Since my last blog post things have continued to be a struggle for me and while I was able to right myself for a bit, this past week while away on my work trip for the entire week I just gave up to stress and negative emotions by the end of the week and now I am again asking myself why do I do this to myself?
First two nights away from home on the work trip I did well. Stayed on plan for eating, and exercise, but then the stress and the over worked time frame had me giving in to not working out and not staying connected to my SP family, and I even stopped following my YouTube influencers, and I gave in on my progress on the 75 Hard Challenge I had set for myself. The third night is when it all went to pot for me. I went back to the grocery store to pick up some work related items that I needed and gave in to getting some treats that I don't typically eat. While the treats I selected were Keto friendly (Rebel ice cream, and Chocolate bar) it just started a very poor rest of the week.
Fourth day, was a 16 hour day and when I returned to the hotel I went on a binge mode that was just ridiculous.... off plan food (Cheetos, Reese Cups, and Twix bar)....eaten beyond my planned Keto approved food for the evening. Why did I do this?.... The food tasted great at the moment, but the feeling and release of stress did not last long by any means. Instead it of course brought on feelings of self deprecation, guilt, and self hatred for being so very weak, not to mention waking up feeling bloated, and joints hurting on Day 5 of my work trip.
Day 5.... started day out ok and stayed on plan, then again gave in be over tired and cravings coming on after going off plan on day 4. Again, over ate (on approved foods) and then the sabotaging thoughts kicked in .... "You have already messed up, you haven't worked out, and you know you have gained weight back due to going off plan, so go ahead.... eat what you want.... you already blew it big time, and it will make you feel better"... and thus again continued to eat above calories and off plan with another bag of Cheetos and another Reese Cups.
Why do we lie to ourselves? Finally made it home and am now dealing with the weight gain, severe guilt, self hatred, bloating, and being extremely over tired, pain from the poor eating habits and lack of sleep and exercise. New sabotaging thoughts hitting that I need to just do a water fast to right myself and double down on exercising to try and make up for going off plan. Punishment for doing wrong... right? This sounds fair in my head and completely justified for going off plan and not following through with the goal that I set for myself. I mean why shouldn't I punish myself for doing wrong.
Then there are the thoughts of anger that hit me and the questioning of why do I have to fight so hard for this health journey. Never seems fair that some seem to have it so easy and do not gain weight no matter what they eat, while I have to watch and control everything that I do and put in my mouth. Sometimes I just wish that I did not have to focus so much on this and to put so much effort in to this journey. I get so frustrated, tired, angry and extremely jealous.
Some of my influencers that I listen to say not to punish yourself for going off plan as it sets a very bad relationship with food for yourself. Therefore, I am trying to ignore the self sabotaging thoughts of the punishment that I feel that I deserve, and am instead just going to get back on track with my WOE and my proper plan for exercise. Get back to tracking food and really being totally accountable for my health and how to get to goal.
My concern is that I am again being sent out for three days for another work trip this next week. Will I be able to stay committed to myself and get back on track so that I feel better and finally meet my goal? Time will tell for sure, but I definitely have started my return to self love and my health journey by journaling here my struggles as a reminder to myself to hopefully help if I again start to struggle as a reminder that going off plan does nothing for me and does not provide any comfort, but instead causes more issues all around.
"If hunger is not the problem, then food is not the solution"