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KATEJ17's Photo KATEJ17 Posts: 136
9/8/11 6:09 P

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Oh Laurie, thanks SO much for your words and thoughts. They mean so much to me. In the trenches, you are so close to the action that you really don't count up your accomplishments, even when they are as little as getting a 6 year old to bed without an arguement. My emotions are way out of sync, but I know that is to be expected.
It was so nice of you to take the time to write...you are a dear. xo



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SMURFETTE2423's Photo SMURFETTE2423 Posts: 3,295
9/8/11 1:17 P

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Kate- The first anniversary (and, I hate to say it, some other anniversaries, like Jude said) is really tough. Keep in mind all the good you have done this year- you have kept your family together and have gotten help for your children and kept their Daddy's memory alive and managed to GET THROUGH, which is hard in itself! You are HEROIC! Erratic is OK as you approach this other rough day, because you got you and your girls through this horrible year. Noone can expect you to just go breezing along as if this anniversary were not on the horizon. You will be OK, but this part is definitely not for sissies. With lots of love and many hugs, Laurie emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

Without a sense of humor, you may as well keel over and die, so LAUGH!


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COSMIC_ENERGY's Photo COSMIC_ENERGY Posts: 10,398
8/30/11 8:59 P

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I've got the German and British combo too! Anniversaries are hard. Some years harder than others. Hang in there.


Cosmic energy of light and love


BOLAURAOK Posts: 3,771
8/30/11 4:49 P

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My background is mostly German. In later years mom called (us) me every year to remind me of the special dates. I am glad you continue to keep him alive. Have you ever heard of the book Believe by Jennifer Silvera? She is a young woman who's husband was a police officer she had several young children also. You might identify with some of her feelings.

Laura

KATEJ17's Photo KATEJ17 Posts: 136
8/30/11 12:21 A

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Dear Bolauraok, Thanks so much for your thoughts; I really appreciate your perspective as a child who went through this. Our family, esp my parents were from the era where you just didn't show emotions, plus my mother is British, and my dad was German, so there's a stoic combination for you! :-) As a result, dealing with my emotions has been a life long challenge. And I just feel very erratic these days, even moreso as we approach the first anniversary of my husband's death. I still really can't quite believe it really happened. But I have been very open with my girls, and we have continued to keep Daddy alive in our home.
Hope you are having a better week this week so far. One day at a time....



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BOLAURAOK Posts: 3,771
8/29/11 10:01 P

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Kate,

I think my mom tried to hide her grief from us when my dad died. (five of us were under the age 18) I think she felt she had to be strong for all of us including the older ones. I think if she would have shown it. Then I (14) would have felt like I had permission to grieve. I think because of feeling like I needed to hide it it took me longer to cope with my dads death. I was well into college before I was able to accept that he had died. So I think it is ok for you to feel.
I am so sorry you are going through this.

KATEJ17's Photo KATEJ17 Posts: 136
5/30/11 1:02 P

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Thanks so much Laurie; your message was comforting and encouraging. We have continued with play therapy; each girl goes every other week, and while they are not expressing their grief in words, they are both working on self-expression through the play. My outbursts occur when I am at the end of my rope if they are fighting or ignoring my requests, or being defiant. If I exercise every day, it helps me stay more balanced, but I have been only getting to the gym 2-3 times a week for a good workout. It seems that the further out I get from my husband's death, the harder it is, not easier. I miss him more and more each day.
thank you again, for writing; I don't get on the site as often as I would like, but so appreciate the support that is always here when I do. emoticon kate



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SMURFETTE2423's Photo SMURFETTE2423 Posts: 3,295
5/30/11 11:35 A

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Kate- You said it best when you called it a "grief eruption". Grief sometimes takes us where we are not our usual, controlled selves. This is something that your kids will understand. They wouldn't WANT their Daddy to die and everything to just go on as if everything is fine. They WANT you to express your emotions because then they will feel free to express THEIR emotions. Getting them play therapy is BRILLIANT! You are a wonderful mother, Kate, so that one outburst is not going to scar those kids for life- they see that Mommy gets mad because SHE wants Daddy back, too. Then, their own anger becomes an acceptable part of healing, rather than something to hide away. If you decide not to fix the wall, you could mention it and say something like "Remember when Mommy was so angry about Daddy dying that she made the angry hole? " Then, they could talk about their feelings and ways they and you can express the very real anger that comes with the death of a loved one. Then, you could share some funny or happy memories, too. Love never dies, Kate. Their Daddy will always be their guardian angel from heaven, watching over them as they grow up. OXOXOXOX...Laurie
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Without a sense of humor, you may as well keel over and die, so LAUGH!


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SAL1512's Photo SAL1512 SparkPoints: (453,913)
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3/11/11 10:32 P

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JTAYLOR2X,
Thank you so much for your emphasizing to keep communication lines open. When my mother's, mother died, she had anger issues for years that were part of what drove us all away from her. We can remember trying to talk to her and she shoved us farther away at each attempt. You have given Kate some excellent advice!
Sally

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CD9515176 Posts: 245
3/11/11 7:16 A

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Message Removed

Edited by: CD9515176 at: 3/11/2011 (07:17)
KATEJ17's Photo KATEJ17 Posts: 136
3/7/11 9:42 P

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Thank you all, SO much for your loving words and support. Thanks to IW2B for sharing David Kessler's wisdom; I am just near the end of his book with Kubler-Ross, Of Grief and Grieving. It is so good.
I know all the ups and downs are so normal, and I'd probably cut myself more slack if it weren't for my girls (who are both in play therapy). But I will continue to try to take it one day at a time. You are all wonderful.
xo
kate



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COSMIC_ENERGY's Photo COSMIC_ENERGY Posts: 10,398
3/7/11 7:27 P

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You guys all rock! Thanks for stepping up and dishing out the support. Our team is one of the most caring on sparks.


Cosmic energy of light and love


IW2BHAPPY Posts: 10
3/7/11 5:45 P

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There is absolutely nothing wrong with how you reacted. I know you wish the hole was not in the wall, but it can be repaired. You have young children and if that's not a handful in and of itself, you are going through the loss of your husband. I lost my husband 2 years + 2.5 months ago. I know what you are going through. However, we didn't have children, so I know that is so much more.

Please know that it is healthy to let things out. And, you should not always try to hold it back from the lil ones. Our society isn't educated enough about grief and all the feelings and emotions that go along with it. You have to cry and you have to let it out. It's all a process. I am told if I do not take my time and go through it completely, experiencing all that goes with grieving the loss, I will slip back and continue going through it longer. Here are some words I have found very helpful when I start to question myself. They are by David Kessler, an author on grief:

When we think of grieving, we often think we would rather avoid it. But what we really want to avoid is not the grief, but the pain we feel from the loss. We may not realize that grief is a necessary and helpful tool that has been given to us to help us heal from the pain. Grief alone can take a broken soul and restore it to life Ė not the same life as before, but a new one.

As death is the great equalizer Ė in our grief, we are connected to all who have lost. As much as we try to understand and empathize with those who have lost a loved one, we often have no idea what they may be going through until we have our own personal experience with grief. It is a part of being human. Many long for the day when they will be over their grief, as if itís something we can recover from. In reality we donít recover. We grieve for the rest of our lives when we lose a loved one. In the years to come, it doesnít hurt less, just less often. We eventually take that pain, surround it with love and tuck it into our hearts.

Only our souls know if we will grieve with tears and, if we do, how many tears we have to shed. It doesnít really matter if you have a few or a boatful. It only matters that if you have 800 tears to cry, you donít stop at 600.

The period of time following a significant loss of a loved one is full of the feelings that we usually have spent a lifetime trying not to feel. Intense sadness, anger and emotional pain are our unwelcome visitors. To know these feelings and meet them at their full force for the first time brings up responses from draining to terrifying and everything in-between. We donít know that these foreign, unwelcome, intense feelings are part of the healing process. How can anything that feels so bad ever help to heal us?

The process of grief often reveals many wonderful things. We may still be in the beginning of our grief and yet, it winds its way from the feelings of anticipating a loss to the beginnings of fully living again. It completes an intense cycle of emotional upheaval. Healing doesnít mean we forget our loved one, nor does it mean we are not revisited by the pain of loss. We loved someone dearly and have suffered the pain of losing that loved one. It does mean we have experienced life to its fullest, complete with the cycle of birth and death. The person we loved and lost will always be imprinted in our soul, and we will reach a point someday when we can remember them, more with love than with sadness. Until then, they still remain tucked in our hearts. END OF KESSLER'S WORDS.

One day, if you are ever interested, I will share my story with you. It does help so much to share, just as you have in your message. I hope I have helped. May this new week be a good one for you.


JIACOLO's Photo JIACOLO Posts: 50,944
3/7/11 3:11 P

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The very best thing I did for myself to deal with my grief was to see a counselor. I had been bottling up a lot of my emotions and it was starting to impact my health. Having someone to talk to really helped me get it out and deal with it.

If you focus on results, you will never change. If you focus on change, you will get results.

- It's Janine!


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ZUCCHINIQUEEN's Photo ZUCCHINIQUEEN Posts: 9,575
3/7/11 6:43 A

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It's ok. It's a big job to crawl out of this hole. Emotions overcome you when you least expect it.
Talk to your kids about it when you are feeling able to do it.
Try a grief class at hospice. Other people in the same spot understand better than anybody. They will have suggestions for helping the kids adjust, too. You do not have to have been involved with hospice to attend the group sessions.
It's a long road back, but it can be done. The first year is the most painful. And it IS real pain!
A long distance hug...



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SAL1512's Photo SAL1512 SparkPoints: (453,913)
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3/6/11 6:23 P

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Forgive yourself as it was just one incident. It is not like you deal with your grief like that all the time. You had a bad day. You are a human being with an extra load right now. I can remember going into the laundry room and kicking my washing machine. My household was very concerned, but I felt better afterwards. The wall can be repaired. You can talk to your kids. It will all work out.
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COSMIC_ENERGY's Photo COSMIC_ENERGY Posts: 10,398
3/6/11 5:02 P

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Kate--I had my times like that when I had no grief when the kids wre little--They are healthy well adjusted grown kids now.

Your kids will

Have you ever done Tae Bo (sp?) or boxing? Maybe pounding a bag or the air would help vent some pent up emotion. Go on You Tube and find some videos, or maybe yoga and meditation to recenter you. Maybe none of the above--but do go easy on yourself, allow for the grief/anger. Search for whatever it is that helps you open up to life now. To grieve safely what you've lost--you are so entitled to be angry--I wish you peace on this journey.


Cosmic energy of light and love


PRPLEVIOLET's Photo PRPLEVIOLET SparkPoints: (0)
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3/6/11 3:21 P

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Also keep in mind that "allowing" your children to see you "lose it" also gives them an insight into you. They realize that you have feelings and sometimes you have to vent too. They will also realize that adults are not perfect either. Don't be too hard on yourself. Take a long walk or go to a park with the kids. Let them play while you unwind. Allow yourself to feel what is going on inside of you.

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JOS_SPARK's Photo JOS_SPARK Posts: 62
3/6/11 3:06 P

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I'm sorry you have to go through this. Just remember that anger is a completely normal emotion. You don't need to feel guilty and suppressing it does no good either. I found that trying to hold everything in did more damage and made me even angrier. I know you feel the need to "keep it together" for your children, but please remember to take time for yourself to feel whatever you need to. As the previous post mentioned, do something good for yourself so that you can let off some steam in a positive way. When you feel yourself getting overwhelmed, take some time alone to take some deep breaths and perhaps journal about your feelings.

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JIACOLO's Photo JIACOLO Posts: 50,944
3/6/11 1:40 P

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Kate...you are entitled to your grief. Don't apologize for "losing it" as you are going through enough and don't need to beat yourself up for it. Get someone to fix the hole or leave it as a reminder of the emotions you are dealing with. Try to enjoy the rest of the day. Do something good for yourself.

If you focus on results, you will never change. If you focus on change, you will get results.

- It's Janine!


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KATEJ17's Photo KATEJ17 Posts: 136
3/6/11 1:16 P

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Hello friends, I write to confess a not-so-shining moment in my day. A rainy cozy Sunday, I decided to keep all 3 of us home for the day, as my one daughter and I are getting over ear infections and are still feeling yucky. Trying to make the day a little special, I made pancakes while the girls played, most of the time cooperatively.! Later the little one was bugging the older one without mercy and I was called in for help to "get her out of my room!!!" I was met by the insane mess of 2 rooms with stuff all over them, and 2 screaming children. While trying to break up the fight and stepping on debris, I just completely lost it and started to throw toys out of the room to make a path to get in. One toy plowed into the wall making a nice hole in the drywall. I am so ashamed and mad at myself for losing it. I escaped to the basement where I had a good cry kneeling with my husband's bike, the bike that he was on when he was killed. I am so afraid that my erratic emotions are going to mess up my kids or erode their respect for me as mama. I feel like I really messed up and now have to fix a hole in the wall on top of it. Ugh. Thanks for listening....Kate



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