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NANASUEH's Photo NANASUEH Posts: 76,191
6/6/21 11:56 A

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NANASUEH's Photo NANASUEH Posts: 76,191
6/6/21 11:56 A

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An elderly lawyer was about to die. One day he told his wife he had come up with a way to take all of the money he had with him to heaven. He told his wife to put all of his money in the attic so when he died he could grab it on the way up.
A couple of weeks after he died his wife was cleaning out the attic and saw that the money bags were still there. “That old fool,” she chuckled. “I told him that we should have put the money in the basement!”

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NANASUEH's Photo NANASUEH Posts: 76,191
6/6/21 11:56 A

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NANASUEH's Photo NANASUEH Posts: 76,191
6/5/21 12:07 P

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NANASUEH's Photo NANASUEH Posts: 76,191
6/5/21 12:07 P

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Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.
The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."
Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.
"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game.
I slapped my wife on the rear and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! it's a great morning for sex or golf ' and she said, "Take a sweater.."

grammiesfunnies


NANASUEH's Photo NANASUEH Posts: 76,191
6/5/21 12:07 P

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NANASUEH's Photo NANASUEH Posts: 76,191
6/4/21 11:44 A

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NANASUEH's Photo NANASUEH Posts: 76,191
6/4/21 11:43 A

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An English teacher told his students that when pronouncing a word beginning with the letter "H" they should ignore the "H" as in hour, honor, and honest. That day when leaving for class, he left a note for his assistant, "Please heat my rice for me." When the teacher returned to his office, he met an empty bowl. He asked the assistant, "Where is my food?" The assistant replied, "You said I should heat the rice for you, but you also instructed us to ignored the 'H.'"

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NANASUEH's Photo NANASUEH Posts: 76,191
6/4/21 11:43 A

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NANASUEH's Photo NANASUEH Posts: 76,191
6/3/21 11:07 A

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NANASUEH's Photo NANASUEH Posts: 76,191
6/3/21 11:06 A

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An English lord is sitting down in the breakfast room when suddenly there's a huge bang and a car comes crashing through the wall. The lord doesn't twitch an eyebrow and simply invites the unfortunate but unharmed driver to join him at breakfast. One the breakfast is over, he casually asks the driver, "Where were you headed, anyway"
"Blackpool."
"Oh, it would have been shorter to cut through the kitchens."

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NANASUEH's Photo NANASUEH Posts: 76,191
6/3/21 11:06 A

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NANASUEH's Photo NANASUEH Posts: 76,191
6/2/21 11:12 A

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NANASUEH's Photo NANASUEH Posts: 76,191
6/2/21 11:12 A

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How many psychologists do you need to change a lightbulb?  
Hm, and how many do YOU think?

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NANASUEH's Photo NANASUEH Posts: 76,191
6/2/21 11:12 A

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NANASUEH's Photo NANASUEH Posts: 76,191
6/1/21 11:35 A

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NANASUEH's Photo NANASUEH Posts: 76,191
6/1/21 11:35 A

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Three men were hiking when they came upon a large, raging, violent river.
Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed: 'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.'
Poof!!!
God gave him big arms and strong legs. And he was able to swim across in just two hours, though he almost drowned twice!
After seeing that, the second man prayed: 'God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river.'
Poof!!!
God gave him a kayak and strong arms and strong legs. And he was able to row across the river in about an hour, though he almost overturned once!
Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: 'God, please give me the strength, the tools, and the intelligence to cross the river.'
Poof!!!
He was turned into a woman!
She then checked the map, hiked one hundred yards upstream and walked across the bridge.

Grammies Funnies


NANASUEH's Photo NANASUEH Posts: 76,191
6/1/21 11:34 A

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NANASUEH's Photo NANASUEH Posts: 76,191
5/31/21 11:02 A

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NANASUEH's Photo NANASUEH Posts: 76,191
5/31/21 11:01 A

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Two men are stranded on a deserted island. One despairs, but the other one claps him assuredly on the back and says, “Don’t worry, they will definitely find us, and soon.”
“Really? Why do you think so?”
“I owe the IRS five years’ worth of taxes.”

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NANASUEH's Photo NANASUEH Posts: 76,191
5/31/21 11:01 A

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NANASUEH's Photo NANASUEH Posts: 76,191
5/30/21 11:20 A

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NANASUEH's Photo NANASUEH Posts: 76,191
5/30/21 11:20 A

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A man is reading his newspaper and says to his wife: “Michelle, look. Here is an article about how women use about twice as many words per day as men do.”
The wife responds: “That’s because we have to tell you everything twice”

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NANASUEH's Photo NANASUEH Posts: 76,191
5/30/21 11:20 A

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NANASUEH's Photo NANASUEH Posts: 76,191
5/29/21 11:08 A

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NANASUEH's Photo NANASUEH Posts: 76,191
5/29/21 11:07 A

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"I'm telling you one last time," a doctor yells at his nurse, "when you're filling out a death certificate, you put the name of the illness under cause of death, not the name of the supervising physician!"

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NANASUEH's Photo NANASUEH Posts: 76,191
5/29/21 11:07 A

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NANASUEH's Photo NANASUEH Posts: 76,191
5/28/21 10:57 A

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NANASUEH's Photo NANASUEH Posts: 76,191
5/28/21 10:57 A

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My dog once ate all the Scrabble tiles. He kept leaving messages around the house for days.

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NANASUEH's Photo NANASUEH Posts: 76,191
5/28/21 10:57 A

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NANASUEH's Photo NANASUEH Posts: 76,191
5/27/21 12:34 P

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NANASUEH's Photo NANASUEH Posts: 76,191
5/27/21 12:33 P

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After ordering a milkshake, a man had to leave his seat in the restaurant to use the rest room.
Since he didn’t want anyone to take his shake, he took a paper napkin, wrote on it, “The world’s strongest weight lifter,” and left it under his glass.
When he returned from making his pit stop, the glass was empty. Under it was a new napkin with a note that said
“Thanks for the treat!” It was signed, “The world’s fastest runner.”

dailyjokes.com


NANASUEH's Photo NANASUEH Posts: 76,191
5/27/21 12:33 P

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NANASUEH's Photo NANASUEH Posts: 76,191
5/26/21 11:09 A

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NANASUEH's Photo NANASUEH Posts: 76,191
5/26/21 11:09 A

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Internet discussion: user kiki357: HEEEEY, HOW ARE YOU? I’M NEW HERE!
user ukili: Try pressing CapsLock.
user kiki357: AWESOME, NOW I DON’T HAVE TO KEEP PRESSING SHIFT!!!!


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NANASUEH's Photo NANASUEH Posts: 76,191
5/26/21 11:09 A

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NANASUEH's Photo NANASUEH Posts: 76,191
5/25/21 12:00 P

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NANASUEH's Photo NANASUEH Posts: 76,191
5/25/21 11:59 A

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from NEW-CAZ
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.


NANASUEH's Photo NANASUEH Posts: 76,191
5/25/21 11:59 A

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NANASUEH's Photo NANASUEH Posts: 76,191
5/24/21 11:31 A

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NANASUEH's Photo NANASUEH Posts: 76,191
5/24/21 11:31 A

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One company owner asks another: “Tell me, Bill, how come your employees are always on time in the mornings?” Bill replies: “Easy. 30 employees and 20 parking spaces.”

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NANASUEH's Photo NANASUEH Posts: 76,191
5/24/21 11:31 A

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NANASUEH's Photo NANASUEH Posts: 76,191
5/23/21 11:24 A

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NANASUEH's Photo NANASUEH Posts: 76,191
5/23/21 11:24 A

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I was going to start a Procrastinators Club. But then I realized I’d have to reject anyone who actually turned up at the meeting so I decided to put it off again.

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NANASUEH's Photo NANASUEH Posts: 76,191
5/23/21 11:23 A

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NANASUEH's Photo NANASUEH Posts: 76,191
5/22/21 1:01 P

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NANASUEH's Photo NANASUEH Posts: 76,191
5/22/21 1:01 P

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ME: This could happen….
– Hello! Gordon’s pizza?
– No sir it’s Google’s pizza.

– So it’s a wrong number? Sorry
– No sir, Google bought it.

– OK. Take my order please
– Well sir, you want the usual?

– The usual? You know me?
– According to our caller ID data sheet, in the last 12 times, you ordered pizza with cheeses, sausage, thick crust.

– OK! This is it …
– May I suggest to you this time ricotta, arugula with dry tomato.?

– What? I hate vegetables.
– Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

– How do you know?
– We crossed the number of your fixed line with your name, through the subscribers guide.
We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

– Okay, but I do not want this pizza!,I already take medicine …
-Excuse me, but you have not taken the medicine regularly, from our commercial database, 4 months ago, you only purchased a box with 30 cholesterol tablets at Drugsale Network.

– I bought more from another drugstore.
– It’s not showing on your credit card statement

– I paid in cash
– But you did not withdraw that much cash according to your bank statement

– I have other source of cash
– This is not showing as per you last Tax form unless you bought them from undeclared income source.

-WHAT THE …..?
– I’m sorry, sir, we use such information only with the intention of helping you.

– Enough! I’m sick of google, facebook, twitter, WhatsApp. I’m going to an Island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone line and no one to watch me or spy on me

– I understand sir but you need to renew your passport first as it has expired 5 weeks ago.

dailyjokes.com


NANASUEH's Photo NANASUEH Posts: 76,191
5/22/21 1:01 P

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NANASUEH's Photo NANASUEH Posts: 76,191
5/21/21 11:06 A

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NANASUEH's Photo NANASUEH Posts: 76,191
5/21/21 11:06 A

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Farmer Brown decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court.
In court, the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer Brown.
“Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine’?” asked the lawyer.
Farmer Brown responded, “Well I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the…”
“I didn’t ask for any details,” the lawyer interrupted, “just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine’!”
Farmer Brown said, “Well I had just gotten Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road…”
The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Brown’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie.”
Brown thanked the Judge and proceeded, “Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.”
He continued, “I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.”
“Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene.
He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her.
After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.”
Finally, farmer Brown came to the end of the story.
“The patrolman looked at me and said, ‘Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are YOU feeling’?”

dailyjokes.com


NANASUEH's Photo NANASUEH Posts: 76,191
5/21/21 11:06 A

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NANASUEH's Photo NANASUEH Posts: 76,191
5/20/21 11:06 A

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NANASUEH's Photo NANASUEH Posts: 76,191
5/20/21 11:06 A

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St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball.
Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.
“Very well,” said the gatekeeper of Heaven. “But you realize, I hope, that we’ve got all the good players and the best coaches.”
“I know, and that’s all right,” Satan answered unperturbed. “We’ve got all the umpires.”

dailyjokes.com


NANASUEH's Photo NANASUEH Posts: 76,191
5/20/21 11:06 A

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NANASUEH's Photo NANASUEH Posts: 76,191
5/19/21 12:05 P

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NANASUEH's Photo NANASUEH Posts: 76,191
5/19/21 12:05 P

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After their baby was born, the panicked new father went to see the obstetrician Dr. Cohen.
“Doctor,” Mr. Spiegel said, “I don’t mind telling you, but I’m a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can’t possibly be mine.”
“Nonsense,” the doctor said. “Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.”
“It isn’t possible,” the man insisted. “This can’t be, our families on both sides had jet black hair for generations.”
“Well,” said the doctor, “let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?”
Spiegel seemed a bit ashamed. “I’ve been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months”
“There you have it!” the doctor Cohen said confidently. “It’s just rust.”

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NANASUEH's Photo NANASUEH Posts: 76,191
5/19/21 12:04 P

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NANASUEH's Photo NANASUEH Posts: 76,191
5/18/21 11:06 A

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NANASUEH's Photo NANASUEH Posts: 76,191
5/18/21 11:06 A

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I ordered an extension course, “How to Deal With Life’s Disappointments”. Yesterday, I got the first lesson by post. It was an empty envelope.

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NANASUEH's Photo NANASUEH Posts: 76,191
5/18/21 11:06 A

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NANASUEH's Photo NANASUEH Posts: 76,191
5/17/21 11:22 A

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NANASUEH's Photo NANASUEH Posts: 76,191
5/17/21 11:21 A

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A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation.
There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.
The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, “Oh! We have. wheat fields that are at least twice as large.”
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle.
The Texan immediately says, “We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.”
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of
kangaroos hopping through the field.
He asks, “And what are those?”
The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, “Don’t you have any grasshoppers in Texas?”

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NANASUEH's Photo NANASUEH Posts: 76,191
5/17/21 11:21 A

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