Friday, August 16, 2019
It’s been almost 11 months since my last blog…
Oh my goodness, how life has changed…
Today marks 9 months since I made a life changing decision. After my crisis in the Caribbean, which was extensive in the many “AHA MOMENTS” I had in those precious 3 weeks. It’s funny how sometimes the most difficult times in our lives can bring forward so much positive growth.
I was in a job I despised. We have all had that job. The one where you feel like you are swimming uphill, against the current, and no amount of effort is getting you very far. That’s where I was.
I was morbidly obese, as well as in an excruciating amount of both physical and emotional pain. I was still trying to do all the things I love to do, in a body that was not cooperating.
I was 15 months into sobriety, and seriously wondering if this was it…
The week prior to that vacation, I spent in the ER with a blood pressure of 184/110. Yeah, that’s the “STROKE zone”. I had all of the symptoms of a heart attack, including trace amounts of troponin in my initial blood work. When I went for my stress test, I couldn’t even complete it, I was in such horrible shape. They had to finish chemically. It is still an absolute wonder to me that I was even cleared to go on that dive vacation.
I almost drowned on that trip, because I panicked. Like I said, it was the gateway into an incredibly life changing journey.
I learned on that trip that I needed to unequivocally put myself, and my well being first. It was a tremendous gut check on where I was placing my worth and my value.
The difference between most people, and people that MAKE changes, are the people that DO IT!! It’s incredibly uncomfortable to change. It’s hard, it feels wrong, and all of those uncomfortable words that go with leaping into the unknown.
I have zero regrets. Z-E-R-O!
We got home from that stunning, heart wrenching vacation, and I quit my job. Saw my Nurse Practitioner, then my doctor, my therapist and scheduled a consultation with a bariatric doctor. A month later, after running it by my family, my sponsor and all my health care professionals. I went to Mexico and had a gastric sleeve performed. I had been researching the procedure for well over a year after my youngest daughter had hers performed. Trust me when I say, this was my last ditch effort…
Bariatric surgery is not EASY. It is not for the faint of heart. It is by far and wide the hardest way you can possibly lose weight. You have 85% of your stomach REMOVED. Never to heard or seen from again. If you do it correctly, you have to change EVERYTHING. You will never eat the same way again. You will give up a lot of the foods you used to love. You won’t ever experience life the way you became comfortable experiencing it before. It’s rough.
I won’t lie, even after 9 months, and adjusting to this new way of life, I STILL have days where I wonder what the hell I have done to my body. I get 3 bites into an amazing meal, and my stomach tells me I am done. I have had to have therapy to adjust to these changes. I suffer from body dysmorphia. 126 pounds in 9 months is, well, a crap ton of weight to lose in a short amount of time.
Today, I celebrate where I’m at. Perfectly imperfect in my journey. I have loose skin. I’ve given up all my vices. I honestly have no idea what I even look like most of them time. And astonishingly, my self esteem has taken some pretty serious hits. I knew how to be a “big girl”. This new, thinner me, well, let’s just say, we have a hard time seeing eye to eye most days.
I still get sick if I eat the wrong thing, and I am forever one 8 oz. glass of water away from dehydration. I have had to learn balance, self-forgiveness, and patience. I have had to learn to love myself exactly where I’m at.
For me, this has never been about achieving a “hot body”, or looking like a super model. Those have turned out to be bonus options. I wanted to be healthy. I wanted to live my life on terms that were comfortable and achievable.
Self love vs. Self loathing.
Live your best life. Find a direction and take it!