Sunday, September 22, 2019
I'm super sick, i was fiverish yesterday.. no wonder i had a crappy week! I'm getting a little better but not without the help of otc medication. Pff. I've been feeling weak and tired and bloated for most of last week.. hopefully it'll get better once this virus dies.
I wanted to share something with you.. As you know, i battled with depression for the last 2 years and in the last bit, i gained quite a bit of weight rather quickly. I don't have a lot of money and i couldnt really upgrade my wardrobe, i think i was a bit in denial as well.. but there, 6 months, +25 lbs, so my clothes are a little tight.
I am noticing, rather frequently, people staring at my belly. They would start by eye contact and just go all the way down as a head to toe look, but i SEE them stopping and looking at my belly. At first i too looked at my belly, to see what was wrong! lol. Most often it's thin people, people who give the impression they are obsessed with their own weight maybe? But i see them do it, and it's from colleagues, bosses! strangers at the store.. i find it a bit hurtful. Is it judgment? is it because my belly doesn't match my face? Do all people with showy bellies have to live this situation? It makes me sad and mad and self-conscious.
Like yea, i get it, i have a belly! Are these people trying to make me feel like i should be ashamed, like i don't have my place in the world? Like they pitty me? I don't know what to do with the feelings it left me when they're no longer in my visual field, it lasted 2 seconds for them, but it lasts many more for me.
Anyway, thanks for reading, i just had to let it out. I'll go back to my kleenex!