and do whatever you need to do to keep yourself healthy, body and spirit.

    1210 days ago
    Everyone grieves differently and on their own time table. Take care of yourself. emoticon
    1210 days ago
  • EISSA7
    There really are no words....I cannot begin to imagine your pain. I am glad that your friends are supportive and loving through their actions. emoticon
    1210 days ago
    Some people just don't think. I am sure they mean well. emoticon
    1210 days ago
    It's understandable
    1211 days ago
    I'm sure you realize that many times folks feel they have to say something because they don't know what to do or say otherwise, even if it's not necessarily the best thing (this is why so many of these clichéd statements have become so common - and *overused*)........

    1211 days ago
  • P61763
    Thanks for sharing
    1211 days ago
    I will be saying dua for you and your girls with my prayers,May Allah heal you
    1211 days ago
    1211 days ago
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