Meeting myself half way.
Wednesday, February 27, 2019
I keep talking (and whining) about how I want to be and feel like a different person. I look at myself in the mirror and I still see myself in my past. After moving last month, I feel like maybe I really can step into a new life? Not just in physical location, but in my internal view of myself too.
What makes you, feel like you? Is it the clothes you wear, or the way you do your hair? Maybe?
Maybe I do need to change the external me, to change the way I think and feel and interact with this world?
Today I bought myself two new shirts. (ok well they are the same shirt, in two different colors) But I love the way the fabric feels on my skin, and sits on my hips, while still hiding the little tummy left over from having babies.
I lost about 50 lbs this last year, I know that the cloths I have coming into this new season, are from the "Old me", The girl who was so far from who I am right now... and yet for whatever reason, I still see myself as her.
My past has cast such a dark cloud over my outlook for such a long time. Today, I can say something is different. Like I stepped out of prison, and seeing the world with a different outlook. Perhaps in part, there are no triggers here from my past. The only people I know in this whole country are my husband and kids.
I could be anyone... Who am I going to CHOOSE to be?
I'm starting to become acquainted with some of our "soon to be" neighbors in our village where my children started school this week.
Yesterday, during introductions with our friendly British neighbor John. I started sharing stories with him I hadn't remembered in a long time. I introduced myself as an artist, and wanting to start up some small art classes locally once we get settled in. (Who is this confident person who would teach art?) He was introducing me to his two Welsh Cobs, who wandered over to greet me as well. I shared how my family had started a horse rescue when I was in my teens. (Who was this person who helped so many foals in those days?)
He was seeing the me I forgot I was, and after saying polite goodbye's I started to tear up, as if remembering myself in a different way apart from the painful bits.
This morning after dropping the kids off, another American transplant welcomed me this morning with some quick introductions. The kids are not the only ones having to deal with being tossed into an established community hoping someone offers a greeting. I have always felt like a fish out of water when trying to make new friends. Yet this morning it felt easier to be more open. Something my anxiety fueled mind would not have been so trusting of in the past. Why though? Why does meeting new people have to be so scary? Perhaps its simply a better environment then I have found myself in the past?
I've decided I'm going to roll with it. Everyone will be meeting a new me from here out.
Including myself. While still honoring the parts of me that make me, me.
I get to choose, and that is refreshing. So much of my life I haven't had that luxury of choice.
I don't want to let this opportunity, of a true fresh, start go to waste.
I'm meeting myself halfway.