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BROWNSUGAR1313's Photo BROWNSUGAR1313 Posts: 195
6/29/09 8:10 A

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Thanks for sharing your story with us. That took gumption but as many have echoed Pete is already her father. A father in my definition is the one who is there for you always ready with some sage advice, a lollipop to soothe a scratch on the knee and there to step up the plate and be the positive male figure in your life.

He has done all that for your daughter. She has known no other father and in her heart she will only have one 'dad' and that is your partner.

That being said, when she is fully able to comprehend (for now you have time, she is only 16 months) both of you should sit her down and expain to her that you both love her. You are both her parents in all the ways that count but, biologically she has another father.

If you are a religious person, I would recommend praying on the matter and if you go to a place to worship, seek counsel of your priest or pastor etc.

In the meanwhile, Pete should be commended for taking such big steps in stepping up to the plate, he sounds like a wonderful father and mate. If heavens forbid anything should ever happen, he will need to be able to make decisions as her father.

Good luck to you and I hope everything works out.

"True friends are like diamonds, precious and rare. False friends are like autumn leaves, found everywhere."

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6/28/09 4:20 P

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Deception either by commission or omission always ends badly. Tell your daughter the truth about herself. Tell her as soon as she is able to understand and age appropriately. As she matures her understanding of the events surrounding her birth and Pete's place in her life will be clear. If Pete legally adopts her he will be her parent under the law as well as in her heart. Before an adoption can be finalized her biological father will either give up his parental rights, or if he cannot be found his rights will be forfeited. The particulars of how this process will work need to be explained by an attorney specializing in adoptions and family law.

Congratultions on your marriage and the blessing of motherhood.

Claudia Rodriguez



A free bird leaps on the back
Of the wind and floats downstream
Till the current ends and dips his wing
In the orange suns rays
And dares to claim the sky.

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3CHIHUAHUA's Photo 3CHIHUAHUA Posts: 6,583
6/25/09 12:11 P

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WOW been there done that.

I can tell you lots of things but the decision is up to you and I am sure you already have it in your mind.

I was adopted, being a child from a rape. They didn't tell me till I was 13. My life changed. I wish I never knew. (they didn't tell me the rape part) I felt unloved, but back then Abortion was still illegal.

I myself (on the quest to find love) ended up pregnant at 16. I had an abortion. Tripped out for months. (still do) Tried hurting myself.

Got pregnant right away again at 17. Just to make up for the loss. 19 years later that loss is not gone, and never will be.

I seriously considered giving my baby up for adoption, but didn't.

I can't tell you why I didn't, I don't know. I just can tell you yea it was tough working 2 jobs, living with the in-laws for 4 years. Using public transportation cuz we had no car. But looking back It was all worth it.

Our son was face with a possible pregnancy just a couple of months ago. I firmly am against abortion but being the mother of the boy was powerless, It would have been all her decision. I can tell you at 7 weeks the baby has it's own heart beat and at 12 weeks has it's very own unique fingerprints. But when I considered what it meant for my son I started to wonder if I really believed as I do.

Long story short, our son does not have my husbands last name. He never has. When I was filling out the birth certificate he had made me mad so I used my last name. We keep saying for year we would change his name but somehow we never came up with the $300. Now he is an adult and he knows who he is and why he has the name he has. A little different then your story but defiantly related.

There is no right answer, till you get to be 30 and you can live with the decision you made, one way or the other.

In my prayers

Edited by: 3CHIHUAHUA at: 6/25/2009 (12:26)
**~ MeriAngel ~**

"It's not enough that we do our best; sometimes we have to do what's required."

Sir Winston Churchill

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KACOPHANI's Photo KACOPHANI SparkPoints: (0)
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6/22/09 3:54 P

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Thanks for sharing your story with us. My vote (and it is a vote, as the decision is gonna be up to you) is to do the adoption and tell her about it. 1) you dont want it coming from anyone else. 2)Pete is already her daddy 3) you dont want something silly to separate them or for him not to be able to make medical/ etc decisions for her. 4)If that bio dad shows up, now or 10 years from now, Pete needs a leg to stand on.

Good luck!

Recommit as often as you have to.

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6/19/09 1:00 P

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I am adopted so I would know how your daughter will feel. I would not wait to tell her. My parents told me I was adopted since they first got me when I was a baby. Of course, I didn't fully understand but they never kept any secrets from me. I would walk into kindergarten proudly boasting that I was adopted and had great parents. Just because my parents are not my birth parents does not mean I don't love them any less...they are MY parents plain and simple..
haha I even had a storybook about adoption, my mom would read it to me as a child, maybe you should look for a book to help explain the situation at borders bookstore or something.
I think you will have more heartache if you wait to tell her when she is older because this is more for her than it is for you.

Deb, Deb J, or DJ :)

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CRITTERMAMA912 Posts: 2,584
6/19/09 12:57 P

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Wow! I am amazed at the similarities in our lives. I don't know if I can advise you on what to do, but I will share my story and maybe that can give you some perspective. My 'baby' is now 23 and married, so I have walked where you are heading, and that may be a help, so here's my story:
I was involved with a man for four years who ended up being verbally and eventually physically abusive. I didn't know any better because I didn't have any male role models in my life and I just wanted someone to love me. We started dating when we were 16 and became serious about 2 yrs later. I became pregnant and he begged me to get an abortion because "he" wanted to go to college and didn't want to be bogged down with kids yet, but "someday" we would be married and have some. I went along with it and it was the biggest regret of my life (another long story I won't go into here). He went to college in another state and we got engaged. Little did I know he was also engaged to two other women at the same time and getting money from all of us, and using the money for drugs. So you get the picture, basically a jerk, and I was a fool. I became pregnant again, and he slapped me for getting pregnant. That was my wake-up call. He dumped me, said one of his other honeys would be the winning bride and get lost. My parents disowned me when they found out I was pregnant. I am white, he was black, and my family had major problems with that. So I was by myself, going to have a baby. I considered abortion, I considered suicide, but one night I had an experience with God,(although I didn't know anything or care to know anything about God at the time) and God told me I was going to have the baby and this baby would grow up and do great things for God. Although I didn't understand much of that, it gave me a strength that I had to do whatever was necessary to give this baby the best I could. So I supported myself and had the baby, and though I didn't want the father to have anything to do with us, I did what the law requires in my state and notified him and 'held her out' (legal term) for a year so he could have contact or help financially. He did none of that, didn't care except to threaten that if any 'white guy' ever got around his baby, he would take the baby and give it to his mom to raise, although at the same time he would claim it wasn't his, that I was sleeping around. Lovely person, eh? During the end of my pregnancy, I became reacquainted with a friend from my childhood. We became friends and then became romantically involved. We have now been married 22 years. To hear him tell it, he saw me waddling down the steps of his mother's house at 8 months pregnant (where I rented a room) and knew he was going to marry me. Now that's love! LOL! We married when my daughter was 18 months old. He is a wonderful Christian man, who loves his daughter with all his heart. He took care of her, changed her diapers, cleaned up skinned knees, even tried to oil and braid her hair (that didn't work out so well LOL), got her piano lessons, was always there for her, paid for her college and her wedding, and she calls him Dad. He IS her father, no matter what blood or skin color say. He is white.
During her growing up years, we discussed my husband adopting her many times. When she was 4, I contacted the bio father to ask if he would sign the papers. He was very combative and said he didn't care, but at the same time wouldn't sign. He had married and had 2 boys, but just wanted to be uncooperative to get revenge on me, I guess. We tried again when she was 11, the same deal. My husband ended up never legally adopting her, but she used his last name socially, except with legal stuff she used my maiden name. It was never a question of whether she would know if she had a different dad - she had two white parents, two white siblings, and she was black. So as her age progressed, we explained it to her at her level. When she was six, she was particularly interested in why she was brown. I explained I and her bio father were in love, and out of that love God had made her, but he didn't understand how to be a daddy and was afraid, so God was so kind to bring her her daddy she had, to love her and help her. When she became a teen, it was a bit harder, and I had to explain more details without being particularly bitter about his role, but we got through it. When she became ready to marry, it came up again and she had a season of bitterness as to why this person would reject her. But we always talked about it, never hid it or said her feelings were wrong in any way, and she worked through it, has given forgiveness (for her own sake, not his) and has a wonderfully balanced life. She is married to a wonderful man, and he is white. So she will be explaining to her children these types of issues on some level, too. My daughter has told me many times that she is so grateful that her father and I were always honest with her about what happened and she doesn't feel any need to go touch base with her bio family at this time, but maybe one day she will. And she has that option because she is aware of the truth and understands all the nuances. And she has grown up to do great things for God. She and her hubby are youth and childrens music ministers in their church.
So if I were to give advice, based on my experience, I would say, be as honest as you can with your daughter at a level she can understand. You don't have to bring stuff up all the time, but the time will come when she is a teen especially, that teens naturally become a little untrusting of their parents, and if somehow they feel you have been hiding important truths from them, she could become bitter and it could affect your relationship forever. Also, hidden things become a fascination with young people, and she may have fantasies of searching for this guy and how "cool" he would be. It's a very hard situation to gauge and guess what will happen in the future, so I would think hard about not being truthful about her origins. I would also definitely check into the legal aspects of stepparent adoption in your state, to find out just how much you have to contact the bio dad. Some states only require you put an ad in the paper, and it can be any paper, a small paper no one reads, for example. Anyway, it would be worth your investment to consult with an adoption attorney, just to find out all the options, lay your cards on the table with them, and they can explain all that would or could happen. That will put your mind at ease about many things. Also, if adoption is something that cannot work out, you can always do a legal name change where she would take his last name legally. Be proactive and check with legal professionals about this, not just take some people's word for what would happen (like me, or family or friends, etc.) and that can help you with the decision, too. Also, if you make a will and stipulate you want your husband as your daughter's legal guardian in case of your death, that is another covering. Again, consulting with a legal professional is best, and consultations are usually a reasonable fee.
As far as feeling like an outsider from other siblings, I think that if children are loved the same, that is all they care about. My daughter looked completely different, but never felt ostracized from her family because we worked hard to love them all in all the best ways we could. She also has cousins on my hubbys side of the family who were of mixed race like her, and also hispanic cousins, so they never thought anyone stood out, they were all different and just loved one another. This was very long-winded, but I hope that can give you a perspective of someone who has gone through this type of thing and came out the other side. My faith was the most important thing that got me through these times and gave me wisdom to make the best choices I could. Please feel free to SparkMail me if you want to talk more or more privately.I know you will make the best choices for your daughter, whatever they may be, because I can tell you only have her best interests at heart. Be blessed.

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"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as impossible situations."

"Remember, you are so special and valuable that God couldn't imagine eternity without you!"

"Courage in women is often mistaken for insanity"

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YICHE12's Photo YICHE12 Posts: 45,725
6/19/09 12:56 P

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I do feel for you sweetie!

It does not seem as though the biological father is anywhere in sight but you never know when he will decide to show up. It is best to tell your daughter when she is about 5 or 6 that she was adopted by your husband-to-be. This way, she will not be shocked if her biological father does show up. She will see for herself who the 'true' father is -- the one who is present when she is sick, plays with her, listens and reads to her, etc.

My very best wishes to you three.

Lise (pronounced Lees) - EDT
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6/19/09 11:36 A

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When I first found out I was pregnant I was already 8 weeks along and had just celebrated my 19th birthday two days before. So I was bummed. I didn't know what to do or who to talk to. Then I met Pete and we started chatting and he was so nice and understanding. He never told me to get an abortion or that it was bad- he just listened and said that I sounded like I be would be a great mom and that if I really needed help with the money he could help pay for an abortion if I needed it. After a couple weeks I finally decided to meet him in person and we went on a date. We fell in love and knew it before 30 days could go by. He said he didn't mind that I pregnant and that he was ready to start a family and that he would love my daughter no matter who the father because he loved me and she was a part of me. After 4 months we made plans to move in together and by 6 months I had moved from st. Paul to river falls Wisconsin. Lexi is now 16months and our two year anniversary is coming up.

When we were pregnant we decided that if Lexi's father was a no show then after two years Pete would adopt her. Now over a year has past and still not a single word from her father and child support hasn't been able to catch up with him.

Yesterday Pete raises the question of do we get the adoption. When and do we tell Lexi that Pete isn't her biological father.

I think that we should change her last name and have Pete adopt her so that we don't have issues in case something happens to me. This is my families first god-child and they would want her and I don't want legal silliness to take her away from Pete. He has been Daddy since day the beginning. Morning sickness and holding my hand during delivery and tears in his eyes at her birth.

But the question remains do we tell her about her father. I don't know if I could maintain a lie that long. And I would like for her to know the truth but I would hate to have this information make her feel like an outsider or unloved when he have another child or two.

And if we do tell her then when? As a child so that she always knows and won't really start to question. Or wait until she is grown and then let her try to find her father and risk her being angry because of the lie?

If anyone can give me an opinion I need it. My daughter is getting older and while the adoption stuff could wait until we get married in 2 years. I have no idea when it would be a good time to tell her about her biological father.

In case you are wondering he father is white, brown hair brown eyes 6"0 220lbs or so. Pete is white sandy brown hair, green eyes and 6"5. So she wouldn't notice anything physical. She looks like my side of the family except the eyes. Her father and I have similar looking eyes but I think she may have gotten his. Maybe that is just me wanting her to have more than DNA from her father. At least she'll outgrow me (5"4).


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