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6/17/11 10:57 P

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Cathy,

Thanks for posting. It helps to hear other women's stories. I too am recovering from abuse, and Gabby gave me a link that has been key in the slow change that has started to take place in my thinking this week. Please check this out. It is changing the way I think about myself every day, and allowing me to take in the reality of the things around me instead of echoing the abuse of those around me throughout the years.

http://www.dailyspark.com/blog.asp?post=
why_conquering_negative_selftalk_isnt_
about_you

(A big thanks to Gabby! This is amazing.)

Eli

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6/16/11 12:33 A

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emoticon Cathy, I'm glad you are here. You had the strength to get away, and now you can go about creating a life *you* want to live--one tiny step at a time. emoticon emoticon (I'm very big on babysteps) I hope this team and others you may join will be an excellent source of support and motivation to making positive choices and changes.
Blessed Be, Amanda emoticon emoticon emoticon

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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GABBY308's Photo GABBY308 Posts: 11,172
6/15/11 4:04 P

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Cathy I'm glad that you came forward. We are all here to support each other. When we've been victimized as children, we do have a tendency to pick future relationships in which we are a victim again. You survived! You have a wonderful son! You have people who support you now, here and at home and you will find peace within yourself. emoticon


" Donít eat less; eat less often."
"I want to see what will happen if I don't give up."




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TIAD21's Photo TIAD21 Posts: 545
6/15/11 11:53 A

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Welcome to the team Trevorsmom91 and thank you for sharing your story here. I am really glad that have found your way to Sparkpeople. I think that you will find us to be a supportive group. I'm glad that you have also found a supportive group in real life. That can definitely be a lifesaver! Best of luck on your journey and I hope to see you here often! emoticon

Co-leader: Survivors of Abuse Team. teams.sparkpeople.com/SoA Co-leader: Parents of Teens Team. www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=22491fromSparkPeople.com.

Wanna-be cheerleader: www.oldfatcheerleader.blogspot.com


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TREVORSMOM91's Photo TREVORSMOM91 Posts: 270
6/15/11 10:34 A

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Hi Everyone,

My name is Cathy

My abuse started out when I was a small girl 5 years old with my grandfather and sexual abuse. I never shared this until I was in my 30's. I was a very socially awkward all during school and still sturggle with that and I believe my inability to talk to people the way I would like started with this early abuse. I married when I was 18 and was so emotionally abused and cried my entire marriage. Little did I know that the person I was married to was struggling with his own identity and wanted to be with men. After being with him for 20 years he walked out and is now living the homosexual lifestyle. It has been several years since he left and I still struggle with the loss. I still care about him deeply. This struggle is really holding me back I think from going forward. I did have another 7 year relationship after my husband with someone that showed me all kinds of attention but it turned out to be the wrong kind of attention. I was just so starved for attention at that point. He was a gypsy and came from a violent background. I wish I would have known more about that lifestyle when I met him. He abused me physically, sexually and emotionally on a daily basis. He and his family destroyed my home and I lost everything I had. God did give me the courage and strength and after 7 years and I ran. I was so afraid of being alone without a man. I have proved that I am worth something and do not need a man to be a person. I think I let my identity be based on having a man in my life. I am trying to figure out how to make my own identitiy and what I enjoy.

On Sunday I will be 48 and I have got to find a way to be happy in this life and not be depressed or be an emotional eater. I attend Celebrate Recovery at my church and it has been a lifesaver.

I am on the path of changing my life letting God walk with me every step of the journey.





Cathy
Plano, Texas
Central Time Zone
Black Panther Team


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GABBY308's Photo GABBY308 Posts: 11,172
6/10/11 3:44 P

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Josborn thank you for giving her that helpful information!


" Donít eat less; eat less often."
"I want to see what will happen if I don't give up."




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BLACKJACK9500's Photo BLACKJACK9500 Posts: 153
6/10/11 10:19 A

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Eli, I agree with gabby308 there are alot of resources out there that can help you locally that don't cost a lot of money if any at all. I was in your situation I had a low paying job and despite the fact I was a single mom of two and not getting child support at the time I was not eligable for grants or help through the state. So I went around to my local churches and got a lot of information there one of which was how I found out about the victims resource center. Every county across the US has one. You can check in the phone book or google it under your area. They will be able to refer you to a counselor based on income and insurance. I didnt have good insurance at the time and through them I found a counselor who was awesome who did it free of charge for me till I was able to get a better job and then only charged me 10bucks a session as to not strap me for payment. There are people out there you just need to utilize your resources. Through your local churches they have victime groups for all kinds of things were you could walk to or even have someone in your area already going pick you and take you if you dont have transportation. There is a lot available you just have to look. They dont come to you, you have to go to them. But once you ask for help they will do what they can to assist you. My counselor even came to my house during some sessions cause I didnt have a babysitter. Dont worry it will all work out.

Edited by: BLACKJACK9500 at: 6/10/2011 (10:35)
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6/10/11 8:16 A

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Eli I'm sorry for my error about children (Your niece is adorable). It's good that you have your parents to stay with. That's such a big help. I'm not as worried about you. Blessedbeing's suggestion about the library card is good. The right self help books can help. I think that I recommended two already. We have a topic with more books, CD's, etc.. I look forward to your blog! emoticon


" Donít eat less; eat less often."
"I want to see what will happen if I don't give up."




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6/9/11 11:11 P

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Eli, I hope you have a library card and access to a library. You can always see what self-help books are available. Putting positive words, & thoughts into your consciousness is one positive step to take. If you are a member of a church, you may have access to pastoral counseling. (Is that the term, my Christian sisters? I'm pagan myself, but I have Christian friends who have made use of this aspect of their community.) I know some lawyers do pro bono work. Do therapists? By phone? Just wondering!

I'm a big believer in babysteps. Neither recovery nor the journey to well-being are a race. It's good to take it slow, making small, consistent positive changes in your thinking and your actions. Picking just 1 or 2 goals on the Other Goals tracking page is one place to start. Let us know how it's going! Stay strong, and always be gentle with yourself, for you are precious!

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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6/9/11 9:57 P

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Gabby,

I'm a single female with no kids, (The baby in the pic is my niece.) Unfortunately, I make just enough money that I am ruled out for nearly all of the government help that is out there for single people.

I live with my parents which helps a good deal as it keeps my rent at a reasonable rate, and I'm working on regaining some mode of transportation again. Once I have that, I'm going to have to start looking for a better paying job.

On the up side, my mom is very supportive. While I can talk to her about a lot of things, she's in a pretty rough spot herself right now. I try to be strong for them because I know they need me as much as I need them right now. I have plans and goals in mind, but it's going to take time to build and repair the things I've lost in all of this. Financially, emotionally, and physically. I'm just glad I've finally found a place where I can have wonderful women like you guys encourage me and help me when I need a hand up.

Look for a Things I'm Grateful For blog sometime tonight.

Eli

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GABBY308's Photo GABBY308 Posts: 11,172
6/9/11 3:58 P

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I understand the no money and no insurance, having been there myself. Things can turn around and you do have us for emotional support. Do you have anything where you live in the way of gov't offices? There a so many things out there for a single mother in your circumstances like job training and grants to go back to school. Are you living on your own?Do you have family to help you? I'm asking these questions because I think it's also important to have your basic needs met, and so many women aren't aware of what's out there for them.

The others have also given you excellent advice. I especially liked the idea of the note on the bathroom mirror. I too used a journal when I was really suffering and it helped a lot.

Why don't you start by listing all the things you are grateful for and then what your goals are. You can keep it private, blog about it or post them here, but it's important to write them down. emoticon emoticon

Edited by: GABBY308 at: 6/9/2011 (15:59)

" Donít eat less; eat less often."
"I want to see what will happen if I don't give up."




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6/9/11 12:22 P

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Thank you all for the posts and encouragement. I've needed that a lot this week. Therapy and Groups aren't an option as I have zero transportation and live 50mi round trip from the nearest place that would afford me these options. I also work a next to minimum wage job with no insurance, so money is always limited. I've dealt with depression most of my life, but the last few years are taking their toll. I'm trying natural remedies to curb my depression, the physical pain that comes along with it, and rehabilitating my body from old, untreated sports injuries. It's a lot to try and tackle all at once, but I don't think I can find what I need without addressing all of these issues... And for lack of a local group I've turned to you guys. I'm hoping to gain insight into my behaviors and eventually learn to deal with them appropriately. Thanks for all your help guys. I'm gonna do my best to face this thing.

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BLACKJACK9500's Photo BLACKJACK9500 Posts: 153
6/9/11 11:38 A

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Hi Eli, I understand what you are going through. It has been 4yrs now since I've been away from my ex and I still sometimes hear is voice in my head telling me how useless I am and how I could never manage without him and of couse how I was a terrible mother to our two daughters tec. I still have a low self esteem that sometimes gets the better of me but over time that will get less and less I promise. I agree with the others that maybe you should look into counseling in your area aside with being part of this group. I went to counseling for 2yrs which helped me and my daughters a ton. One thing my counselor told me to do that might help you out is she asked me what was the first thing I did in the morning after waking up and what was the last thing I did at night I told her I prushed my teeth. So she wrote a note saying "You are a strong, indepentent loving, caring beautiful person who has accomplished so much so far and will accomplish so much more" She made me put that on my bathrrom mirror and had me say it outloud to myself in the mirror every morning and every night. It actually helped. Just like with verbal abuse if you hear someone over and over all the time you will believe it. Well it took a little while but I did start to believe those words and saw a change in me. My daughters asked me about it and I told them what it was for so they extended it a little bit by leaving me notes through out the house and in my car telling me how proud they are of me and how much they admire the strenght I have and so forth. You have so much self worth cause if you didnt you would still be with him. I also kept a journal over the years and when I'm having a bad day I go back to it and read how things were back then and what I was going through and feeling after I left him and I see just how far I have come. I know it's hard and its a long road but its a road that you don't have take alone. You have a large support group who will carry you along the way till you have the strength to go it on your own and even then we will be right there next to you :-) The only regret I have is the reget of taking my Ex back I divorced him when my eldest was 18months but then took him back believing he had changed only to find out he hadn't. I had another daughter with him which I adore as much as my eldest but my eldest daughter remembers a lot more and to this day she has always questioned why I took him back the first time. I don't really have a valid answer for her and that still to this day pains me and is my only regret. Don't worry you will get through this and like I said you don't have to do it alone and it certainly won't happen over night. My ex told me I could never manage without him that I was a terrible mother and I should be lucky to have him cause no one else would ever want me etc. Well now 4yrs latter I have my own house, full perm custody of my daughers, who think I am an awesome mom. a great guy in my life, a nice car, a good job, friends, family, bills are paid and money in the bank. What does he have, well a pretty decent job, no house (rents from a friend or lives in his camper) a junker of a car, a no contact order against him for me and his daughters, no money, bills up the you know what and cant stand on his own two feet. So I guess I got the better end of things emoticon and everytime I achieve one of my goals I think about all the stuff he will never achieve. :-) We are a log stronger then you think.

Edited by: BLACKJACK9500 at: 6/9/2011 (11:46)
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TIAD21's Photo TIAD21 Posts: 545
6/9/11 11:27 A

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Welcome Eli! There is definitely life after abuse and this is a good step in the right direction for reclaiming your life! I am so glad you found this team and I hope that you keep coming back and posting! emoticon

Co-leader: Survivors of Abuse Team. teams.sparkpeople.com/SoA Co-leader: Parents of Teens Team. www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=22491fromSparkPeople.com.

Wanna-be cheerleader: www.oldfatcheerleader.blogspot.com


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6/9/11 10:48 A

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Welcome, Eli! I'm so glad you took this step! I would encourage you to acknowledge every single step you take on the road to recovery and wellness. Some of us who are organizationally challenged (that's me! any others on this team?) find To Do lists daunting, so we prefer Did, or Things I've Done, lists to record what we've accomplished instead of always focusing on what remains (which we often unfairly internalize as failure).

I agree with Gabby that therapy with the right (for you) professional or group can be immensely helpful! There are many good books to read including You Can Heal Your Life by Loiuse Hay--I'm also big on affirmations--though I recommend people entirely skip her chapter on What I Believe. I don't agree with everything she believes, and I don't have to for the affirmations to help.

Wherever you start, I really do like the idea of beginning a My Journey journal in which you record and acknowledge every positive step you take: new thoughts, new habits, tasks completed, water drunk, sleep, nutritious eating, exercise, stretching, reaching out to others--all the ways you are learning to treat yourself better. We all need to stop focusing on what we don't like (where & how we are now), or where/how we wish we were instead, and pay attention to--an celebrate!--every small step we take along our path to strength and health, to reclaiming our personal power and manifesting our true glory and beauty, to liberating the goddess within.

Please realize I'm speaking to myself as much as to you, Eli. I'm finally regaining my own spark after a post-traumatic stress episode a couple weeks ago. We are all in process, and we all have the power to heal ourselves and to help others to heal as well. Again, welcome to the team. I wish you great joy and success. Blessed Be, Amanda

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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GABBY308's Photo GABBY308 Posts: 11,172
6/9/11 9:27 A

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Eli have you sought counseling or joined any support groups (other than this one)? I'm very glad that you decided to join us. First of all, you were the victim. You shouldn't hate yourself, for what was done to you. Have you ever used affirmations? They helped me a lot with my self esteem issues.


" Donít eat less; eat less often."
"I want to see what will happen if I don't give up."




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TBF2011's Photo TBF2011 SparkPoints: (0)
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6/9/11 12:06 A

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Hello all,

I'm new to the team and have been struggling in my recovery the last few weeks, so I've decided to reach out. I spent three years in a mostly verbally and emotionally abusive relationship... Though as most of them do, things turned physical in the end. I have been gone for two years now, but I find myself stuck in the pit of self-hatred and lack of self-confidence... I still hear his voice and everything he ever told me seems to be ingrained... I had an abusive father who mostly focused his attentions on my mother, but it seems as if that has bled its way into my personal relationships. Now I feel like damaged goods, and my self worth is completely shot. I'm hoping that joining this group will help me to see that there is life after Abuse, and maybe even set me on the path to finding it.

Eli

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GABBY308's Photo GABBY308 Posts: 11,172
6/2/11 10:22 A

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You are so right about there being other women who are in the same situation you were in. Some are members of this team, so I'm sure your empowerment will be such an inspiration to them.

I understand. My father was an abusive drunk who hit my mother on occasion, but mostly verbally abused her. Times were different back then (she is 84 now), and divorce was not an option for a Catholic. She supported us. She worked full time, took care of the house, while he had a mistress, partied a lot and played the bigshot. People loved him. They never saw his darker side. No one suspected what went on in our house. He also verbally abused my brother. It took my brother years to get over his feelings of inferiority and inadequacy.
She finally divorced him after my brother and I moved out and went away to college. She had a great job as an executive secretary, bought a beautiful home for herself, but never wanted another relationship. She never wanted another man telling her what to do.

So I applaud you. As much as I admire my mother, I wish that she had not held the mistaken belief that she should stay in a dysfunctional marriage for the sake of her children. My brother and I would have been much better off without him. You gave your daughters a gift.

Other women are afraid that they can't afford to live on their own, but there are options. There are women's shelters and agencies that specialize in helping women by giving them counseling and running support groups to increase their self-esteem. They help them find independence with practical help like job training, interviewing techniques, finding financial aid for apartments and food and clothing. There is so much out there, but it's sad that some are too beaten down to seek it.

Thank you for sharing your story!


" Donít eat less; eat less often."
"I want to see what will happen if I don't give up."




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BLACKJACK9500's Photo BLACKJACK9500 Posts: 153
6/2/11 9:33 A

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Hi I actually found this team from a friends sparks page. I didnt realize that it was here. I'm 41yrs old and am a survivor of physical abuse by my ex. It took me a while to get out but I finally have and no longer have to deal with him in my life. I went through all the normal routes to divorcing him, taking him back and remarring him cause he said he changed only to find out it was a lie. He was both physical, emotional and verbally abusive. I have two daughters and didnt want them to go through what I did. Their dad now has a no contact order and is not a part of my daughters lives. I cant say it's been easy but I know now that I was doing it all on my own when I was with him in regards to raising my daughters, paying the bills, etc. I know I can do it on my own without him in my life. Its just hard to move on and get out when you are put down so much and all your self worth is gone. I have so much more in my life now that he is no longer a part of it. I have my own home, I pay my own bills and I can come and go as I please and dont have to answer or get permission from anyone. My daughters are stronger now and are actually able to live the life they should as kids and I am a lot stronger person. I can't say it's been easy and there are days I just want to give up. however I have been working day by day to better my life and to slowly get my self esteem back that is one reason why I joined sparks people. I want to get back into shape for myself and be even better. I'd be lieing if I said it doesnt make me happy knowing that every achievment and goal I make in life and achieve it is a great motivator knowing that my ex has nothing in his life. It's nice to know that there are people out there that are in the similar boat as me.

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5/29/11 9:09 A

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You would be suprised how many service women are sexually abused and are too afraid to speak out. It could mean their life if they did, because they fear no one would watch their back in combat situations. My heart breaks for them!
Then there's all the judges who give light sentences to sex offenders. I thought of trying to keep track here, of which ones were most guilty of that and then protesting their re-elections, but I didn't know how to start.
Recently, a 26 year old pedophile jumped out of his van and knocked a 13 year old off of her bike and tried to grab her. She fought him off and ran to the nearest neighbor. The man was caught a few miles away. He picked the wrong girl. This girl started taking self defense lessons when she was 4 years old. She was a black belt! I'm not saying that every girl should be able to fight off her attacker, but I liked this story and cheered when I saw it on the news!

Edited by: GABBY308 at: 6/2/2011 (09:59)

" Donít eat less; eat less often."
"I want to see what will happen if I don't give up."




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5/28/11 10:55 P

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I wondered if it were possible to change the name. I like the idea of linking surviving with thriving, such as Surviving and Thriving, or Beyond Surviving--Time to Thrive. I don't think it's healthy to stay perpetually stuck in the ugliness or focusing always on the pain. We can't wish it away or skip over the work, but it's about ultimately reclaiming our joy, our power and our wholeness--at least it is for me.

Where are your statistics from? Back when I was beginning my work the guesstimate was between 25 and 40 percent. But I haven't kept up with reading or studying. How widely accepted is it that the numbers are well over half? I'm not terribly surprised, but it truly pisses me off, and I wonder when are we going to voice our outrage that enough is enough, and it has to stop?

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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5/28/11 5:18 P

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This team wasn't active before either. I'm also in a Metaphysical team and only volunteered to be a co-leader there because there was no leader, but I can't get anyone to participate with that and I'm thinking about resigning as co-leader. Then again, since it's not active it won't make much of a difference!

It's not suprising that 3 of the women are also survivors. 1out of 3 women are sexually abused. Those are hard statistics. I was definitely a victime of covert incest also (besides from the priest) and suspect more was done, but I don't need anymore long buried memories to surface LOL!.

I wish we could change the name. The only option is to form a new team - which I thought of. Let's start with changing the image and then we can think about starting a team just for female survivors with all of us who are participating here. Maybe making it a private invite only team and we can draw members from here. Only a thought for the future. I added all new "sticky" topics". Anything else that you would like to see?

I'll check your blogs emoticon

Edited by: GABBY308 at: 6/2/2011 (10:00)

" Donít eat less; eat less often."
"I want to see what will happen if I don't give up."




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5/28/11 12:04 P

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I'm Amanda, 56, single. I'm an incest survivor--severe childhood sexual abuse (according to a therapist I worked with for several years)--my father was my abuser.

I got back into SP last fall, did some serious solo sparking and finally broke the 200# barrier right around the holidays. I discovered Spark teams the first week of January of this year. One of the first teams I joined, and wanted to be a positive part of, was another team for survivors (one with a prettier picture and a positive name). But it was not a very active team, and after posting some deeply personal messages and getting no response, I left in search of teams that would lend more support and encouragement.

I realized that while I was experiencing success in my weight loss, I still struggled greatly with clutter and disorganiztion, and that I was more ashamed of how I lived than how I looked. [See my Conquering Clutter Campaign blogs] So I joined a couple of organizing teams. But I found myself comparing myself to others on the teams who seemed to accomplish so much more than I felt capable of, so I ended up launching my own team--the Babysteps Brigade. It's my most active team, still very small.

I've searched for years for my purpose, and finally articulated it this spring: to liberate the goodess in every woman. [See Let Me Be Your Mirror blogs, and Articulating my purpose.] So I was thrilled to see a team on a friend's page, A Gathering of Goddesses. I joined, but was bummed to discover there was no leader, and it was not very active. But I felt I was supposed to be there, but didn't want to take on leading a second and larger team. So when another member asked if I'd like to co-lead with her, I went for it.

A witchcraft class I'm taking at a local metaphysical bookstore has spent a class on each of the 4 elements. We've been led on an inner journey (basically a guided meditation), and my first 2 were definitely related to healing of my abuse issues--although that hadn't been my intent, that's the gift I received. (Interesting, too, that at least 3 of the 4 of us in that small group are survivors.) Then I had a PTS episode at work 2 days ago, and I realized I need to focus on this work again. So here I am.

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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TIAD21's Photo TIAD21 Posts: 545
5/26/11 1:01 P

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Hi! My name is Tia and I am a survivor of sexual abuse, physical abuse, and neglect. I am so happy to see that there is a team for survivors! I have recently joined a real life survivors group and I am taking a more active approach to healing, so finding this team was good timing emoticon

Co-leader: Survivors of Abuse Team. teams.sparkpeople.com/SoA Co-leader: Parents of Teens Team. www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=22491fromSparkPeople.com.

Wanna-be cheerleader: www.oldfatcheerleader.blogspot.com


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CD10198280 SparkPoints: (0)
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5/21/11 5:50 P

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Hi there,

Judith here. A returnee to Sparks. I look forward to getting to know you all and supporting each other. I am 46, single and live in the UK with my dog called Pickle.

I have survived childhood sexual abuse as well as emotional, spiritual and physical abuse. My "family" continued to absue me after I left home. I have been out with various people and they have been absuive as well. I have been without a partner for about 15 years now. In some ways Pickle is enough for me ..... bless!

Thats me in a nuutshell.... hope this is a begining of a wonderful season for us all.



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5/2/11 12:15 P

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Hi everyone! my name is Lianne (pronounced Leeann). I am 48 years old and will be 49 in December. I really wish I could say that my life has been an easy one, but it has now but I am just now working out the kinks and learning to accept myself and love myself and not blame myself for the abuse that has happened to me as a child. As an adult, I can blame some of it on myself, but am learning the reasons as to why I act and do the things I do and am trying to instill positive things, thoughts and people in my life.
My abuse started probably as soon as I was born, with my father being the main abuser. Physically, verbally, emotionally, and sexually, up until I left home at the tender age of 17. But the abuse did not stop then as I had other family members to verbally, emotionally and sexually abuse me as well. Even as an adult I was abused by a pastor, army recruiter and even my husbands(which are now ex's).
I never could speak for myself, could not make any decisions for myself because everything I said or done or thought was wrong. I never think I am good enough or can make a decision without second guessing it and making myself feel bad about the decision I did make.
I am currently married to my fourth husband, who is a gem. We have an 8 year old daughter, whom I am learning how to be a child again in her eyes and be a better parent to her. I also have 3 other children from two previous marriages. I met my current husband via a msn group in 2000 and flew all the way from Mississippi to Germany in February 2001.
I have been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, ulcerative colitis, post traumatic stress disorder and the list continues. I am a stay at home mom because I just really can not handle the every day stress of having a job and with my illnesses, it would really not be a good idea to have a job.
I love to write whether pen palling or in journals. I love to listen to music, read and watch movies, take pictures and even have a facebook account and am in some yahoo groups. I also love to spend time with my family.
I have been to psychotherapy and was really shocked to learn that a pain therapist diagnosed me with Post traumatic stress disorder because I never saw myself as having this, but after 3 years of therapy, I could see the point the therapist was making.
If any of you would like to add me, please feel free to do so. I will share more as time goes on. At the moment, I am just taking one minute at a time and one baby step at a time and it helps me to know that there are other people out there that have been abused as well and I hope that I can be of some encouragment and support to all of you and would like the same to you.
Being abused is not something you can just put in the back of your mind and forget, it leaves scars and memories and its a constant tape recorder that gets played in your mind when you are in a similar situation.
Thank you for having me here and I will take a look around and post whenever I can.
have a great day.
Hugs,
Lianne

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GABBY308's Photo GABBY308 Posts: 11,172
4/29/11 5:39 P

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I'm still new at this posting msgs, blogs etc. I don't know how I got a picture of my husband on my last post...he talks a lot but he is definitely not Gabby!! LOL Sorry...I never participated in an online group like this. I don't even know how to send text msgs. on my cell phone (which I only have if my car breaks down). I figured it out - hurray

Edited by: GABBY308 at: 4/29/2011 (17:46)

" Donít eat less; eat less often."
"I want to see what will happen if I don't give up."




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GABBY308's Photo GABBY308 Posts: 11,172
4/28/11 1:30 P

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Hi!
I'm Gabby...I'm 59, 333 lbs. and just joined 4 days ago. I was tired of remaining a victim. I was sexually abused by a priest when I was a child and lived with an alcoholic father who flew into violent rages. I was date raped in college when I was 18. I went back to obtain my M.A. in Mental Health Counseling (graduated last year) because I couldn't find a good therapist (I didn't know at the time what to look for in one) and wanted to help myself with the PTSD symptoms. I learned a lot. I also learned that my weight problems stemmed from the abuse. Research shows that childhood maltreatment leads to a host of adult problems besides PTSD like addictions, obesity, heart disease, fibromyalgia etc. I was astounded. It wasn't my fault that I basically ate healthy but still couldn't lose weight and that I have Fibromyalgia. I'm a survivor and my obesity is the final obstacle of having been a victim. I want to find a way to lose weight and then to help other survivors who struggle with obesity.
I'm out of school but still studying the issue. I've read some of the other newbie posts and I encourage people to find a licensed therapist who specializes in trauma and PTSD or find a support group.


" Donít eat less; eat less often."
"I want to see what will happen if I don't give up."




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CD9005788 Posts: 317
4/13/11 12:24 P

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Hi guys! I'm Gale and my abuse started when I was 2 years old. My grandmother (maternal) had died and my mother's father was looking like he wouldn't make it so my parents moved back across the country to be with him when they thought it was the end. He had made a miraculous recovery within months (the doctors attributed it to having a more positive family environment) and my mother and father worked full time so they left me in his care while they were working (once the doctor had okayed his health). My parents hadn't sold their house out west yet so they lived with him until they did and they fixed up the house next door in the evenings so we would soon have a home of our own. In the meantime my bedroom was directly through a doorway from his. My parents slept upstairs. My earliest memories are of him exposing himself to me and asking me to touch him (I think I would've been 4 or so because I wasn't in school yet and i remember thinking how funny that mushroom looked!) and he would touch me and tell me not to tell anyone because they would blame me and I would get in trouble and sent away. That was all I remembered for years, he died when I was 18 and I let him go to the grave without telling his secret, he molested me up until the week before he died. My parents were devastated when they eventually found out ( my mom and I had gotten into a fight and I screamed at her "At least my father didn't molest you!") My next few years I spent rebelling. I went a whole province away to university didn't bother to go to classes, took up drinking full-time and stripping to support my alcoholism. I was in a sad state and ended up naked and freezing in a parking lot because someone slipped me a roofie at the bar one night. (Thankfully my room mate always looked out for me and when I called her she knew who I was and where I was and came and got me.) I quit drinking after that and moved back to my home province and took a job in a great neighbourhood but the surrounding apartments that I could afford within walking distance weren't in the best neighbourhood. I ended up being raped feet from the sidewalk in broad daylight. I screamed and the people walking by wouldn't come help because I was on "that path" (no one had warned me about the shortcut to the sidewalk from my apartment building being a spot where people get mugged and raped all the time). I moved in the wrong circles (so I could get protection from people who "cared" about me) and I didn't get back into alcohol and drugs were never my thing but the people I were involved with were toxic. They were always in trouble and dragged me into their hole with them. I moved home. Met a great man (or so I thought) at ppv wrestling while out with a girlfriend one night. I ended up letting him move into my apartment with me within a month and got pregnant. (my own stupidity for being so blindly trusting) Within 9 months of meeting I was 7 months pregnant and we were married. I found out how fast things changed the next day when he sold me to his brother for sex because now he "owned" me with the marriage certificate. He beat me and put me down. Within 6 months he was charged with hitting me and so the judge put him on house arrest in the same house with me!!!! He started taking a piece of 2x4 to bed with him and hitting me with it while I slept on our daughter's nursery floor. When our daughter was six months old she was crying and he came down the stairs (form his beauty sleep) and hit her.... That was my breaking point! I used to rock her in the chair and whisper to her as soon as she was old enough to understand that we would leave him but that was the final straw. I struck back, holding my baby in my arms (I had called the police before but they would never do anything about him abusing me, not even when he pushed me down the stairs and broke my pelvis!) I hit him until I felt better. I ended up breaking his nose and fracturing his arm. He called the police and I was arrested and charged with Domestic assault! My very first offense, ever! I got a restraining order to keep us 100 ft apart for a year. At the end of that year I had moved 6 times to get away from him. He would repeatedly break into my place, beat me and steal things when I wasn't home. He would tell mutual friends that he wouldn't live without me and sure as hell wouldn't let anyone else have me, he'd kill me first. When she went to the police with her concerns, they charged her for spreading malicious hearsay! Nothing was every done. When he shot me they finally had to press charges seeing as it was on MY property in the middle of the night. He is currently still in jail, last week I had to appear at his bail hearing and he was denied again because he has shown no remorse and has assaulted other inmates and the guards with his own urine. He refused to sign the divorce papers so it was another agonizing waiting period until the judge could rightfully take his marital rights away and grant me my divorce. I met a great man (or so I thought) when my daughter was 2 & a half years old. He was a great father figure for my daughter. He spent time with her and treated me like gold. He moved in with me within two months of meeting each other (sounding familiar???) and I don't ever remember having the move in together convo. He just kept showing up with more and more of his stuff. He has NEVER hit me, he has put me down, called me names and cheated on me. It has been tough but nowhere near as bad as my last marriage but nothing prepared me for the flashbacks I now experience. If I don't stay active my mind wanders and I end up (literally) back as a child, covering the crack in the bathroom door with a towel so my grandfather can't see me in the tub as he masturbates outside the door or I'm face down in a pillow (at about 5 years old) crying so hard I can't breathe, not understanding why he's hurting me the way he is remembering every detail of his repeated rapes, night after night. I have a heart condition which has helped me stay out of the workforce with a pension but I still have a hard time functioning some days due to the flashbacks. I have 3 daughters who are 9, 6 & 4 who rely on me for their daily needs. Worst of all, my oldest daughter (at 7 years old) was sexually assaulted on her school bus by a 16 year old boy. Just when I thought I was making progress that sent me spiralling back to square one. I have gone to see therapists who have told me to work through my issues, which I have tried to do, many times then I was referred to a psychologist for a meds assessment (which I refuse to take any as they make me have more flashbacks) and he told me (when I inquired about pet therapy and the effectiveness of physical activity) that I should just accept my role as a woman in society and let men make the decisions for me!!!!! Wow he was a helper! (a.k.a. A**hole!) I've now found out my husband has cheated again and I'm looking to piece my life back together but it's hard to do. I was relying heavily on physical activity to keep me busy but unfortunately I fell in the tub two nights ago (I actually slipped and fell not an "I ran into the door jamb" excuse) and broke 3 ribs, dislocated my shoulder and fractured my hip so I'm housebound and finding far too much down time for my comfort. I really am having a hard time coping without staying active. Ideas? (BTW thanks for letting me vent!)

LAUGHINGLAUREN8's Photo LAUGHINGLAUREN8 SparkPoints: (0)
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4/11/11 11:58 P

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Hey everybody! I'm Lauren. I was physically, emotionally, and verbally abused by my boyfriend for two years. It was very recently that I finally left him, and one of the things I am struggling with the most is gaining back my self-confidence and sense of self-worth. He controlled every aspect of my life, and because of that I really let myself go. I stopped taking care of myself, and losing the weight that I have had on me since I was a little kid is part of the way that I am learning to take care of myself again.

If any of you ever need someone to talk to, just send me a message and I will listen. I know how hard it is not to have anyone or anything to turn to. Plus, I love meeting new people. :)

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TIMOREE SparkPoints: (0)
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1/4/11 11:27 P

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Hi,my name is Timoree. I was sexually abused for a long time as a child. Then, as an adult I married 2 abusive men. They were verbally and at one point physically abusive. Now, my children's father will not allow me to see or speak to them. I am now engaged to a sweet man and he has helped me in so many ways. I have nightmares still on occasion but he understands me. I was blessed with him.
Now I want to lose weight before I get married again. Third times a charm!

CD8684972 SparkPoints: (0)
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12/16/10 1:51 P

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hi

Edited by: CD8684972 at: 12/16/2010 (14:02)
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12/16/10 1:43 A

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I remind myself that it is my life and that I deserve to be happy. Each and every day I put my best foot forward. I have full control over my life and I deserve the best!!!!! Say that to yourself, it might just help.

SONG-OF-DEBORAH's Photo SONG-OF-DEBORAH Posts: 220
12/16/10 1:12 A

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How does anyone even get out of bed, let alone maintain motivation, while suffering the lingering pain of abuse?

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12/14/10 7:40 P

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My name is Sarah and I joined the team today. I left a verbally abusive relationship just over a year ago and I am still struggling. I am currently seeing a counsellor that I started seeing a week ago *Yayyy!*.

Please read my blog entry from a few weeks ago. It explains everything in full and you will really learn a lot about my experiences in a short time. It's a long one but well worth the read!

www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_jo
ur
nal_individual.asp?blog_id=3822737


I used to get really bad nightmares but they have subsided considerably. I am mainly concerned with eating clean and exercising regularly. I have found that this has really made a difference on how I feel. I am in a new relationship with my childhood friend. I want to make sure that I deal with everything from my past so that I can live a very happy life with him. My blog also describes my current bf and how we met. :)

CD6400103 Posts: 2,592
9/29/10 3:02 P

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Hi - my name is Sabrina and i am from the netherlands.
I have been mentally and physically abused in high school.

I am 35 years old and have a toddler running around by the name of Kirsten. She is joy of my life.

SEATTLEGIRL627's Photo SEATTLEGIRL627 Posts: 71
9/29/10 1:06 P

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Hi. My name is Stephanie and I'm new to this team. I am a survivor of domestic violence. I am no longer married to this person (I've been divorced nearly two years). I am in a new relationship, but I struggle constantly with the dynamics of it because of my past. I've become a stronger person and feel the need to hold on to the life I had to rebuild with both hands. My boyfriend has trouble understanding this. I've been very stressed out lately and could use some advice or support.

I'm about to conquer the world!


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JAZZIELORI's Photo JAZZIELORI Posts: 8,054
9/24/10 10:38 A

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emoticon Teiel. What a beautiful name you have. I have been abused as you have and don't worry ...here they do not pressure you at all regarding your abuse. It's a supportive place of women who have gone through many of the same things you have..Welcome to the team sweetie...not sure why but we mostly meet on the thread how are you today..so when you are ready come on in..and any time you would like you can always start a new thread about anything you would like
emoticon
Lori

Leader

NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service

Breakfast Bunch!

TEIELA's Photo TEIELA Posts: 205
9/23/10 2:44 P

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Hi, I'm Teiel.

I have been mentally abused for as long as I can remember. I was physically abused and sexually abused several several times. Right now, I'm too sickened to talk about it much. Maybe at a later date. I just wanted to say hi and introduce myself.

If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion. ~ The Dalai Lama


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CD5364914 Posts: 6,032
8/30/10 8:19 A

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thanks and I will post there too.

PRETTYMANDI's Photo PRETTYMANDI Posts: 1,148
8/29/10 9:51 P

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welcome to the team. It sounds like you have been through so much, and still are! We spend most of our time in the "How are you feeling" thread, so feel free to come over there to chat.

"If I don't log my food, my butt will!"


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CD5364914 Posts: 6,032
8/29/10 9:19 A

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I am new to the team but have been on Sp for a couple of years.

My Dad and his friends went out drinking in celebration that they thought my mother was going to have a boy-ME! I do not know how or why they thought I was a boy but they went out drinking and got in a car accident-hit a tree- my Dad was ejected from the back seat of the car and died on the scene of the accident. Two weeks later(1967) I was born- I girl- the third girl! My mom was angry- I was suppose to be a boy! The very day she brought me home from the hospital she tried to kill me(as I have been told by older sisters and aunts). The abuse went on-physically and mentally- my Dad's death was my fault and I wasn't even a boy- his life was wasted for no reason. Mom drank- she was 21 with 3 small girls-newborn, 3 & 4 years old. So she took her anger out on us and her family looked the other way. Dad's family didn't like my mom and they walked away from all of us altogether(except one of my Dad's brothers and his wife and 3 boys- they were my only connection to my Dad growing up and they moved far away when I was about 8). At age 4 Mom met a man and he moved in with us. The abuse stopped-when my "step-dad" was around. They never married- just lived together. My mom beat all of us when he wasn't around- and we would hide the marks as best we could. The emotional abuse has inbedded such low self esteem that I still fight daily.
In high school I was attacked by a so called friend- but not fully raped-just attempted-very close not not enough to get sent away. So I didn't tell- I was not suppose to be home but I had went to a senior lunch at a park without my parents knowing- so this made it easier not to tell. My oldest sister left when she turned 18 and it was hrd for me- very hard- she was my best friend, 'she mothered me growing up and was the only support I got from a mother'y figure" Then a year later my other sister left. When they left- they left- no communication- they were running from mom but I got left behind. That means all the abuse came to me.
I left home in 1985, met a man and got married. He is controlling- but in a loving way- he is overprotective. I was told I could not have kids-weak heart issues- but I had a miscarriage and then God gave us 3 children- then I had my tubes tied. This caused problems. My husband was very angry and still today gets mad when someone talks about it- and when we are around babies.
Anyway- we separated for awhile- I could not take the fighting. His "friend" became my friend and later raped me. I was afraid to tell as he said he would kill my husband and kids. After awhile I did tell hubby and when we went to the police they wouldn't press charges because I waited to report it and the guy said it was an affair. We moved away from the town and they guy and tried to start over. My self esteem was lower, I was afraid of everyone and started gaining weight to "hide" my body. I went from a size 4/6 to a 12. Hubby still questions me of why I didn't tell him- so he wonders if if was an affair.

Since I was a child I would block out the abuse- I knew my mom was hitting me but I would never remember the details or know how long I was being beat- I zoned out. SO since I zoned out of the rape- hubby thinks I am lying about not knowing what happened. I know that the guy grabbed me, I remember bits and pieces- but not all the detail- like how I started in the hall and woke up in the bedroom- I do not know!

We work thru it- but it can stress me out.
Now my sister whom I email on occasion has announced that it is time for my mothers family reunion- next week. My daughter saw it and told my husband and they want to go- I don't. They say it is time I stood up to all of them and held my head up- I have overcame that childhood and am stronger. I say- I don't need to drive several state away and make small talk with people I don't like!
Tammy

-WISPY-'s Photo -WISPY- Posts: 29,414
6/20/10 1:41 A

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Hi Snowflake and welcome to the team. We are happy to have you with us.

We mostly chat up on the How are you feeling today thread, please come on over an join us. We have all been in the same boat and some of us still have abuse of one kind or another in our lives or are still affected by what was done to us when we were small.

We all understand.

Looking forward to getting to know you.

Wispy

"Give thanks for everything until you are absolutely sure it is not a blessing in disguise." Eastern Proverb.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Be the change you wish to see in the world.." Mahatma Gandhi.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Quitters never win and winners never quit." Anon
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Make the decision to enjoy today. Do what you need to do for tomorrow - but live fully in TODAY.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SNOWFLAKE322's Photo SNOWFLAKE322 SparkPoints: (0)
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6/20/10 1:07 A

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hello everyone. I've been on sp for 2 weeks exactly. I've started to deal with my childhood traumas and abuse so that I shed this weight. I feel that this is the root cause as to why I still carry all this weight and i'm afraid to lose it...

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RAMONAFAY SparkPoints: (0)
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5/31/10 8:27 P

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Welcome to the new members!
I have been working hard at decluttering my house and have managed to get rid of 12 huge bags of stuff.

I too divorced myself from my family it was the only way I could stay sane~~Okay well half way sane. LOL!


-WISPY-'s Photo -WISPY- Posts: 29,414
5/27/10 10:09 P

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Welcome to CGStar. We look forward to meeting you. Pop on over to the "How are you feeling today thread" and say Hi.

Hugs Wispy.

"Give thanks for everything until you are absolutely sure it is not a blessing in disguise." Eastern Proverb.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Be the change you wish to see in the world.." Mahatma Gandhi.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Quitters never win and winners never quit." Anon
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Make the decision to enjoy today. Do what you need to do for tomorrow - but live fully in TODAY.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
JAZZIELORI's Photo JAZZIELORI Posts: 8,054
5/27/10 12:51 A

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emoticon Mandi!! We look forward to getting to know you..I myself have cut ties with my family so I do know how that feels!!

Leader

NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service

Breakfast Bunch!

ROTTLADY's Photo ROTTLADY SparkPoints: (0)
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5/26/10 8:51 P

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You have a new family here at sparks and we promise not abuse you or even take you for granted. emoticon emoticon to this team. Looking forward to hearing more from you.

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-WISPY-'s Photo -WISPY- Posts: 29,414
5/26/10 7:07 P

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Hey Mandi how great to have you join our team. We all know what you are talking about.

We mostly hang out on the "How are you feeling today" thread please come on over and join us. There is lots of support and Im sure you will be able to identify with many of us.

Welcome and hugs Wispy.

Edited by: -WISPY- at: 5/26/2010 (19:09)
"Give thanks for everything until you are absolutely sure it is not a blessing in disguise." Eastern Proverb.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Be the change you wish to see in the world.." Mahatma Gandhi.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Quitters never win and winners never quit." Anon
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Make the decision to enjoy today. Do what you need to do for tomorrow - but live fully in TODAY.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
PRETTYMANDI's Photo PRETTYMANDI Posts: 1,148
5/25/10 8:43 P

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Hi. my name is Mandi. I have been using spark people for a little over a month now and I saw a link to this team on someone elses profile and decided to join.
I was abused as a child and a teenager. I have a great husband and children, but at times it can be hard.
not just because of fears/phobias/emotional problems left over, but also because I have had to cut off all ties with my entire family and so I often feel alone and isolated. It is hard sometimes for my husband to understand why I have such a longing when I never had anything good with these people to begin with. I can't really explain it, because I don't have any answers. Anyways, I am happy to be here.

Mandi

"If I don't log my food, my butt will!"


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JAZZIELORI's Photo JAZZIELORI Posts: 8,054
3/25/10 7:53 A

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emoticon Rottlady,

We have shared many posts together..I am glad you are here! emoticon emoticon

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-WISPY-'s Photo -WISPY- Posts: 29,414
3/24/10 8:08 P

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Welcome Rottlady, I know you will fit right in here.

So happy to see you.

Hugs Wispy.

"Give thanks for everything until you are absolutely sure it is not a blessing in disguise." Eastern Proverb.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Be the change you wish to see in the world.." Mahatma Gandhi.
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"Quitters never win and winners never quit." Anon
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Make the decision to enjoy today. Do what you need to do for tomorrow - but live fully in TODAY.
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ROTTLADY's Photo ROTTLADY SparkPoints: (0)
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3/24/10 7:58 P

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I am new to this team not to sparks, I 've been a member since Oct 2009. Survived a bad childhood and now taking steps to get out of an abusive marriage that was over before it started.

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JAZZIELORI's Photo JAZZIELORI Posts: 8,054
1/26/10 1:08 P

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emoticon KOREAMGIRL..I will read your blog..thanks for sharing about the website

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KOREAMGIRL's Photo KOREAMGIRL Posts: 246
1/24/10 11:03 A

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HI Everyone. I'm a survivor of childhood abuse and my story could be read here: http://violenceunsilenced.com/kimberly/

Violence Unsilenced is an awesome blog dedicated to all survivors of abuse. I've been working on myself for a very long time and found this blog which has helped heal me a great deal. Please visit this blog. Read their stories, submit your own. The creator of the blog is a fantastic woman with the biggest heart I know. And as part of my healing process I'm speaking out. I'm telling my story.

Nobody should go without telling their story. I'm hoping that my story will help one person survive. The community of people that read survivor's stories is so supportive and their kinds words are always welcomed. They all understand because they have all been there.

Please pass on the link to everyone that will be supportive and kind to all of us. It is a safe haven for many, many people. And I welcome all positive feedback.


Everyone has inside of him a piece of good news. The good news is that you don't know how great you can be! How much you can love! What you can accomplish! And what your potential is! ~ Anne Frank


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JULSISGOOD's Photo JULSISGOOD Posts: 4,366
12/1/09 10:39 P

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Of course it's okay for you to stick around. Thank you for introducing yourself and sharing. It sounds like you are doing really well in setting up boundaries for yourself, knowing what you can handle, and skipping what could be triggering for you. I'm really glad you are safe now, and you feel comfortable with your husband. It sounds like the vitamin D is helping, I think that's great. I take vitamin D, because I rarely spend time outside, and with other medications, I am not supposed to stay in direct sunlight. However, I live in Oregon, where it rains...a lot, so I don't have to worry about the sun for several more months lol. So join us anywhere you feel comfortable, and if you just want to watch and listen without responding, it's fine - there's no preassure here. I know we have several members that just read. I'm glad you've joined us.

Is the kitty yours? I've heard that all orange cats are boys - I was just wondering.

--Juls

Survivors of Abuse
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I also co-lead a small private DID group.
JAZZIELORI's Photo JAZZIELORI Posts: 8,054
12/1/09 11:42 A

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emoticon MEOWYMEOW

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MEOWYMEOW's Photo MEOWYMEOW SparkPoints: (0)
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11/30/09 11:25 P

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I just joined, am very sorry but I skipped over the larger intros.. I figure those are probably explanations as to what makes the poster a survivor and I just don't think I can read without it effecting me. I care, but i just can't read it is all :)

I'm safe now, very very good husband, his family is spectacular, and I have sort of a non-official-adoptive family made up of friends and their families. Life is fun, happy, and safe now.

The anxiety and fears kick in a lot, I struggle to leave my house alone most days. I do all my exercise indoors unless my husband's with me for outdoor biking, walking, or yard work. I don't mind it so much, I like being indoors. The sun is bad for my lupus anyway haha and all my hobbies are generally indoor style hobbies, so it's all good

The last few months, since.. maybe March it started I got more and more tired, thinking it was because in January I really started doing exercise and trying to eat right. Then about May I stopped losing weight, started being unable to exercise each day like I was and it got so bad that about August I couldn't exercise at all. By October I felt pretty stinking hopeless so I went to the doctor thinking I needed my thyroid checked, thankfully tha twas normal and even more thankful that he did find something wrong (because I do not know if I could have handled being told to just get used to how I felt). My vitamin D was real low so he's got me on treatment for that now for about four weeks and I already feel better, not great.. but better than I did. I can do some exercise now, and I don't have to choose between 10 minutes of exercise, fixing dinner, or doing a little crochet or tatting homework. Now I can do two or three in a day yay!!

Some days I do not feel like a survivor but compared to how it was when I first broke away from them all, I have way more days where I do feel like I am surviving than not. If that made any sense?

Hope it's okay I stick around :)


I'm a cat, I'm a kitty cat...
and I meow meow meow, and I meow meow meow!


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JAZZIELORI's Photo JAZZIELORI Posts: 8,054
11/24/09 2:19 P

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emoticon Judith..I too love your attitude! I can't wait to understand how you got here from there as far as being a survivor..
Lori

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CD4344370 Posts: 10,251
11/24/09 7:33 A

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that's why i weigh so much but i have worked through all of it and now slow but sure i' lose this ugly fat. hope things are good with you. emoticon emoticon

Edited by: CD4344370 at: 11/24/2009 (07:34)
JULSISGOOD's Photo JULSISGOOD Posts: 4,366
11/23/09 8:31 P

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Nola, Iím so sorry that all happened to you, you didnít deserve it, and are worth so much more than how you were treated. In you wrote about thinking you were a whore, I donít know if you know this or not, but people who have been abused often either wonít or donít want to have sex with anyone, or they feel like they have to have sex with everyone Ė itís pretty normal, and in no way makes you bad. I would guess there are a lot of things you believe about yourself and your worth, that are pretty normal for what youíve gone through, and that arenít true. When we grow up with all the adults in our life telling us we are bad, we have no way of seeing beyond that, so we live and believe the lies. In connecting, we get a chance to see that there are other, healthier ways of looking at the world, and that we can feel safe. Iím so glad you are here with us, and staying connected.

Hi Judith, Welcome! It sounds like you have a great attitude. Iím single too, with my little dog Winnie. Iím glad youíre here!


--Juls

Survivors of Abuse
Leader
teams.sparkpeople.com/SOA

I also co-lead a small private DID group.
CD4344370 Posts: 10,251
11/23/09 5:25 P

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you came to the right place.

MUM2PICKLE's Photo MUM2PICKLE Posts: 1,350
11/23/09 5:22 P

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Hi,

My name is Judith and I am a survivor!

My revenge is to live a life well lived!

I think we all have courgae coming here and telling our stories. We derserve love and respect.

To give you the breifest if intro's to myself I will tell you trhat I was sexually abused by my grnadfather and his friend until age 7, I was emotionally and physically abused by my mother until a few years back when she died, I was spritually abused by my father, I was physically abused by my brother when I was 17.... you know the normal stuff that makes you really screwed up!

But I survived and I am still breathing. I am single but I love my dog and I get along with the people at the voluntary work where I go to most of the time.

The absue has left its scars but I am healing.

I look forward to getting to know you all.

Judith

~*~Judith~*~

"Pray, and let God worry" - Martin Luther
Together we can
I can, I will, I am.
May God bless your socks off!

I lead a PRIVATE Sparkteam which is 12 step based for survivors of sexual abuse/incest. If you would like an invite sparkmail me!

Leader of Slimming World UK
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ndividual.asp?gid=2772

Leader of Walking - 1 Million Steps 2 Go :)
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