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GRAMMACATHY's Photo GRAMMACATHY Posts: 25,964
4/14/10 8:37 P

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It has been a lot of years, but I can't begin to tell you how many times I picked up the phone to call my sister. That went on a couple of years. Coping with grief is a journey.

Cathy
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RAINBOWFALLS's Photo RAINBOWFALLS Posts: 51,811
4/14/10 11:17 A

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I understand what you're saying. For me it was the opposite parent. At six I lost my father and last year I lost me mother. I felt very orphaned this Easter for some reason. It hit me pretty hard.


MUFFINSKI's Photo MUFFINSKI Posts: 235
4/13/10 7:56 P

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Hi, last year at this time, my dad died suddenly. I guess it gets better each day, but I still wish I could talk to him. Sometimes, when the phone rings, I think, "Oh, it's dad, he'll be mad that I haven't called." Then I remember.
My mom died when I was 7 and my dad raised my sister and me, so we were all so close.
I really miss him.

"Whenever you think that you are facing a contradiction, check your premises. You will find that one of them is wrong." Ayn Rand


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GRAMMACATHY's Photo GRAMMACATHY Posts: 25,964
3/18/10 12:22 A

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Kat,
I am glad you found our posts. I guess we are playing catch up with each other here.

Cathy
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3/17/10 8:09 P

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GRAMMACATHY's Photo GRAMMACATHY Posts: 25,964
3/17/10 12:23 A

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Kaye,
I am so glad you have posted. One of the lovely things about this team is that you can post anywhere, at anytime, about anything that is on your mind. We want you to feel comfortable here.

Many teams have rules and regs. We don't. Our goal here is to help each other by sharing our stories.

Sometimes we feel like laughing and teasing. Other times we are sad and serious. When one of us is struggling with an anniversary date, others are able to step in and offer the words of encouragement to keep us on the path to loving acceptance and good health and wellness.

Some people don't post at all, but follow along and read what we post. I hope that they can find some comfort in that.

Going through the grieving process is not neat, tidy or orderly. We keep cycling through stages, sometimes getting stuck in one or the other, till hopefully, we come to a place where life has finally, assumed a different normalcy.

For the most part I have found normal again, and even joy in the new grandson due in August. But, still I struggle with March and the memories. So when I need to sort that out, to keep me from comforting myself with food, I sit down and write to all of you on this team. It is nice knowing you are all here for me.

Kaye, I hope you will find peace here too. Write as you are ready. Sometimes, just popping up an emoticon is enough. You can write a book like me, or you can write just one word. Just do what feels right for you.

My only word of caution is that if you rant and rave (which we also do here) remember that even though your page may be blocked the team threads are not. Dad always said to never say, do or write anything you would not want printed on the front page of the local newspaper. I think it is sound advice. Spark people has this information somewhere on the site. I learned about this ability to Google Spark names about a year ago.

Wrap yourself in love. May you find comfort.
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Cathy
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KAYE454 Posts: 3,470
3/16/10 11:13 P

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I don't know how to do this or when to come in Thanks

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3/16/10 6:02 P

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RAINBOWFALLS's Photo RAINBOWFALLS Posts: 51,811
3/12/10 9:50 A

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KAYE4454 - I have sent you an email. Please join us in the March Chat thread to talk and share anything you feel like sharing.





GRAMMACATHY's Photo GRAMMACATHY Posts: 25,964
3/12/10 1:00 A

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Kaye,
I am so sorry for your losses. We are here to listen and be as supportive as possible. I am glad you were able to post. Many of us find writing to be theraputic. It also is helpful to know that others have experienced similar losses and understand the roller coaster that is part of the grieving process.

Are you hooked up with a support group in your home town yet?
www.compassionatefriends.org
Rainbow belongs to Compassionate Friends in her community. I would like to encourage you to check out the website.

The other thing would be to study up on the stages of grieving. It was helpful for me to know that what I was thinking and feeling and doing was pretty normal and that eventually, I would find "peace" again.
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Cathy
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KAYE454 Posts: 3,470
3/11/10 10:26 P

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I have had a double dose I lost a son in a accident and now I lost my husband. I need to talk to others that have experienced loss. So I found the Spark book at Barnes and Noble so here I am.

GRAMMACATHY's Photo GRAMMACATHY Posts: 25,964
3/9/10 11:58 P

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Cathy
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3/9/10 7:02 P

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GRAMMACATHY's Photo GRAMMACATHY Posts: 25,964
3/7/10 11:25 P

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Hi Kat,
Come over to the March Chat thread and chat with us.

Cathy
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3/7/10 4:36 P

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3/7/10 4:33 P

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GRAMMACATHY's Photo GRAMMACATHY Posts: 25,964
3/5/10 12:06 A

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Kaye4454
Welcome to our team. It is a good place to express all the different stages of grieving. Please come back and post when you are ready.

I would have gone to your Spark Page, but for some reason I seem to be locked out of several pages today. Hopefully the system will be fully operational again tomorrow.

Cathy
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GRAMMACATHY's Photo GRAMMACATHY Posts: 25,964
3/3/10 11:51 P

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It is the only thing that works for me too. So why do I resist tracking. Think I will go log in the cookies I ate today. Thanks for the reminder.

Cathy
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RAINBOWFALLS's Photo RAINBOWFALLS Posts: 51,811
3/3/10 8:39 A

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Congratulations on your nomination. I find counting my calories helps to keep me on track. I log everything I eat in the Nutrition Tracker and will think twice about eating something I shouldn't.

Good Luck.


GRAMMACATHY's Photo GRAMMACATHY Posts: 25,964
3/2/10 11:43 P

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I have been struggling with the cookies all week and it showed on the scale this week. I hope you are all having a better week. It must be time to start counting calories again. I keep sabotaging myself everytime I hit that 13 pound point.

On a brighter note, I was voted co-leader at TOPS this evening, so maybe that will help keep me focused. I so badly wanted to lose ten more pounds before May this year.

Hope everyone is getting a good nights sleep.

Cathy
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RAINBOWFALLS's Photo RAINBOWFALLS Posts: 51,811
3/2/10 1:30 P

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You are so right about finding others that have walked in your shoes. I was not a person that would ask for help much less think I needed a group to work through my grief. However, I have found much comfort and now that I give back to the group this also brings me comfort.

I'm glad to hear that your little one is making progress.


GRAMMACATHY's Photo GRAMMACATHY Posts: 25,964
3/1/10 10:10 P

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Doing for others is the best way for me to avoid becoming self absorbed. I have discovered when I don't teach Sunday School, I tend to get depressed, because I don't leave the house on Sunday. When I am forced up and out, because some kids expect me, then, I feel better about myself. Maybe if I had better self-discipline this would not be such an issue.

My little one on the Caring Bridge site was able to eat and drink a little yesterday. She is still making progress.

You are right about the ages of a child not making a difference. My oldest daughter and step children are nearing middle age. I would still be devastated.

My oldest step-daughter miscarried and was never able to have children. She still grieves the babies that were not born. Her problem is that people do not hear her grief, because the unborn babies were never real to them. That is why it is so important to find people who have actually walked in your shoes.

Cathy
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RAINBOWFALLS's Photo RAINBOWFALLS Posts: 51,811
3/1/10 6:13 P

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I have also heard of caring bridge. The one thing we always talk about at our meetings is that it does not matter the age of the child/sibling nor the way they died. We loved them all the same.

It sounds like you do a lot of good work for others. That is an admirable trait.


GRAMMACATHY's Photo GRAMMACATHY Posts: 25,964
2/28/10 12:11 P

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My husband uses humor too. I am more of a Pollyanna. I keep telling myself positive things and eventually they are true. Isn't there a book out there called the Power of Positive Thinking.

My sisters are 14 and 15 years older than me. They were like sister/moms. My grandma also lived with us, so I was the baby with four moms. Talk about spoiled.
emoticon

Dixie was 48. I will be 57 in June, so she has been gone a long time. She died in a car accident. I had never lost anyone from anything other than old age before that. So her death had the biggest impact on me. I am lucky I have a strong faith base. I know that she is living her next adventure and I hope it is a good one.

Right now I have a medically fragile student, who is on the mend from a surgery. The surgery was ok, she just did not recover as anticipated. She has been in the hospital for 20 days now. I get quite attached to the babies I work with, so the faith really helps in situations like this. The family did not post on Caring Bridge last night, so I am assuming that is good news.

Cathy
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RAINBOWFALLS's Photo RAINBOWFALLS Posts: 51,811
2/28/10 11:55 A

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I also wanted to ask you how old your sister was and were you two close in age while growing up?

I can understand why you wouldn't want to worry your parents with your struggles. I didn't want to show my boys too much of my pain. I'm sure they saw through me because I had a friend at work tell me what she saw.



RAINBOWFALLS's Photo RAINBOWFALLS Posts: 51,811
2/28/10 11:44 A

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I only remember little things about my dad. I was the youngest and only girl and I guess I was Daddy's little girl. He had a special seat for me in his company vehicle. Thinking back I would say that it would not pass today's laws of proper child restraints. To me that is kind of funny... I try to use humor for dealing with my sadness at not having these people in my life.

The one thing that bothered me was that we didn't talk about my father enough. Many people believe that they shouldn't talk about the deceased. When my son died I said there is no way we won't always remember him and honor his life. After his death I felt so badly for my grandmother never realizing her struggle with the loss of her son (my father). I had only looked at his death from my perspective. Needless to say I became a safe person for her to talk about him to. She later shared pictures of my dad from childhood and I made a collage.

Wow you really opened up some memories. Thank you again.


GRAMMACATHY's Photo GRAMMACATHY Posts: 25,964
2/28/10 12:54 A

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You are welcome. I have heard of Compassionate Friends.....I just checked out their website and see they have many helpful brochures.
www.compassionatefriends.org

You went through so many untimely and difficult losses in your life and yet you show much compassion and kindness. My parents, like you did for your sons, embraced me even though I was an adult. I was very lucky. It was the wierd things I could not get a grip on, and I could not bring myself to tell my parents. I kept trying to call my sister. I thought I saw her on the street everywhere I looked. I kept forgetting she had died. I had to put her death notice in my wallet to remind myself so I would not say something insane to my parents. I was soooooo.....mad at her. It turns out all of that is normal. I just did not know it till my co-worker gave me the literature.

Do you remember a lot about your dad? I lost my grandpa at age six and I have so many good memories of him. I hope you were blessed that way too.

Cathy
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RAINBOWFALLS's Photo RAINBOWFALLS Posts: 51,811
2/27/10 7:19 P

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Cathy,
Yes I am very involved with the Compassionate Friends group for my bereavement. We have a local chapter where I live and I am the newsletter editor and treasurer for the group. This group also reaches out to siblings. I am so glad you found support. That is the one thing I tried so hard to remember to do and that was tell my other two boys how much I loved them and that the also meant the world to me. When a parent is grieving for a child they sometimes can't give enough to their other children. We all grieve in our own way. I found them a help to keep me wanting to get up the next day.

My mother was also in a place where it was her time. She had Alzheimer's, which is a tough disease to watch someone go through.

I would also like to share that at the age of six my father died in a car accident. Even though the norm is for parents to die first, he was not in my life long enough.

Thank you for sharing some of your story and being here to share in mine.


GRAMMACATHY's Photo GRAMMACATHY Posts: 25,964
2/26/10 10:58 P

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Val,
I can't even begin to fathom how it would feel to lose a child. My heart is with you. I also understand what you mean about your Mom. I miss mine too, but she had lived a full life and most of it was pretty good. It was her time to move on. That was so much easier to accept than when I lost my sister to a car accident.

Are you connected to some good resources on the stages of grieving? I seriously thought I was going insane after Dixie died. No-one thought about the needs of the little sister. Luckily, a co-worker who had a lost a son the prior year recognized my problems and reached out to me. She connected me with some resources, so I had information on what was normal and what I should be worrying about. It was her loving compassion that prompted me to join this leaderless team and keep it going, so we all have a safe outlet to grieve at whatever stage we were in.



Cathy
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RAINBOWFALLS's Photo RAINBOWFALLS Posts: 51,811
2/26/10 7:28 P

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Hello, and thank you for the welcome. I joined this group because some of my weight issues came after the loss of my oldest son. I had given up and let myself go. After a few years I pulled myself together and lost 70 pounds. Then last year my mother died and I had a couple of medical issues that didn't allow me to do the regular exercising I was doing and I put on a boatload of weight again.

I know this weight gain isn't all because of grief, but there is some link to me having issues after a loss. I am a stress eater and I also belong to the emotional eaters group.

Don't take this wrong, but my mothers death was so much easier for me to handle then my sons. Ironically though, I started this program last week only two days after the anniversary of my mothers death.

I swear there is no worse feeling then losing a child. I will forever grieve for my son and during his anniversary month, which is also his birthday month and mother's day I will need to reach out for support to stay strong.

Thank you for being here.





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2/26/10 2:57 P

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GRAMMACATHY's Photo GRAMMACATHY Posts: 25,964
2/24/10 9:31 A

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Sometimes it is hard to even just write when we are grieving. But I would like to encourage you to come back and post when you do feel like writing. It can be quite theraputic. Also, former leaders and current leaders have posted some good resources for identifying the stages of grieving and coping. So I encourage you to check around in some of the older posts. You are also welcome to e-mail us directly if you need to write, but do not wish to post on the forum. We will listen and be supportive.

Cathy
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