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LADYDI2049's Photo LADYDI2049 SparkPoints: (0)
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10/13/09 11:00 A

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Thank you all for your expressions of love and support, it is such a comfort to be able to share with people who understand. This is a difficult week for my husband and myself making all the arrangements. But there is a ray of sunshine in our lives, my son and his fiance have been house hunting for some time and last week they found the home of their dreams. I got the call yesterday that their offer was accepted. We are all extatically happy. It seems almost ironic, one life ended and another new life for my son is starting. Julia would have been so happy to know this, I'm sure she knows anyway. Again, thank you all for your support.

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Edited by: LADYDI2049 at: 10/13/2009 (11:01)
"Stay Plant Strong"

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TAMINGDRAGONS's Photo TAMINGDRAGONS Posts: 11,818
10/13/09 10:48 A

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Welcome to the team, LADYDI!
emoticon for sharing your grief with us. It is so sad that your MIL did not have the support of all her family. She must have been so grateful for you and your hubby. What a trouper to not complain with all that she had to deal with in this life. You are a blessing, not just to your husband and his Mom but to us.

An experienced dragon slayer-tamer stepping into the light of each new day in 2020!
For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. II Timothy 1:7 KJV
And who is he who will harm you if you become followers of what is good? But even if you should suffer for righteousness sake [for what is right], you are blessed. And do not be afraid of their threats, nor be troubled. I Peter 3:13-14, NKJV
Warrior, Demi Lovato https://youtu.be/


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MARYGNOMES's Photo MARYGNOMES Posts: 2,602
10/12/09 6:01 P

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So.CA Desert..... What I resist, will persist. I can achieve what I believe. Life is what I make it. If it's to be, it's up to me. ("I" need to take the action!) Just do it! Utilize, don't analyze. Oh yah, baby steps, baby steps...


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SMURFETTE2423's Photo SMURFETTE2423 Posts: 3,295
10/12/09 2:23 P

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LADYDI- Bless you for the love and care you and your husband gave to your mother-in-law. She may not have been able to see with her eyes, but I'm certain she knew how wonderful it was that her son found you. I know you are really sad and grieving the loss of that dear woman. You and your husband have a new guardian angel up in heaven now, and she can see as clear as day. Come here often; grief is not for sissies and we all need support during the rough spots.Love and hugs to you, Laurie
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Without a sense of humor, you may as well keel over and die, so LAUGH!


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SMURFETTE2423's Photo SMURFETTE2423 Posts: 3,295
10/12/09 2:15 P

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PAM-You sound like a smart woman.I think you have weathered this very bad storm really well. TAZ is right. You MUST give yourself permission to take things easy while grieving. It IS exhausting. I know that you want to be healthier, as do we all, but I just don't want you to get down on yourself if that new, healthier you doesn't SPRING into ACTION immediately. You have quite a bit on your plate right now, so treat yourself gently, OK? Sending much love and many hugs your way, Laurie
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Without a sense of humor, you may as well keel over and die, so LAUGH!


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LADYDI2049's Photo LADYDI2049 SparkPoints: (0)
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10/12/09 10:58 A

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Hello team, I have been with Spark People for awhile, but new to this team as my dear mother-in-law and friend Julia, passed away this past Friday. This is my second marriage and Joe and I have been married a little over 5 years. Julia and I seemed to have immediately formed a bond when we met. In my first marriage my mother-in-law disliked me and made life difficult for 20 yrs. Julia was so worried that Joe would be alone the rest of his life so she was thrilled Joe found me. During the 5 years Julia and I became very close, she was completely blind so her life was difficult but she never complained. On August 15th she was diagnosed with acute renal failure. Since she was 92 dialysis was out of the question and she didn't want any life extending treatments. It was so difficult these past 2 months watching her decline day by day, but the blessing was that she never had any pain. It's only been 3 days, but I miss her terribly. She has 3 children counting my husband and 4 adult grand children and it is breaking my heart that none of them (except myself and my husband) ever came to see her before she passed and of course are not around for my husband. For the past 3 years it has just been Joe and I there for Julia. She lived in an assisted living facility so it wasn't daily care we gave her, but we visited regularily taking her out to lunch, doctors, hair appts. doing her banking and bills and such. Fortunately my family has stepped up to support Joe and I. So not only am I grieving the loss of Julia, I am also grieving for my husbands lack of family support for him.

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"Stay Plant Strong"

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TAMINGDRAGONS's Photo TAMINGDRAGONS Posts: 11,818
10/10/09 10:33 A

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emoticon to the team, Pam. You have been through the wringer, and noone walks very well after that! It might take awhile before the energy returns. C.S. Lewis said in one of his books that he had no idea that grief was so exhausting. It is so true. For way too long, just putting one foot in front of the other and doing the necessary things is maxing out for ME! I remember one friend telling me over and over, in person and by email, to rest, rest all I needed and then rest some more. In actuality, she was the only one giving me permission to do that most of the time! I think her advice helped me a lot!

Generally, we seem to take our cues from others on how we should be when we grief. I see that as a big mistake because very few of us are prepared and know how it should be. In my opinion, as long as we are not doing something illegal or damaging to ourselves or others, its okay and we need to give ourselves permission to make our own path.

Breathing is a huge issue for a long time - many people have said this. I didnt really concentrate on it until I became a SparkPerson just over three yrs ago. Taking care of oneself is vital. In regard to our children, they need to know that its okay to grief and that our grieving is not because of anything they said or did.

I also believe that grieving affects everything for a long time, perhaps we can just say, everything from now on. I often describe things as before and after the experience(s) of a loved one taken in death.

Anyway, you are doing so much and it sounds like you have a lot of options in regard to diverting yourself. Ive gotten very good at making grief dates with myself. As in, I can cry tomorrow or I will rent a sad movie Friday and cry my heart out. I find it is very important that I keep my dates and not allow the agony to build up.
Wish I could come give you this in person emoticon

An experienced dragon slayer-tamer stepping into the light of each new day in 2020!
For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. II Timothy 1:7 KJV
And who is he who will harm you if you become followers of what is good? But even if you should suffer for righteousness sake [for what is right], you are blessed. And do not be afraid of their threats, nor be troubled. I Peter 3:13-14, NKJV
Warrior, Demi Lovato https://youtu.be/


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PEBR63's Photo PEBR63 Posts: 60
10/9/09 1:24 P

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Hi Robin,

Thanks for the welcome :-) When I referred to the things I need to do, I meant the urgent and important... like going to class, minding due dates on assignments, stopping at the store to pick up the necessities (only 2 squares left on the roll necessities, lol). Prioritizing has become a strong focus these days, because dealing with the unimportant can be put off until I feel I'm in a better place menatlly to deal with them.

I attend a grief support meeting on most Wednesday nights, when I can make it. That's been great because there are people there who "get it". Sometimes, the meeting after the meeting at Starbucks is just as great :-)

No, I don't deal well with change, but I do accept that it is inevitable... it's a fact of life.

Work... not much as I'm self-employed. And that's okay, since I am a full-time college student... and trust me, I'm getting out ;-)

I have 2 kids... my son will be 18 next month :-O and my daughter is 15. They were so great over the summer, caring for their step-dad while I was at class. For the most part, they keep up with their part at helping around the house... depends on the day.

Am I depressed? Hmmm, I don't think so. With the exception of days that I don't have class and hang around home, I get going fairly early in the day. I talk to friends on the phone, go to class, etc, etc. For the most part, I am trying to just go with the flow... deal with the stuff that comes up, IF & WHEN it comes up, since I haven't found that dwelling on it in advance has been much help.

I've always been a bit on the heavy side, although it has gotten out of hand during various times over the years. The progress I can see is that for the past couple of years, I've either stayed close to the same weight or went thru slow weight loss. I can live with that, considering the alternative :-) What I'd like to do is make small changes... that seems to work best for me.

...back at ya :-)
Pam

Edited by: PEBR63 at: 10/9/2009 (13:25)
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ROBINFAITH's Photo ROBINFAITH Posts: 1,322
10/9/09 10:46 A

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Welcome,
Reading your post made me think, thanks you. (:
My Stepmother is close to endstage lung cancer.
The most important thing I see you might need to do , is not be so caught in a time constraint about (needing to do things). If they are positive (like coming here (o;, that's important for you!
I am so sorry you lost your husband so young. I guess there is no limit on time with that one, I am sure it hurts at any age.
Have you been to grief counseling? Is losing your husband totally keeping you from doing what you"need" to do? If so your in the right place!
It sounds like change for you right now is a big scary monster.
It sure can be.
Are you working? getting out?
Any children?
It kind of sounds like(I could be very wrong) that your a bit stuck in the same place. It's that stupid fear of the unknown stuff. That is if I am on track.
Are you depressed? I don't mean down, but depressed to the point you are isolating yourself, and just kind of existing?
I do that often but Spark and it's members have helped me a lot.
did you gain most of your weight since you lost your husband? Such a traumatic thing! If so you have taken the first step, and it's a big one! a positive one! A healing one.
If you want to talk go to my Spark Page, and send me a Spark Mail. Or we can all talk on here. Sounds like you may need a buddy. Don't we all?
hugs,
Robin

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PEBR63's Photo PEBR63 Posts: 60
10/9/09 9:10 A

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Hi everyone,

I'm new to this group, but not to SP. My husband passed in August 3 years post-diagnosis of colon cancer.

On one hand, I feel like I am struggling to keep up with the things that I need to do. On the other hand, I'm just grateful to do the most urgent things and leave the rest for another day. I keep telling myself that all of life is about change, and that change can be good.
:-)

Anyway... it's important to me to get some focus on a healthier lifestyle. I am trying to make healthier choices in what I eat, however, the desire to exercise... well, I'm still trying to figure out how to get motivated.

Pam

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((. .. Pam -::-
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