SP Premium
500,000-749,999 SparkPoints 636,017

Without warning or reason....

Tuesday, February 09, 2021

I find myself here...

...inside a great deep hole filled with blues.
Perhaps the unrelenting cold (below -40 for over 2 weeks now) has finally frozen my spirit.
Perhaps the PTSD dreams that haunt my nights are now trying days on for size, as well.
Perhaps my 'season of the soul' has returned for a new conversation.
Perhaps is is simply another chapter as grief journeys through, once again.
I feel inexplicably 'out of place' 'at loose ends' 'cast adrift'.

I am in a funk.


1. a (state of) depression, a bad mood, a low, the dumps, the doldrums, a blue funk

2. a bad smell

3. avoid (a task or thing) out of fear.

(the gist: my brain is trying to kill me)

As happens occasionally, I'm inexplicably and suddenly struggling... and all three definitions are apt. I'm wandering through an emotional wasteland holding my breath and with wrinkled nose, as if some psychic malodorous humor is tweaking the end sharply.

I've been keeping the amorphous 'it' at bay with good habits and practices since the beginning of January, but this week 'it' up and over-took me. I've tried to focus on connection and usefulness, but my traitorous and unreasonable mind insists that it was all for naught and my efforts were (at best) annoying... energy wasted.

I am acutely and uncomfortably aware of my feelings... which are dark and blue... inextricably mired in shadows and disappointments and fears.

I'm also once again confirmed in my convictions that guarding my heart and mind from the little things that chip away at my well-being must be a priority.

Elements such as:
• the people with whom I associate
• the conversations in which I participate
• what I read
• that to which I listen
• where I invest my heart
• where I spend my energy
• how I occupy my thoughts
• what I allow to shape my expectations
• the degree to which I take care of my body and spirit

...all are part of balance and wellness in my world, and must be treated with equal honour.

So, I persist in moving forward the best I can....

...and at least I've moved a ways beyond all of the other times.

I refuse to fall down.

WOMEN WHO RUN WITH WOLVES by Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes

"There are times in a woman’s life when she cries and cries and cries, and even though she has the succour and support of her loved ones, still and yet she cries. Something in this crying keeps the predator away, keeps away unhealthy desire or gain that will ruin her. Tears are part of the mending of rips in the psyche where energy has leaked and leaked away. The matter is serious, but the worst does not occur–our light is not stolen–for tears make us conscious. There is no chance to go back to sleep when one is weeping. Whatever sleep comes then is only rest for the physical body. Sometimes a woman says, “I am sick of crying, I am tired of it, I want it to stop.” But it is her soul that is making tears, and they are her protection. So she must keep on until the time of need is over. Some women marvel at all the water their bodies can produce when they weep. It will not last forever, only till the soul is done with its wise expression."

"Refuse to fall down. If you cannot refuse to fall down, refuse to stay down. If you cannot refuse to stay down, lift your heart toward heaven, and like a hungry beggar, ask that it be filled, and it will be filled. You may be pushed down. You may be kept from rising. But no one can keep you from lifting your heart toward heaven."

- RUMI -

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

(Complete Poems 1904-1962)

i am a little church (no great cathedral)
far from the splendor and squalor of hurrying cities
-i do not worry if briefer days grow briefest,
i am not sorry when sun and rain make april

my life is the life of the reaper and the sower;
my prayers are prayers of earth's own clumsily striving
(finding and losing and laughing and crying) children
whose any sadness or joy is my grief or my gladness

around me surges a miracle of unceasing
birth and glory and death and resurrection:
over my sleeping self float flaming symbols
of hope, and i wake to a perfect patience of mountains

i am a little church (far from the frantic
world with its rapture and anguish) at peace with nature
-i do not worry if longer nights grow longest;
i am not sorry when silence becomes singing

winter by spring, i lift my diminutive spire to
merciful Him Whose only now is forever:
standing erect in the deathless truth of His presence
(welcoming humbly His light and proudly His darkness)

"Tears, like blessings, water the parched garden of my soul -
Flowers of rare scent and beauty inform my being this day.
The Master Gardener tends to the weeds of doubt, despair, fear....
I bloom where I'm planted."
RAMONA, 2002

May today and every day bring to you a ridiculous abundance of whatever you need. May you find peace within and all around you. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith and desire... a desire which even itself issues from God. May all your concerns, struggles, anxieties and fears fall like ashes as you rise on eagle's wings, SOARING above all that would hinder you along this tremendous adventure of being and becoming all you are created to be. May you answer your call and use those gifts that you have received to pass on the love that has been given to you. May the presence of God settle into your bones and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love beyond your wildest imagination. May you be overwhelmed by the grace of God as it simply "overtakes" you moment by moment... rather than being overwhelmed by the cares of life!

{{{{{{{{{ HUGS }}}}}}}}}

"I have the nerve to walk my own way, however hard, in my search for reality, rather than climb upon the rattling wagon of wishful illusions." ZORA NEALE HURSTON, letter to Countee Cullen

...today, I can breathe... as LOVE reclaims the atmosphere:

Burlap to Cashmere: Love Reclaims the Atmosphere

I'm staring at the mirror
As the shadows plague my room
In every risen hero there's a choir that resumes

I used to be a soldier but a painter I became
I used to walk on water but now I fan the flame
Oh the busyness of traffic as her garden starts to wither
She opens up her violin so the darkness can forgive her
And today we'll crucify the fear
As love reclaims the atmosphere

There is guidance in transition when the body starts to rust
The earth begins to rumble and the particles of dust relay
That message of decay
Oh the busyness of traffic as her garden starts to wither
She opens up her violin so the darkness can forgive her
And today we'll crucify the fear
As love reclaims the atmosphere

Be honest in transition when preparing for the feast
Send blessings to your critics and careful with the least of these
Release the prisoners free

"When the waves close over me, I dive down to fish for pearls."

Share This Post With Others
Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I just read this blog, after reading some of the comments on today's post. I suffered from clinical depression for many years, and am sorry that you are having such a hard time. For me, a combination of cognitive behavioral therapy and drugs helped a lot. The therapy saved my marriage, and the drugs will be with me for the rest of my life. I know that everyone is different, and responds differently to the various treatments available. I hope that you are getting help.

    Hugs, Gail
    72 days ago
    88 days ago

    This was all so beautifully said, and my heart goes out to you as you struggle. You are really wise, and I know that if anyone can rise above and find balance, it will be you. ((many hugs, Ramona))
    91 days ago
    Oh friend, pretty funkified in these parts. Physical, mental, emotional exhaustion. Depression and darkness lurk, This is a tough time of year for me in the best of times. SAD is an annual visitor. My mood therapy lamp helps, I’m an exercise freak. That sweat and those endorphins are sanity savers for me. I try to find moments to create whether it’s in my kitchen or my “room” my first ever dedicated space to do super important things (or nothing) in our new home. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I’m so very sorry. Depression heaped on grief is an unbearably hard burden. I’m including a link to a YouTube video of a song by Hope Darst, the lyrics are included. It’s a powerful prayer. We’re walking one another home sweet chica, link your arm through mine...we’re truly better together.
    Imagine, actually going through my friend feed. It nudged me back here. Glad it did as the link was messed up. Of course it was...

    94 days ago

    Comment edited on: 2/12/2021 8:08:42 AM
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    95 days ago
  • SPICY23
    I have always loved that Rumi poem, gives me a better appreciation for the hard times 'hopefully clearing the way for something better.' I also find February to be a difficult month to stay upbeat and positive but I have come to understand it too shall pass. It always does. The sun will come out and spring will burst forth.

    I also enjoyed this: "I have the nerve to walk my own way, however hard, in my search for reality, rather than climb upon the rattling wagon of wishful illusions." ZORA NEALE HURSTON, letter to Countee Cullen.

    It meshes with your comment to me: Our reality manifests our subconscious thoughts, not our conscious plans. What we believe about ourselves and tell ourselves will always have a greater impact on our reality than will our goals.

    This was the exact issue I was trying to navigate: recognizing that my thinking and beliefs are part of my problems. I described my current 'reality' rather than my wishful illusion of being infinitely effective and assertive. I am not certain how to install beliefs and subconscious thoughts that are contrary to reality or my basic nature. I apologize if my self-inspection seemed harsh or unloving, but to me honesty (even when hard to accept) is the most loving course of action. If we can't see something about ourselves how can we possibly address it or take action to move past it?

    Sending you compassion,

    Peace and Care
    95 days ago
  • ALOFA0509
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    95 days ago
  • BJAEGER307
    95 days ago
    emoticon Psalm 91 emoticon
    96 days ago
    There is no other way to go through this depressing landscape that suddenly became everyone's world than to occasionally feel the actual oppression we are experiencing. It's not just anything, it's just everything and the most careful, guarded and good practicing person still has to feel what would be natural to feel under these circumstances. There are defenses against it, good practices to ameliorate it, and, hopefully, friends and families to offer comfort and respite, but it is there. I feel it, too.

    96 days ago
    ((((HUGS)))) The extreme cold you have certainly unrelenting for a long tiem has an affect on the mood! We've had bitter temperatures for a few days and it gets to me.

    I applaud you for writing your feeling out and sharing them.

    Wish I had some words of advice to make it all better, but we both know that's not possible. Just know you have many who care deeply.

    HUGS (can't have too many).

    96 days ago
    Beautifully expressed.
    96 days ago
    It is the "dark months" and the cold gloom seems to seep in everywhere. Little things will kindle despair (an older John Prine love song brought buckets of tears earlier this week). Anger arises when we lose control of our immediate environment (a blizzard followed by in my view dismal attempts of street cleanup by the condo maintenance crew). And yet the sun shone yesterday and began to melt the ice and snow and I was able to shed my hat and mitts for awhile and soak in its healing rays. Putting your thoughts to paper and then sharing them is healing for not just yourself but for the others who are in this funk as well. When we speak about our troubles it lightens our hearts. Today I must play some Leonard Cohen, specifically listen for the lyrics "There is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in". Be well....MJ emoticon
    96 days ago
  • -POOKIE-
    I'm sorry you are feeling like this.
    I'm proud you decided to share your feelings and seek your friends out instead of shutting yourself away (something I definitely do instead).

    This past year has been hard on our emotions in so many ways, the continuing drain, uncertainly, fears, disappointments, it all wears away even the strongest resolves.

    You are not alone in this feeling, but we have all weathered previous storms and we are all still standing. We have always come through because we have been stronger than the storms. And we will continue to be so.
    96 days ago
    It's kind of ironic isn't it, that those are so able to lift others up and help them see the light are so often unable to prevent themselves from falling back into the darkness? I'm so so sorry to hear you are struggling again dear friend.

    "Refuse to fall down. If you cannot refuse to fall down, refuse to stay down. If you cannot refuse to stay down, lift your heart toward heaven, and like a hungry beggar, ask that it be filled, and it will be filled. You may be pushed down. You may be kept from rising. But no one can keep you from lifting your heart toward heaven."

    This is wonderful. I hope these words resonate strongly with you. I hope the poems you've chosen speak to you and help you. The Rumi is so wise and emotive. The photography you've chosen are such powerful images, poems in themselves. I love what you wrote in 2002; it is so beautiful....let the Master gardner take care of you.

    You've been here before , so many times it's unfair, but it serves to let you know that the storm WILL pass. You have great tools in place, and I'm here if you want to talk. emoticon emoticon emoticon

    96 days ago
    Be that soaring eagle o4 that Phoenix rising from the ashes - you are getting ready to continue your successful journey.
    96 days ago
  • BERRY4
    A very wise. godly woman who I had the privilege of knowing somewhat, for a season, wrote some short booklets that were always helpful to me. They have been out of print, so I don't know if they can be found other than in "Used" locations?!

    Her name was Dr. Pamela Reeve. She wrote Parables by the Sea, Faith Is..., Parables of the Forest, Deserts of the Heart, Relationships, and Parables of the Vineyard.
    96 days ago
    The pit of despair ... it can feel so deep and dark. This funk ... this too shall pass. As by your quoted references, we are not alone in feeling this way. The storm will pass, the sun will come up, life will get better ... hang in there until then.

    96 days ago
  • Add Your Comment to the Blog Post

    Log in to post a comment

    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.