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BEBARB149's Photo BEBARB149 SparkPoints: (262,254)
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9/15/15 11:01 P

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Two 90-year-old men, Phil and Joe, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Phil was dying, Joe visited him every day.

One day, Joe said, “Phil, we both loved playing baseball all our lives, and we played all through high school. Please do me one favour - when you get to heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s baseball there."

Phil looked up at Joe from his death bed and said, "Joe, you've been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I'll do this favour for you."

Shortly after that, Phil died.

A few nights later, Joe was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, “Joe, Joe ."

"Who is it?" asked Joe, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Joe -- it's me, Phil"

"You're not Phil. Phil just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Phil," insisted the voice.

"Phil - Where are you?"

"In heaven," replied Phil. “I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," said Joe.

"The good news," Phil said with joy and enthusiasm, "is that there is baseball in heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before me are here, too. Even better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always Springtime and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play ball all we want, and we never get tired. And we get to play with all of the Greats of the past!"

"That's fantastic!" said Joe “It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?"

"You're pitching on Tuesday."



The secret of change is to focus all of your energy not on fighting the old, but on building the new.--Socrates
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*~*~*~
The only person you need to be better than is the person you were yesterday.


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9/13/15 2:36 P

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An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids.
He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an
aptitude test.

The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum
wage of $7.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can
get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the
forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first
day." Taken aback, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a
computer nor an e-mail address. To this the manager replies, "You must
understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually
do not exist. Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be
employed by a high-tech firm. Good day."

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his
wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling 25 lb. crates
of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and
displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes
and makes 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that
day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with
several bags of groceries for his family. During the night he decides
to repeat the tomato business the next day. By the end of the week he
is getting up early every day and working into the night. He multiplies his
profits quickly.

Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several
boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the
cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck.

At the end of a year, he owns three old trucks. His two sons have
left their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business,
his wife is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night
courses at the community college so she can keep books for him.

By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks
and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling
tomatoes. He continues to work hard.

Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice
trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms
that the boys manage. The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of
homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed over one million
dollars.

Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance.
Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to
fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail
address in order to send the final documents electronically. When the
man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer and has
no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned, "What, you don't have
e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be
today if you'd had all of that five years ago!"

"Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be
sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $7.35 an hour."

Which brings us to the moral of the story: Since you got this story by
e-mail, you're probably closer to being a janitor than a millionaire.

Sadly, I received it also.



The secret of change is to focus all of your energy not on fighting the old, but on building the new.--Socrates
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*~*~*~
The only person you need to be better than is the person you were yesterday.


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9/12/15 9:01 A

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Love it! emoticon

The secret of change is to focus all of your energy not on fighting the old, but on building the new.--Socrates
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*~*~*~
The only person you need to be better than is the person you were yesterday.


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LUISE2512's Photo LUISE2512 Posts: 500
9/11/15 10:40 P

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Devon girl


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8/31/15 10:05 A

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A while ago a new supermarket opened in San Antonio , Texas .
…………………………………………………………………………………………………

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.
Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and there is the scent of freshly mowed hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens clucking and cackling, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.

I don’t buy toilet paper there anymore!

The secret of change is to focus all of your energy not on fighting the old, but on building the new.--Socrates
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*~*~*~
The only person you need to be better than is the person you were yesterday.


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CD15715546 Posts: 166
8/19/15 12:57 P

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emoticon

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8/17/15 4:30 P

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A police officer called the station on his radio.

"I have an interesting case here. An old lady shot
her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped."

His sergeant asks,
"Have you arrested the woman?"

The policeman replies,
"No sir, not yet. The floor's still wet."





The secret of change is to focus all of your energy not on fighting the old, but on building the new.--Socrates
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*~*~*~
The only person you need to be better than is the person you were yesterday.


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CD15715546 Posts: 166
8/17/15 3:56 P

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I love reading all these cute stories. I know I am going to like this team! emoticon

JIMA64's Photo JIMA64 Posts: 21,912
8/17/15 3:47 P

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Never quit dreaming.


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8/3/15 11:49 P

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Cute

BEBARB149's Photo BEBARB149 SparkPoints: (262,254)
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6/2/15 9:48 P

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An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The old man didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Once again, the old man just muttered and did nothing.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled man, but with no success.
Finally they summoned the police. The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?"

"Fred," the old man moaned.

"Where ya from, Fred?" asked the police officer.

With a terrible grunt in his voice, and without moving, Fred replied......"The balcony!"







The secret of change is to focus all of your energy not on fighting the old, but on building the new.--Socrates
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*~*~*~
The only person you need to be better than is the person you were yesterday.


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5/2/15 11:13 P

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emoticon Double pun, huh? ROFL

The secret of change is to focus all of your energy not on fighting the old, but on building the new.--Socrates
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*~*~*~
The only person you need to be better than is the person you were yesterday.


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CD15305514 Posts: 190
5/2/15 3:02 P

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Why was Noah the best businessman in the Bible?

He floated his stock while everybody else was being liquidated.



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4/25/15 7:45 P

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Snickering....good one and thanks for sharing.

BEBARB149's Photo BEBARB149 SparkPoints: (262,254)
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4/15/15 1:49 P

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An old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long,

discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther

heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep trouble now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles

down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd

exclaims loudly,

"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder if there are any more

around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look

of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!" says the panther,

"That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene

from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good

use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans

and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says,

"Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen

to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with

the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?"

But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his

attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they

get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...

"Where's that squirrel?

I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs . Age and skill will always

overcome youth and treachery!

Bull and brilliance only come with age and experience.




.




The secret of change is to focus all of your energy not on fighting the old, but on building the new.--Socrates
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*~*~*~
The only person you need to be better than is the person you were yesterday.


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LUISE2512's Photo LUISE2512 Posts: 500
4/2/15 2:18 P

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emoticon

Edited by: LUISE2512 at: 4/4/2015 (00:38)
Devon girl


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3/29/15 5:39 P

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Devon girl


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3/11/15 7:31 A

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Hang in, Hang on, the cavalry is just over the horizon!

Well, I'm still alive, so there's that…..
Bern, Merritt Island, Florida
The best revenge is a life well lived.


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3/8/15 6:41 P

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Edited by: JIMA64 at: 3/8/2015 (18:43)
Never quit dreaming.


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Hang in, Hang on, the cavalry is just over the horizon!

Well, I'm still alive, so there's that…..
Bern, Merritt Island, Florida
The best revenge is a life well lived.


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JIMA64's Photo JIMA64 Posts: 21,912
3/5/15 7:28 A

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Never quit dreaming.


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12/30/14 3:42 P

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You guys are wonderful, just looked you up today. I am not great on the techy side so it has taken me awhile to discover all the wonderful people at Sparks. I love your humor. emoticon

Time to get moving.Go Go Go


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ARMOMMI2's Photo ARMOMMI2 Posts: 1,210
12/28/14 9:12 A

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One of the funniest things I've heard this year is about the Spark People member who couldn't get her Spark Tracker to work. When she sent it back , it logged 2,000 steps while in transit. Gotta love it!!!

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CD8271201 Posts: 249
11/26/14 3:49 P

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Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in it’s cold out here.

CD8271201 Posts: 249
11/25/14 3:25 P

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How do you get down off an elephant?
(You don't, you get down off a duck!)

NONONO54's Photo NONONO54 SparkPoints: (17,615)
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9/9/14 6:17 P

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i got some good laughs from these posts! laughter is a wonderful thing!! emoticon

Edited by: NONONO54 at: 9/9/2014 (18:19)
I'm gonna make it!
Mary - Nonono54


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FERALAUNTIE's Photo FERALAUNTIE SparkPoints: (92,820)
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7/28/14 12:05 P

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I enjoyed all the humor. Not good at telling jokes myself.

Linda


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IMAVISION's Photo IMAVISION Posts: 22,615
6/4/14 10:20 A

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emoticon for the chuckles!

God bless!

Something to know about this gal "Ima" - I follow the Savior of the world!

I stand in awe of the salvation, through Christ Jesus, that Creator God has granted me. May you enjoy the same!

I am so very thankful that the door of access is permanently open to The Creator & His beloved Son, Christ Jesus!

"Blessed is the nation whose God is the Lord." ~ Psalm 33:12 --- IN GOD WE TRUST

ONMYWAY1949's Photo ONMYWAY1949 Posts: 3,025
5/30/14 4:10 P

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Why was the little strawberry worried? Because his folks were in a jam.....

Trudy from Illinois

Striving to better myself

Things turn out best for those who make the best of the way things turn out.


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CD1937231 Posts: 5,790
3/3/14 10:36 A

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A husband and wife were having extra marital affairs.
The wife encountered her husband and his 'partner'
on the stairs of the same hotel, she had
her 'partner' with her also,she quickly yelled to him:
"Caught you, and don't say I'm lying because I have a witness with me!"

CD14293905 Posts: 1,846
12/28/13 6:07 A

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A little boy went up to his father and asked: ‘Dad, where did my intelligence come from?’
The father replied. ‘Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.’

emoticon



CD14293905 Posts: 1,846
12/18/13 5:43 A

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JAIZWAYS's Photo JAIZWAYS Posts: 2,751
12/14/13 11:54 P

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Was at a friends for lunch this week and she had some really cute napkins which said

"Santa, my wish is for a fat bank account and a thin body. Please don't mix these up like you did last year."



*** Jaiz (or Jane)***,
Vancouver, Canada
**************************
"Don't do anything to lose weight that you are unwilling to do forever." ~ Georgie Fear
**************************





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MJEFFERSON23 SparkPoints: (32,691)
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12/6/13 8:36 P

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A preacher had a little too much to drink and was driving down the road. A policeman was a little suspicious and pulled him over. "Sir, what have you been drinking, tonight?" he asked. "Just water" the preacher answered. "Oh, really?" the policeman asked as he spotted the bottle on the passengers' seat., "Then how do you explain that wine bottle, there?" "Praise Jesus!" the preacher replied, "He's done it, again!"

The only "diet" that works is consistency!

NTAGABSF!



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CD14293905 Posts: 1,846
12/3/13 5:41 P

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Weird Diets emoticon

Horace Fletcher became known as “The Great Masticator” in the early 1900s for his weird diet. He proposed that people “Fletcherize” their food, meaning that they chew about 100 times per minute and only consume its liquids. Meals would consist of the juices that trickled down the throat, but anything solid left over was spit out. Even though his diet was extreme, weight-loss experts do advise that you eat slowly to curb overeating.

MJEFFERSON23 SparkPoints: (32,691)
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12/3/13 9:45 A

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I love everyone's stories!

The only "diet" that works is consistency!

NTAGABSF!



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11/21/13 12:04 P

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A young couple had been engaged for a while, yet managed to keep secrets from each other. She had a bad case of chronic bad breath. He couldn't control his foot odor.Finally, they got married and on their wedding night, decided to tell all.
The wife said, "Honey, there's something I have to tell you" The husband said," I think I know what you're going to say" "No, you don't", she said."Yes, I do", he said. They went back and forth like this for a little while.
Finally, out of frustration, the wife screamed into her husband's face, "No You DON'T!". the husband, gasping for air, whispered "Yes, I do, you've been eating my socks"

The only "diet" that works is consistency!

NTAGABSF!



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MISSILENE's Photo MISSILENE SparkPoints: (0)
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11/16/13 12:12 P

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I just came back from being away for almost 2 weeks, glad to be back

Miss Ilene. Ready to get back on the wagon.

Co-Leader and Co-Founder of Lapband Rulers.
I have a lapband for more than 5 years.
I am strong and can do it. I am a strong American women.
Lizybird@aol.com


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CD14293905 Posts: 1,846
11/16/13 6:08 A

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DIETER'S PRAYER

AS I WAKE UP FROM MY SLEEP
I PRAY MY DIET I MAY KEEP
BUT IF TEMPTATION MAKES ME SLIP,
I PRAY THE LORD MY PANTS WON'T RIP.
emoticon

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10/2/13 10:37 A

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Funny, thanks for sending it

Miss Ilene. Ready to get back on the wagon.

Co-Leader and Co-Founder of Lapband Rulers.
I have a lapband for more than 5 years.
I am strong and can do it. I am a strong American women.
Lizybird@aol.com


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SLACHETKA103145's Photo SLACHETKA103145 SparkPoints: (0)
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7/20/13 9:24 A

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An elderly man was having hearing problems and went to see a specialist. The doctor fitted him with some hearing aids that brought his hearing back to full strength. After a few weeks the man came back to make sure the new equipment was working properly, which it was. The hearing specialist said, “It all seems perfect. Your family should be delighted you can hear everything now.”

“Oh no,” the man responded. “I haven’t told any of them. I just sit quietly, listening carefully. I’ve changed my will four times.”

Jean

If you think you are beaten, you are.
If you think you dare not, you don't.
If you'd like to win but think you can't,
It's almost certain you won't.
Life's battles don't always go
To the stronger or faster man,
But sooner or later, the man who wins
Is the man who thinks he can. (Walter D. Wintle)



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CAT-IN-CJ's Photo CAT-IN-CJ Posts: 6,026
6/28/13 2:51 P

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www.godvine.com/Watch-What-This-90-Y
ea
r-Old-Couple-Does-at-the-Clinic-1106R>.html


I hope this link works . . . I got a good chuckle out of this 90-something couple's performance.

Cathy
Makin' it happen. One good decision at a time.


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CAT-IN-CJ's Photo CAT-IN-CJ Posts: 6,026
6/24/13 2:19 P

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Great fun! Thanks for the chuckles!!

Cathy
Makin' it happen. One good decision at a time.


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RONALANA's Photo RONALANA Posts: 1,002
9/23/12 11:58 A

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This one made me laugh! emoticon
An elderly woman was speeding down the road when she was stopped by a policeman.
Policeman: "Ma'am, did you realize that you were exceeding the posted speed limit?"
Woman: "Sir, I need to get where I'm going QUICKLY before I forget where I was going!"

Alana - Florianópolis, Brazil
"A healthy body is a guest-chamber for the soul; a sick body is a prison." Francis Bacon
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Hillary Clinton was in China during the Democratic National Convention. When told that Bill Clinton did really good there, she said "what?", they said, you know he was in Charlotte. She replied, who is Charlotte? -- heard on the Bill Maher Show

Edited by: BECKYLIZ at: 9/13/2012 (15:20)
JUST FOR TODAY, ONE DAY AT A TIME

John 3:16 KJV -
For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.

"If the only prayer you ever say in your life is thank you, it will be enough" - Meister Eckhart


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R-U-JELLEN's Photo R-U-JELLEN Posts: 1,175
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Thanks for all the laughs!! I've sent many of them on to my sister and over 60 friends!!
emoticon emoticon emoticon

"Music gives a soul to the universe, wings to the mind, and life to everything" ~Plato

"Shout with joy to the Lord, all the earth, burst into jubilant song with music" ~Psalm 98

Jo


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WHERERMY62KEYS Posts: 4,512
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What do donkeys get for lunch? Half an hour same as everyone else. lol

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8/3/12 4:50 A

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I love this forum. Will have to find some jokes to post. I have been laughing at the posts with my 13 year old grand daughter. She loved the one about the taxi driver in Salford.

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I am new and had a good laugh at some of the jokes and stories. emoticon

UK South of England GMT
Eastern Zone 5 hrs difference


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MALZARD's Photo MALZARD Posts: 61
6/22/12 3:22 A

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Hi to you all
I am guilty of not keeping on with the diet (anyone else?)
Loved the Paul Newman joke btw Ttenicy
I'm off for a holiay in S Francisco middle Sept, NOW I have the incentive!!!!
Wish me luck girls as I do you emoticon

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TTENACITY-SR40's Photo TTENACITY-SR40 Posts: 1,198
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Paul Newman founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for
children stricken with cancer, AIDS, and blood diseases. One afternoon, he and is wife, Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with the kids. A counselor at a nearby table, suspecting the young patients wouldn't know Newman was a famous movie star, explained, 'That's the man who made this camp possible. Maybe you've seen his picture on his salad dressing bottle?' Blank stares. 'Well, you've probably seen his face on his lemonade carton.' An eight-year-old girl perked up 'How long was he missing?'

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75HEALTHYME's Photo 75HEALTHYME Posts: 23,964
3/25/12 10:36 A

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I like/love jokes too. I just spent some time scanning back into Nov 2010.
Great fun!! Thanks, Audra

AudraSJ NH-USA (EDT=UTC-4 / EST=UTC-5)

"Never make someone a priority in your life who makes you an option in theirs"

It is HARD WORK to learn NEW habits, especially healthy ones! audsj



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Hi, I like jokes!

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I would like to be here to . I need help god bless

WENT TO BE HEALTHER NOW,AND EAT RIGHT TOO


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MAKEITBE's Photo MAKEITBE Posts: 626
2/20/12 12:07 A

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Those were good........laughter is a good thing. emoticon

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2/4/12 8:34 P

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We'll always be good friends...and when we get OLDer...we'll be NEW friends...haha...

JANEY

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There's an old vulture, lying...dying, and he turns to his mate and says, "Stay with me, Nigel." and his loyal comrade replies, "No worries, old friend, I'll never leave your side. Now...just rest your head on this platter.....".

Get wisdom, get understanding: forget it not. Proverbs 4:5


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11/29/11 5:46 P

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Good jokes, I'll have to dust off a few and report back

JUST FOR TODAY, ONE DAY AT A TIME

John 3:16 KJV -
For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.

"If the only prayer you ever say in your life is thank you, it will be enough" - Meister Eckhart


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ONMYWAY1949's Photo ONMYWAY1949 Posts: 3,025
10/11/11 8:42 A

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Grandma started walking 5 miles a day when she turned 70!! She's 75 now....we don't have a clue where she is!!

Trudy from Illinois

Striving to better myself

Things turn out best for those who make the best of the way things turn out.


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CD1937231 Posts: 5,790
9/29/11 8:48 A

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A man called home to his wife and said, " HoneyI have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends

We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're Leaving From the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up"
" Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.

The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?

He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to Do?"

You'll love the answer...

The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box .."
Never Lie To A Woman...!!!
Send this to all the smart Women
And Men who can handle the truth.

CD1937231 Posts: 5,790
9/19/11 4:39 P

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Tap on the Shoulder


A true story from the pages of the Manchester Evening Times


Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Salford station leaned

over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to

get his attention.


The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up

over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking

driver said "are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of

me."


The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't

realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."


The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my

fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab.

I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."



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Thanks for the smiles

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CLASSICSCRAZY's Photo CLASSICSCRAZY Posts: 79
8/10/11 3:27 P

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Thanks for the smiles....some really good one there. emoticon Gail

Edited by: CLASSICSCRAZY at: 8/10/2011 (15:28)
Gail....Manitouwadge, Ontario, Canada (North of Lake Superior)

Need help, staying motivate especially with exercise. I'm looking for a Exercise Buddy who is Type 2 diabetic and wants to lose 20 to 100 lbs) :)

Success seems to be largely a matter of hanging on after others have let go.....William Feather


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7/27/11 11:58 A

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i don't remember anything funny but I enjoyed these stories

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ILOVEROSES's Photo ILOVEROSES SparkPoints: (472,111)
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7/3/11 7:43 A

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An 89-year-old woman used her cane to dent the bonnet of a getaway car used by two people who stole her 82-year-old friend's purse outside a Pennsylvania pizza shop. Police were able to track it down because of the cane's imprint.

Ania from Melbourne, Australia
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"I am what I am today because of the choices I made yesterday, and because of that I choose to be something different tomorrow".
~ Kenn Kihiu



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6/24/11 2:55 A

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New York City plans to capture geese that threaten planes and send them to Pennsylvania to be cooked for meals for the poor. The plan is aimed at avoiding incidents like the forced landing of a US Airways plane in the Hudson River in January 2009.
emoticon

Ania from Melbourne, Australia
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"I am what I am today because of the choices I made yesterday, and because of that I choose to be something different tomorrow".
~ Kenn Kihiu



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A San Diego County Fair vendor's latest creation, deep-fried Kool-Aid, sold 500 orders a day in its first weekend. Charlie Boghosian said he had gone through 70 kilograms/ 154 lbs of Kool-Aid cordial powder and 700 kilograms/ 1540 lbs of flour since the fair began.
emoticon

Ania from Melbourne, Australia
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"I am what I am today because of the choices I made yesterday, and because of that I choose to be something different tomorrow".
~ Kenn Kihiu



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6/24/11 2:49 A

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emoticon emoticon emoticon

Ania from Melbourne, Australia
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"I am what I am today because of the choices I made yesterday, and because of that I choose to be something different tomorrow".
~ Kenn Kihiu



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LUV4KATZ's Photo LUV4KATZ Posts: 3,687
6/24/11 12:56 A

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If I remember correctly, I read this in an old Bennet Serf book of humor my dad used to have.

A society matron was attending a lavish dinner party. Unfortunately, she came down with a case of the sniffles. Since her ball gown had no pockets, she tucked a couple of tissues in her ample bosom.

Sure enough, her nose starting running just before dinner, and she used one of the tissues. During dinner, she started having a problem again, and went to pull out the other one. However, she had a little difficulty finding it. As she was rummaging, she noticed the young man sitting across the table from her staring at her in fascination.

Embarrassed, she blurted out ...


...

...




"But I know I had two when I came!"

emoticon

Edited by: LUV4KATZ at: 6/24/2011 (00:57)
Mary Lue - Team Captain
BLC 46 - FBI Special Agent
FBI Website:
blcfbi.weebly.com

BLC 45 - FBI Associate Deputy Director
BLC 44 - FBI Director
BLC 43 - FBI Associate Deputy Director
BLC 42 - FBI Associate Deputy Director
BLC 41 - FBI Senior Executive
BLC 40 - FBI Secret Agen
BLC 39 - FBI Secret Agent
BLC 38 - FBI Associate Deputy Director
BLC 37: FBI Elite Secret Agent
BLC 36: FBI Analyst
BLC 35 - FBI Special Agent
BL


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6/16/11 11:52 P

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More than 20,000 Britons are admitted to hospital each year after falling out of bed. According to the National Health Service another 12,000 are admitted after falling from a chair, 6400 after falling from or onto ladders and 1200 after falling out of a tree.

Ania from Melbourne, Australia
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"I am what I am today because of the choices I made yesterday, and because of that I choose to be something different tomorrow".
~ Kenn Kihiu



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HYPNONUMBER's Photo HYPNONUMBER Posts: 93
6/12/11 6:50 P

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Funeee



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STUDLEEJOE's Photo STUDLEEJOE Posts: 3,883
6/12/11 1:20 P

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Last Sunday as my nephew and his wife were getting ready for church there youngest daughter came in and said. Mama I need money to give the children church pastor his tip. Out of the mouths of babes.

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BAILEY1949's Photo BAILEY1949 SparkPoints: (0)
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6/8/11 4:00 A

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Had to share this one...
Sunday I was fixing breakfast for the family. We raise chickens and have open range eggs that are fresh daily about 100 per day....(We sell them) but anyway I am making scrambled eggs and after cracking two or three I hit one on the bowl and it just felt heavy and I thought OH NO!!!! I was afraid to look. When I did look it was one of my boiled eggs that I had in another bowl and my niece who stays with us just thought I ran out of room and put them all in my egg tray in the fridge....I ended up finding 3 more and then my niece found 1 more the next morning....We all had a very big laugh because you are afraid to look. Don't want no fried chicken for breakfast. Have a good day emoticon

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5/12/11 10:49 A

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Smart girl!

Ania from Melbourne, Australia
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"I am what I am today because of the choices I made yesterday, and because of that I choose to be something different tomorrow".
~ Kenn Kihiu



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JUSFOLK's Photo JUSFOLK Posts: 1,830
5/12/11 10:30 A

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My oldest granddaughter (10), realized she had not gotten her mom anything for Mother's Day, and was apologizing, but then she redeemed herself quickly: "Well, when I was born, I made you a mom, so I'm done here!"

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JUSFOLK's Photo JUSFOLK Posts: 1,830
5/10/11 7:10 P

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For loads of belly-laughs, check out ILOVEROSES' blog: "Actual Worldwide Signs". It shows the english language doesn't always translate well...and that can be a funny thing!

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5/9/11 9:59 P

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emoticon

Ania from Melbourne, Australia
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"I am what I am today because of the choices I made yesterday, and because of that I choose to be something different tomorrow".
~ Kenn Kihiu



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LADYRH's Photo LADYRH Posts: 15,257
5/9/11 7:13 P

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Loved this, talk about ultimate disappointment.
emoticon

LadyRH


You cannot control the wind but you can adjust ,your sail.
New Berlin. Wisconsin USA

Vivienne


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F8CONE8's Photo F8CONE8 Posts: 21,200
5/9/11 5:14 P

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Age does not diminish the extreme disappointment of having a scoop of ice cream fall from the cone.
~ Jim Fiebig



teams.sparkpeople.com/artists




Hugsfromoregon.com


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JUSFOLK's Photo JUSFOLK Posts: 1,830
4/23/11 10:17 P

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I read this one another Sparker's site:
Good: finding Easter eggs on Easter
Not-so-goo: finding Easter eggs on Christmas.
emoticon emoticon

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LADYRH's Photo LADYRH Posts: 15,257
4/23/11 8:24 A

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INSTALLING SPRING...
44% DONE.
Install delayed....please wait.
Installation failed. Please try again. 404 error: Season not found.
Season "Spring" cannot be located. The season you are looking for might have been removed, had its name changed, or is temporarily unavailable.
Please try again.


LadyRH


You cannot control the wind but you can adjust ,your sail.
New Berlin. Wisconsin USA

Vivienne


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MSCRISPIN's Photo MSCRISPIN Posts: 710
4/3/11 1:34 P

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I love this quotes, I will add them to my inspiration list.

You can do what ever you want, if you are determine to do it .


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CD9639643 Posts: 1,952
4/3/11 10:33 A

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ILOVEROSES's Photo ILOVEROSES SparkPoints: (472,111)
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emoticon

Ania from Melbourne, Australia
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"I am what I am today because of the choices I made yesterday, and because of that I choose to be something different tomorrow".
~ Kenn Kihiu



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CD9639643 Posts: 1,952
3/26/11 8:50 A

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Did you hear the joke about the roof? Forget about it, it's over your head.

MSCRISPIN's Photo MSCRISPIN Posts: 710
3/21/11 10:40 P

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I love the use of the 2 words, your example is so true.

You can do what ever you want, if you are determine to do it .


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ILOVEROSES's Photo ILOVEROSES SparkPoints: (472,111)
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3/19/11 8:42 P

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Difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED

People say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED.
But there is. When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE.
And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED.
And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are... COMPLETELY FINISHED

ENGLISH IS A WONDERFUL LANGUAGE, ISN'T IT?

Ania from Melbourne, Australia
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"I am what I am today because of the choices I made yesterday, and because of that I choose to be something different tomorrow".
~ Kenn Kihiu



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