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4/20/09 5:16 A

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Angels from a childs perspective...

Angels don't eat, but they drink milk from Holy
Cows!!! -Jack, age 6

When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath again, somewhere there's a tornado. -Reagan, age 10

What I don't get about angels is why, when someone
is in love, they shoot arrows at them. -Sarah, age 7

I only know the names of two angels, Hark and Harold. Gregory, age 5

Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos anymore. I forget why, but scientists are working on it -Olive, age 9

Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal
sick animals and pets. And if they don't make the animals get better, they help the child get over it. -Vicki, age 8

T-idy house 15p
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D-o exercise of day100p
D-aily 5 fr/veg 5p
Y-ou time 15p


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4/17/09 7:52 P

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At a recent computer expo (COMDEX),Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:
'If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part ):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........
Twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only f ive percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off




T-idy house 15p
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D-o exercise of day100p
D-aily 5 fr/veg 5p
Y-ou time 15p


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4/7/09 3:27 P

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a cute one...


A robber breaks into a home and hears a voice say, "Jesus is watching you."

Startled, he asks, "Who said that?"

Again, the voice says, "Jesus is watching you."

The robber turns around to see a parrot. He asks the parrot what his name is. The parrot replies, "Cornelius."

The robber asks, "Who names a parrot 'Cornelius'?"

The parrot replies, "The same person who named that rottweiler behind you Jesus."

“Work like you don’t need the money. Love like you’ve never been hurt. Dance like nobody’s watching.”


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11/13/08 4:38 A

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Blonde Cookbook







It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.



Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper



A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.



Today Tom asked for salad again I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden..



I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I don't have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.



Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius.. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.



GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week! I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.





A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's

a ' peel and win' sticker on her coffee cup.
So she peels it off and starts screaming,

'I've won a motor home!

I've won a motor home!'



The waitress says, 'That's impossible.



The biggest prize is a free Lunch.?'


But the blonde keeps on screaming,


'I've won a motor home!

I've won a motor home!'


Finally, the manager comes over and says,

'Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken.


You couldn't have possibly won a motor home

because we didn't have that as a prize.


The blonde says, 'No, it's not a mistake.

I've won a motor home!'

And she hands the ticket to the

manager and HE reads...






'W I N A B A G E L'




“Work like you don’t need the money. Love like you’ve never been hurt. Dance like nobody’s watching.”


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11/3/08 3:39 P

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oh my word...that is such a perfect one for my language school..think i will post on the bulletin board as well as in the website !!!!! fuuuuunnnnyyyyy...

T-idy house 15p
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Y-ou time 15p


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11/3/08 4:16 A

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A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'
A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups,
male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether
computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked
to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the
feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to commu nic ate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible
later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half
your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine
('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE
the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.



“Work like you don’t need the money. Love like you’ve never been hurt. Dance like nobody’s watching.”


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10/28/08 3:45 A

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Women's Ass Size Study, There is a new study just released by the British Psychiatric Association, about women and how they feel about their asses. The results are pretty shocking: 1. Only 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big. 2. 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small. 3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him; he's a good man and they would have married him anyway.



“Work like you don’t need the money. Love like you’ve never been hurt. Dance like nobody’s watching.”


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10/28/08 3:32 A

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Once upon a time a man appeared in a village and announced to the
villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.
The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out
to the forest and started catching them.
The man bought thousands at $10 and, as supply started to diminish,
the villagers stopped their effort. He next announced that he would
now buy monkeys at $20 each. This renewed the efforts of the
villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going
back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply
of monkeys became so scarce it was an effort to even find a monkey,
let alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 each! However,
since he had to go to the city on some business, his
assistant would buy on his behalf.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers: "Look
at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has already
collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns
from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."
The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys.
They never saw the man or his assistant again, only lots and lots of
monkeys!
Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.



“Work like you don’t need the money. Love like you’ve never been hurt. Dance like nobody’s watching.”


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10/17/08 1:09 P

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One evening after work, a man drove his secretary home
after she had a little too much to drink at a party.
Although nothing happened, he decided not to mention it to
his wife.

Later that night, the man and his wife were driving to a
movie when he spotted a high-heeled shoe hidden under the
passenger seat. Pointing to something out the passenger
window to distract his wife, he picked up the shoe and
tossed it out of his window.

They arrived at the theater a short time later and were
about to get out of the car when his wife asked,
"Honey, have you seen my other shoe?"

"This is where lives are made, in these moments.. when you chose whether or not to say I can or I can't ~ Jillian Michaels"







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10/17/08 12:20 P

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Heres a cute one...

A yong woman had a date with a circus sword swallower. She had never seen a sword swallower before, so she asked him to perform for her. He began swallowing some pins and needles.

"Those aren't swords," said the girl. "They are just pines and needles."

"I know," said the sword swallower. "But I'm on a diet."

"This is where lives are made, in these moments.. when you chose whether or not to say I can or I can't ~ Jillian Michaels"







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10/17/08 11:30 A

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HAHA Good one Rita! Love it!

"This is where lives are made, in these moments.. when you chose whether or not to say I can or I can't ~ Jillian Michaels"







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10/16/08 7:00 A

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An Italian taxi driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the cabbie, St. Peter invites him to pick up a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven.

A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watching these proceedings with interest. He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon scanning the preacher's entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says, "Okay, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff."

The preacher is astonished and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that Italian taxi driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie."

St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: "This is heaven and up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept.
When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed.



“Work like you don’t need the money. Love like you’ve never been hurt. Dance like nobody’s watching.”


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10/16/08 6:54 A

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Two delicate blossoms of Southern femininity, one from Mississippi and the other from Texas, were conversing on the porch swing of a large white-pillared mansion.
The Mississippian said, "When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me." The Texan lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice?"

The lady from Mississippi continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me that fine Cadillac automobile you see parked in the drive."
Again, the Texas lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice?"

The first woman boasted, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet." Yet again, the Texas lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice?"

The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"

The Texas lady replied, "My husband sent me to charm school."
"Charm school!" the first woman cried. "what on Earth for?"

The Texas lady responded, "So that instead of saying, 'Who gives a crap,' I learned to say, 'Well, isn't that nice?'"


“Work like you don’t need the money. Love like you’ve never been hurt. Dance like nobody’s watching.”


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10/14/08 1:08 P

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LMAO

THATS A GOOD ONE!!!!

THANKS

“Work like you don’t need the money. Love like you’ve never been hurt. Dance like nobody’s watching.”


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10/14/08 12:51 P

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FOOTBALL AND THE BLONDE......

Out of all the blonde jokes, this one has to be the best!

Football FINALLY makes sense..........

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football
game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the
game, he asked Her how she liked the experience.

'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the
tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why
they were killing each other over 25 cents.'

Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'

'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for
the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the
quarterback! Get the Quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!

"This is where lives are made, in these moments.. when you chose whether or not to say I can or I can't ~ Jillian Michaels"







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10/12/08 12:15 P

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Yessiree those cowboys may look dumb but they have some smarts in reserve...thanks for sharing ...

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10/8/08 2:37 P

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Lawyer and Cowboy


A lawyer and a cowboy are sitting next to each other on a
long flight. The lawyer is thinking that cowboys are so dumb
he could put one over on them easy...

So the lawyer asks if the cowboy would like to play a fun
game. The cowboy is tired and just wants to take a nap, so
he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. 'I
ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer,
you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know
the answer, I will pay you $500.

This catches the cowboy's attention and to keep the
lawyer quiet, agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the
distance from the Earth to the moon?' The cowboy
doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a
five-dollar bill, and hands it to t he lawyer.

Now, it's the cowboy's turn. He asks the lawyer,
'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down
with four?'

The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He
uses the air phone; he searches the Net and even the Library
of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he
knows, all to no avail.

After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes
up the cowboy and hands him $500. He pockets the $500 goes
right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes
him up and asks, 'So, what goes up a hill with three
legs and comes down with four?'


The cowboy reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and
goes back to sleep.



“Work like you don’t need the money. Love like you’ve never been hurt. Dance like nobody’s watching.”


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9/18/08 2:37 P

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The One Flaw In Women

By the time the Lord made woman,

He was into his sixth day of working overtime.

An angel appeared and said,

'Why are you spending so much time on this one?'

And the Lord answered, 'Have you seen my spec sheet on her?

She has to be completely washable, but not plastic,

have over 200 movable parts, all replaceable

and able to run on diet coke and leftovers,

have a lap that can hold four children at one time,

have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart

-and she will do everything

with only two hands.'

The angel was astounded at the requirements.

'Only two hands!? No way!

And that's just on the standard model?

That's too much work for one day.

Wait until tomorrow to finish.'

'But I won't, ' the Lord protested.

'I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own
heart.

She already heals herself when she is sick

AND can work 18 hour days.'

The angel moved closer and touched the woman.

'But you have made her so soft, Lord.'

'She is soft,' the Lord agreed,

'but I have also made her tough.

You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish.'

'Will she be able to think?', asked the angel.

The Lord replied,

'Not only will she be able to think,

she will be able to reason and negotiate.'

The angel then noticed something,

and reaching out, touched the woman's cheek.

'Oops, it looks like you have a leak in this model.

I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one.'

'That's not a leak,'

the Lord corrected,

'that's a tear!'

'What's the tear for?' the angel asked.

The Lord said, 'The tear is her way of expressing her joy,

her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her love,

her loneliness, her grief and her pride.'

The angel was impressed.

'You are a genius, Lord.

You thought of everything!

Woman is truly amazing.'

And she is!

Women have strengths that amaze men.

They bear hardships and they carry burdens,

but they hold happiness,

love and joy.

They smile when they want to scream.

They sing when they want to cry.

They cry when they are happy

and laugh when they are nervous.

They fight for what they believe in.

They stand up to injustice.

They don't take 'no' for an answer

when they believe there is a better solution.

They go without so their family can have.

They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.

They love unconditionally.

They cry when their children excel

and cheer when their friends get awards.

They are happy when they hear about

a birth or a wedding.

Their hearts break when a friend dies.

They grieve at the loss of a family member,

yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.

They know that a hug and a kiss

can heal a broken heart.

Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.

They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you

to show how much they care about you.

The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning.

They bring joy, hope and love.

They have compassion and ideals.

They give moral support to their family and friends.

Women have vital things to say and everything to give

HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE TINY FLAW IN WOMEN,

IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.


“Work like you don’t need the money. Love like you’ve never been hurt. Dance like nobody’s watching.”


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9/13/08 4:44 P

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Urgent Warning Regarding IDentity Theft!.

A dear friend brought this to my attention and I felt honor bound to share it with all of you immediately, as this malicious woman has already begun to show signs at my place as well!

And if she should attack any of our male members, it could prove to be quite embarrassing for them as well! You'll find all the information at the following link:

www.bittybitznpieces.com/WhoIsShe.ht
m


Stay safe,
Rita

Edited by: RITA67 at: 9/13/2008 (16:43)
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EMMASMART's Photo EMMASMART SparkPoints: (0)
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9/12/08 9:50 A

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Do not show this to my husband!

Emma




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9/11/08 11:08 A

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A Husbands narration...

Last night my wife and I were sitting in the
living room, talking about life.... we talked about the idea of living
on life support or dying without it ..

I said to her: ' Never let me live in a vegetative state ... totally
dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle...

If you see me in that state , I want you to disconnect all the
contraptions that are keeping me alive, I'd much rather die'.

She got up from the sofa with this real look of admiration towards
me...and proceeded to disconnect the TV, the Cable, the Dish, the
DVD,the Computer, the Cell Phone, the Ipod, and the Xbox,
and then went to the fridge and threw away all
my beer!!

...I ALMOST DIED!!!


“Work like you don’t need the money. Love like you’ve never been hurt. Dance like nobody’s watching.”


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9/10/08 10:29 P

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Hey that's my state you are funning with so appropriately.

Emma




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9/10/08 3:13 A

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Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home in

Ft. Lauderdale reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the

green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness

of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.



The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger

and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could

buy for a penny a piece.



The third old lady remarked, 'I can't hear a word you're saying, but I

remember the guy you're talking about.





****************************************
******************



A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida

Adult community. A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the

bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, 'Are you a stranger here?'



He replies, 'I lived here years ago.'



'So, where were you all these years?'



'In prison,' he says.



'Why did they put you in prison?'



He looked at her, and very quietly said, 'I killed my wife.'



'Oh!' said the woman. 'So you're single...?!'





****************************************
******************



Two elderly people living in Ft. Myers , he was a widower and she a

widow, had known each other for a number of years.



One evening there was a community supper in the big arena in the

Clubhouse. The two were at the same table, across from one another. As

the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally

gathered the courage to ask her, 'Will you marry me?'



After about six seconds of 'careful consideration, 'she answered 'Yes.

Yes, I will!'



The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to

their respective places.



Next morning, he was troubled. 'Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?'



He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall, not

even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and

called her.



First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then

he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage,

he inquired, 'When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ' Yes' or

did you say 'No'?'



He was delighted to hear her say, 'Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I

meant it with all my heart.' Then she continued, 'And I am so glad that

you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me.'



* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *





A man was telling his neighbor in Miami , 'I just bought a new hearing

aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's

perfect.'



'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'



'Twelve thirty.'



* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *



Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor in Estero to get a

physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street

with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.



A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're

really doing great, aren't you?'



'Just doing what you said, Doc : 'Get a hot mamma' and 'be cheerful.'

,Morris replied.



To which doctor said, 'I didn't say that, Morris. I said, 'You've got a

heart murmur, be careful!'



* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *



A little old man shuffled slowly into the 'Orange Dipper', an ice cream

parlor in Naples , and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.



After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.



The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'



No,' he replied, 'hemorrhoids!






“Work like you don’t need the money. Love like you’ve never been hurt. Dance like nobody’s watching.”


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9/9/08 1:30 P

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Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,'
said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'



Little Johnny's at it again..... A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks
they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

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9/4/08 2:59 P

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emoticon that was good, thanks for the laugh


“Work like you don’t need the money. Love like you’ve never been hurt. Dance like nobody’s watching.”


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9/3/08 5:20 A

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Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.'
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace.

Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!' The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.'
'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can wrap his todger around himself twice and then stick it in his ear.'

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.



The first floor has wives that love sex.



The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.



The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Edited by: TANIBEAR at: 9/3/2008 (05:44)
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8/9/08 11:58 A

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Rick forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry.

She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway
that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds

AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning, Rick got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window, and sure enough, there was a box
gift-wrapped
in the middle of the driveway . Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran
out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it
and found a brand-new bathroom scale.

Rick has been missing since Friday.

Please pray for him

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8/4/08 10:08 A

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This would especially puzzle Floridian me. We can NEVER walk on the water here.

Emma




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7/31/08 4:58 P

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21st Birthday

Bubba J had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems
that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk
on water on their 21st birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked
across the lake to the bar on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Bubba J's 21st birthday came a round, he and his pal Jim Bob took a
boat out to the middle of the lake, Bubba J stepped out of the boat and nearly
drowned! Jim Bob just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Bubba J went to see his grandmother. 'Grandma,' he
asked, 'it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my
pappy, his father, and his father before him?'

Granny looked deeply into Bubba J's troubled eyes and said, 'Because your
father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were born in January,
when the lake is frozen, and you were born in July, you 'idiot.'



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7/28/08 10:22 A

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Two snakes sliding along. Snake One asks Are we poisonous? Snake Two says I think So. Why? Snake One replies I bit my tongue!

............................

Before Marriage:
John - Ah, At last, I can hardly wait!
Jane - Do you want me to leave?
John - NO! Don't even think about it!
Jane - Do you love me?
John - Of course! Always have and always will.
Jane - Have you ever cheated on me?
John - No! Of course not! Why are you even asking?
Jane - Will you kiss me?
John - Every chance I get!
Jane - Will you hit me?
John - Hell no! Are you crazy?
Jane - Can I trust you?
John - Yes
Jane - Darling!

After Marriage....
Read from the bottom up!
................................

All women should live so long as to be this kind of old lady!

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question.

All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

'Mrs. Neely?'; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'

I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.

'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?'

'Ninety-eight.' she replied.

'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle,
faced the congregation, and said:
'I've outlived the bitches.'
.............................

A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how is manifests itself:
I decide to wash my car. As I start toward to the garage, I notice
that there is mail on the hall table. I decide to go through the
mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash
can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the
trash first, but then I think that since Im going to be near the
mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills
first.

I take my checkbook off the table and see that there is only one check
left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my
desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking. Im going
to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I
dont accidentally knock it over.

I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the
refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the
counter catches my eye they need to be watered.

I set the Coke down on the counter and I discover my reading glasses that Ive been searching for all morning.

I decide Id better put them back on my desk, but first Im going to
water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water,
and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight, when we go to watch TV, we will be looking for
the remote, but nobody will remember that its on the kitchen table, so

I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first Ill
water the flowers.

I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day; the car isnt washed, the bills arent paid,
there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers arent
watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I cant find the remote, I cant find my glasses, and I dont remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, Im really
baffled because I know I was busy all day long and Im really tired. I
realize this is a serious problem, and Ill try to get some help for it,
but first Ill check my e-mail.

Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to close friends you
know, because I dont remember to whom it has been sent.

Dont laugh - if this isnt you yet, your day is coming! And if I have
sent this to you before.well, now you know why youre getting it again.


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7/16/08 2:20 P

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CAT PUNS

Cat Scan: to look for a new cat.
Cataclysm: any great upheaval in a cat's life.
Catatonic: a feline medicinal drink.
Caterpillar: a soft scratching post for a cat.
Dog: a cat's device for running practice.
Door: something a cat always wants to be on the other side of.
Energy: the element of vitality cats always have an oversupply of until you try to play with them.
Human: an automatic door opener for cats.
Impurrsonate: to act like the cat.
Purrade: an organized march of cats.
Purradise: the garden of Cats.
Purramour: a cat lover.
Purranoia: the fear that your cat is up to something.
Purraphernalia: a cat's personal belongings.
Purrch: any favored feline napping spot.
Purrchase: anything bought for a cat.
Purrfume: the scent of an open can of tuna.
Purrgatory: a houseful of kittens.
Purrmission: a feline hunting expedition.
Purrpetual: everlasting feline love.
Purrplex: a house with two or more cats.
Purrson: a male kitten.
Purrsuit: the garment your shedding cat rubs against just as you are leaving home to go to an important meeting.
Purrverse: a poem about a wicked kitty.
Tooraloorailurophobia: an irrational fear of Irish cats.
Tuner: sonar-like device in cat food that causes cats to appear.
Yawn: a cat's honest opinion openly expressed.




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7/9/08 3:39 A

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Looks like no one has bothered to come here for awhile..be sure to look at least 3-4 posts down so you dont miss anything..

What's worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxi cabs!

How is cat food sold?
Usually purr can!

What noise does a cat make going down the highway?
Miaooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow!


What do you get if cross a cat with a canary?
Shredded tweet!

What is the difference between a cat and a comma?
One means pause at the end of a clause, and the other means
claws at the end of paws!

If a cat is a flabby tabby, then what is a very small cat?
An itty bitty kitty.


What is the best award a cat can earn?
The Purr-litzer prize.


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7/6/08 4:32 P

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Thought I would post some husband jokes in light of Beccainturkeys dilemma.....

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, 'Pardon me, ma' am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.'

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, 'No he didn't . He just walked in the door.'


*************************

A young couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, 'Are they relatives of yours?'

'Yes,' his wife replied. 'I married into the family.'

**********************



A woman found herself standing at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter greeted her and said, "These are the Gates to Heaven, my dear. But you must do one more thing before you can enter."

The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do.

"Spell a word," St. Peter replied.

"What word?" she asked.

"Any word," answered St. Peter. "It's your choice."

The woman promptly replied, "Then the word I will spell is love. L-O-V-E."

St. Peter welcomed her in, and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he took a break. So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter's chair when a man approaches the gates, and she realizes it is her husband.

"What happened?" she cried, "Why are you here?"

Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, "I was so upset when I left your funeral, I got in an accident. Did I really make it to Heaven?"

"Not yet," she replied, "You must spell a word first."

"What word?" he asked.

The woman responded, "Czechoslovakia."

**********************************




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6/30/08 5:32 A

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Any cat lovers out there? These are for Youuuuuu...

Where Cats Come From

It is reported that the following part of the Book of Genesis was discovered in the Dead Sea Scrolls. If authentic, it would shed light on the question, "Where do pets come from?"

And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it come to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility.

And the Lord said, " No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam.

And when Adam gazed into Cats eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.

And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved.

And Cat did not care one way or the other.

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6/28/08 10:23 P

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That's a good one Tani. Thanks for the chuckle =)

“Work like you don’t need the money. Love like you’ve never been hurt. Dance like nobody’s watching.”


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6/28/08 5:06 A

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An out-of-towner accidentally drives his car into a deep ditch on the side of a country road. Luckily a farmer happened by with his big old horse named Benny.

The man asked for help. The farmer said Benny could pull his car out. So he backed Benny up and hitched Benny to the man's car bumper.

Then he yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull." Benny didn't move.

Then he yelled, "Come on, pull Ranger." Still, Benny didn't move.

Then he yelled really loud, "Now pull, Fred, pull hard." Benny just stood.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Okay, Benny, pull."

Benny pulled the car out of the ditch.

The man was very appreciative but curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, "Oh, Benny is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling he wouldn't even try."

Not really so much a funny as an illustration of how I feel here at Spark...I have grown to depend on my spark buddies to keep me motivated to move :)

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6/3/08 3:10 P

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Never Lie To A Woman

A man called home to his wife and said,'Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends.
We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up.
'Oh, please pack my new blue silk pajamas.'

The wife thinks this sounds a bi t fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked?

The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish.

He said,'Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?'?

You'll love the answer...

The wife replied,

'I did. They're in your fishing box...'



Never Lie To A Woman...!!!


“Work like you don’t need the money. Love like you’ve never been hurt. Dance like nobody’s watching.”


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5/28/08 3:30 P

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It did not work for me. I am not 17 and the first number was not 6. I was adding wrong to much head math for a geek like me. I need a calculator.

Okay I 'm a geek so I had to figure it out. It WILL work next year. As long as you add 1 to each of the mystery numbers.

Edited by: EMMASMART at: 5/28/2008 (16:26)



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5/27/08 8:56 P

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That is so funny Rita! I love it!

This is my Life....not a DIET. Health and Happiness!


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5/27/08 4:55 P

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Will I Be 80

I recently turned 65 and had to choose a new primary care physician for my Medicare program.
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.


A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him 'Do you think I will live to be 80?'
He asked: Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I don't do drugs, either.'
'Do you have many friends and entertain frequently?'
'I said, 'No, I usually stay home and keep to myself'.

'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'
I said, 'No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.

'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said. 'I don't do any of those things.'

He looked at me and said, 'Then why do you give a #$&!?





“Work like you don’t need the money. Love like you’ve never been hurt. Dance like nobody’s watching.”


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5/27/08 4:38 P

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what the HELL?! How did that happen!?!?!!?!??!!??!!

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5/27/08 7:47 A

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WOW cool it works.

“Work like you don’t need the money. Love like you’ve never been hurt. Dance like nobody’s watching.”


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5/27/08 5:02 A

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YOUR AGE BY DINER & RESTAURANT MATH
DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
It takes less than a minute. Work this out as you read.
Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!
This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.
1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to go out to eat.
(more than once but less than 10)
2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)
3. Add 5
4. Multiply it by 50
5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1758...If you haven't, add 1757.
6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.
You should have a three digit number
The first digit of this was your original number. (i.e., How many times you want to go out to restaurants in a week.)
The next two numbers are
YOUR AGE ! ------ (Oh YES, it is!)

THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2008) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS



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5/26/08 4:07 A

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One time back in high school in grade 11 we had to go out and work for 2 weeks I think It was called COOP, to get work experience or something.
Any way when we got back to school we all talked about our time at work and one of my friend's John worked with some "interesting" people.
One day they said to him: John I want you to go up on the roof.
John: Yes
And cheek if we got any "Air mail".
Poor John turned and walked away before realizing what they had just said.
emoticon WHAT???

“Work like you don’t need the money. Love like you’ve never been hurt. Dance like nobody’s watching.”


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5/21/08 10:52 A

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I have something like that.

I had a boss who always wanted a 'copy' of the thing I was faxing. It never became clear to him that when you fax the original doesn't go anywhere.

Emma




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5/21/08 10:47 A

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I know I'm posting a lot of these but I have a few friends that seems to do nothing else but send my forwards, God love them, some I just have to pass along. Enjoy.



I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge..
I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave the
money back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY
favor. She became indignant and informed me she was Educated and
knew what she was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her
the Money back .... Same scenario! I departed the store with the
$46.64.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


I walked into a Starbucks with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a
Grande Latte. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little
chalkboard that said 'buy one-get one free.' 'They're already
buy-one-get-one-free,' she said, 'so I guess they're both free'. She
Handed me my free Lattes and I walked out the door.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of
them shouted, 'Look at that dead bird!'. Someone looked up at the
sky and said, 'Where'?
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent
which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want
the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise
in the North?' When my brother explained that the sun rises in the
East, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, 'Oh I
don't keep up with all that stuff.'
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a
seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went
to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my
bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because
she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she
asked me, 'has your plane arrived yet?'
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small
pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would
like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before
responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry
enough to eat 6 pieces.'
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

They reproduce, and Worst of all ............
THEY VOTE


“Work like you don’t need the money. Love like you’ve never been hurt. Dance like nobody’s watching.”


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5/21/08 4:46 A

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Stumpy and Martha............



Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."

And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."

Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."



“Work like you don’t need the money. Love like you’ve never been hurt. Dance like nobody’s watching.”


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5/13/08 2:46 P

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emoticon

Edited by: TANIBEAR at: 5/15/2008 (04:42)
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A MORAL TALE

In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums. And Satan said, 'You want hot fudge with that? And Man said, 'Yes!' And Woman said, 'I'll have one too with chocolate chips'. And lo they gained 10 pounds.

And God created the healthy yoghurt that woman might keep the figure that man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth white flour from the
Wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.

So God said, 'Try my fresh green salad'. And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said 'I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them'.

And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own platter, and Man's cholesterol went through the roof.

Then God brought forth the potato; naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.

Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds. God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds.

And Satan
Came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.

Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.

And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double cheeseburger. Then Satan said 'You want fries with that?' and Man replied, 'Yes, and super size 'em'. And Satan said, 'It is good.' And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed ......... And created quadruple by-pass surgery..

And then ............ Satan chuckled and created the National Health Service.

THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION
After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health.:

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
6. The French eat foie-Gras, full fat cheese and drink red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

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5/10/08 8:45 P

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The great thing about it was the pitcher and all the other boys on the other team Co-operated to give Shay his day.. That's what's special not a random act but a coordinated unspoken effort to ensure that they lost so this handicapped boy could win just one. Whew. I can't see what I am typing.

Emma




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5/10/08 3:45 P

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awhh, i have tears in my eyes. I love hearing things like that. it's so wonderful when people are not ignorant...we need more love in this world..just like that..

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That is beautiful and really started my day out on the most positive note...thankyou rita and have a lovely holiday!!!!

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5/9/08 7:07 P

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Well guys im off to my trip I hope there will be internet avalibale if not I will catch up with you when I get back. But I leave you with this story:

this is truly an amazing story ... I wish everyone in the world would be
able to do something special like that for a "special" kid.
CinziaTwo Choices
What would you do?....you make the choice. Don't look for a punch
line, there isn't one. Read it anyway. My question is: Would you
have
made the same choice?
At a fundraising dinner for a school that serves children with
learning disabilities, the father of one of the students delivered
a speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended. After
extolling the school and its dedicated staff, he offered a question:
'When not interfered with by outside influences, everything nature does, is
done with perfection.
Yet my son, Shay, cannot learn things as other children do.
He cannot understand things as other children do.
Where is the natural order of things in my son?'
The audience was stilled by the query.
The father continued. 'I believe that when a child like Shay, who was
mentally and physically disabled comes into the world, an opportunity to
realize true human nature presents itself, and it comes in the way other
people treat that child.'
Then he told the following story:
Shay and I had walked past a park where some boys Shay knew were playing baseball.
Shay asked, 'Do you think they'll let me play?'
I knew that most of the boys would not want someone like Shay on their
team, but as a father I also understood that if my son were allowed to
play, it would give him a much-needed sense of belonging and some
confidence to be accepted by others in spite of his handicaps.

I approached one of the boys on the field and asked (not expecting much)
if Shay could play.

The boy looked around for guidance and said, 'We're losing by six runs and
the game is in the eighth inning.

I guess he can be on our team and we'll try to put him in to batin the ninth inning.'
Shay struggled over to the team's bench and, with a broad smile, put on a
team shirt.
I watched with a small tear in my eye and warmth in my heart.
The boys saw my joy at my son being accepted.
In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay's team scored a few runs but was
still behind by three.
In the top of the ninth inning, Shay put on a glove and played in
the right field. Even though no hits came his way, he was obviously
ecstatic just to be in the game and on the field, grinning from ear to
ear as I waved to him from the stands.
In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay's team scored again.
Now, with two outs and the bases loaded, the potential winning run was on
base and Shay was scheduled to be next at bat.
At this juncture, do they let Shay bat and give away their chance to win
the game?

Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat. Everyone knew that a hit was all but
impossible because Shay didn't even know how to hold the bat properly,
much less connect with the ball.

However, as Shay stepped up to theplate, the pitcher, recognizing that the other team was putting
winning aside for this moment in Shay's life, moved in a few stepsto
lob the ball in softly so Shay could at least make contact.
The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed.

The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly
towards Shay.

As the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow ground
ball right back to the pitcher.

The game would now be over.

The pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could have easily
thrown
the ball to the first baseman.

Shay would have been out and that would have been the end of the
game.
Instead, the pitcher threw the ball right over the first baseman's
head, out of reach of all team mates.

Everyone from the stands and both teams started yelling, 'Shay,
run to first!

Run to first!'

Never in his life had Shay ever run that far, but he made it to
first base.

He scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled.


Everyone yelled, 'Run to second, run to second!'

Catching his breath, Shay awkwardly ran towards second, gleaming
and
struggling to make it to the base.

By the time Shay rounded towards second base, the right fielder had
the ball ... the smallest guy on their team who now had his first
chance to be the hero for his team.
He could have thrown the ball to the second-baseman for the tag, but
he understood the pitcher's intentions so he, too, intentionally
threw the ball high and far over the third-baseman's head.

Shay ran toward third base deliriously as the runners ahead of him
circled the bases toward home.
All were screaming, 'Shay, Shay, Shay, all the Way Shay'


Shay reached third base because the opposing shortstop ran to help
him by turning him in the direction of third base, and shouted,
'Run
to third!

Shay, run to third!'


As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams, and the
spectators,
were on their feet screaming, 'Shay, run home! Run home!'

Shay ran to home, stepped on the plate, and was cheered as the
hero
who hit the grand slam and won the game for his team


That day', said the father softly with tears now rolling down his
face, 'the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of true love
and
humanity into this world'.


Shay didn't make it to another summer. He died that winter, having
never forgotten being the hero and making me so happy, and coming
home and seeing his Mother tearfully embrace her little hero of the day!

AND NOW A LITTLE FOOT NOTE TO THIS STORY:

We all send thousands of jokes through the e-mail without a second
thought, but when it comes to sending messages about life choices,
people hesitate.

The crude, vulgar, and often obscene pass freely through
cyberspace,
but public discussion about decency is too often suppressed in our
schools and workplaces.
.
We all have thousands of opportunities every single day to help
realize the 'natural order of things.'

May your day, be a Shay Day.



“Work like you don’t need the money. Love like you’ve never been hurt. Dance like nobody’s watching.”


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5/8/08 4:06 P

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One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river,
her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and
asked, 'My dear child, why are you crying?' The seamstress replied that her
thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her
husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into
the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.

'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked The seamstress replied, 'No.'
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded
with rubies.

'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied,
'No.'
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.

'Is this your thimble ?' the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, 'Yes.' The
Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles
to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the
riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the
water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, 'Why are
you crying?' 'Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!'
The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. 'Is this
your husband?' the Lord asked.

'Yes,' cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. 'You lied! That is an
untruth!' The seamstress replied, 'Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a
misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would
have come up with Brad Pitt.

Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I
then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the
best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so
THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.
And so the Lord let her keep him.
The moral of this story is:

Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the
best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.
Signed,
All Us Women




“Work like you don’t need the money. Love like you’ve never been hurt. Dance like nobody’s watching.”


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5/8/08 4:05 P

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WHY I LOVE MOM


Mom and Dad were watching TV when Mom said, 'I'm tired, and it's getting late. I think I'll go to bed'

She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day's lunches.

Rinsed out the popcorn bowls, took meat out of the freezer for supper the following evening, checked the cereal box levels, filled the sugar container, put spoons and bowls on the table and started the coffee pot for brewing the next morning.

She then put some wet clothes in the dryer, put a load of clothes into the washer, ironed a shirt and secured a loose button.

She picked up the game pieces left on the table, put the phone back on the charger and put the telephone book into the drawer.

She watered the plants, emptied a wastebasket and hung up a towel to dry.

She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom. She stopped by the desk and wrote a note to the teacher, counted out some cash for the field trip, and pulled a text book out from hiding under the chair.

She signed a birthday card for a friend, addressed and stamped the envelope and wrote a quick note for the grocery store. She put both near her purse.
Mom then washed her face with 3 in 1 cleanser, put on her Night solution & age fighting moisturizer, brushed and flossed her teeth and filed her nails.

Dad called out, 'I thought you were going to bed.'

'I'm on my way,' she said.

She put some water into the dog's dish and put the cat outside, then made sure the doors were locked and the patio light was on.

She looked in on each of the kids and turned out their bedside lamps and TV's, hung up a shirt, threw some dirty socks into the hamper, and had a brief conversation with the one up still doing homework.

In her own room, she set the alarm; laid out clothing for the next day, straightened up the shoe rack. She added three things to her 6 most important things to do list She said her prayers, and visualized the accomplishment of her goals.

About that time, Dad turned off the TV and announced to no one in particular. 'I'm going to bed.'

And he did...without another thought.

Anything extraordinary here? Wonder why women live longer...?

CAUSE WE ARE MADE FOR THE LONG HAUL... (and we can't die sooner, we still have things to do!!!)

Send this to five phenomenal women today...they'll love you for it! I just did

THEN, GO TO BED!



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The cells in our body are mostly space. There's a lot of 'nothing' in us. But something makes the cells hold together. I read that some scientist refer to the space in our cells as the "God-stuff" Now those are very logical scientists and that's what they think.

If you hold your hand next to someone they can feel the heat through the air. It's the God-stuff talking. Just because you love science and are literal doesn't mean that you need be faithless! The two are not opposed.

I love this story but the boy was wrong. He saw God in the sky that must have been created. Even the blades of grass are more than we can do. We can grow from seed, but where is the seed from.

I'm probably the liberal in the room.

Emma




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LOVE IT...no offense taken!!!! then of course the logical male sitting over there who i just shared this with said...you can open it up and see it or take an xray....geez louise...i will stick to not thinking so deeply thankyou ..

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5/7/08 10:49 A

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I hope I don't offend anyone, I respect everyone's religious point of view, but I thought this was cute.

One Nation, "Under God".

One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in a
classroom. The teacher was going to explain
evolution to the children. The teacher asked
a little boy: Tommy do you see the tree
outside?

TOMMY: Yes.

TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass
outside?

TOMMY: Yes.

TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.
TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minuteslater) Yes, I saw the sky.

TEACHER: Did you see God up there?
TOMMY: No.

TEACHER: That's my point. We can't see
God because he isn't there. Possibly he just
doesn't exist.

A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the
boy some questions.

The teacher agreed and the little girl asked
the boy: Tommy, do you see the tree
outside?

TOMMY: Yes.

LITTLE GIRL: Tommy do you see the grass
outside?

TOMMY: Yessssss!

LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?

TOMMY: Yessssss!

LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the
teacher?

TOMMY: Yes

LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?

TOMMY: No

LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we
were taught today in school, she possibly
may not even have one!

(You Go Girl!)

FOR WE WALK BY FAITH, NOT BY SIGHT"
II CORINTHIANS 5:7


“Work like you don’t need the money. Love like you’ve never been hurt. Dance like nobody’s watching.”


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5/7/08 10:42 A

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emoticon


Funny stuff

“Work like you don’t need the money. Love like you’ve never been hurt. Dance like nobody’s watching.”


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5/7/08 6:16 A

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A man asked his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?" She said, "I'd love to be ten again." On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park - the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. She had a go on every ride there was. She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning. Then the were off to a movie theater where they ate popcorn and sweets and drank Cola. At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.

Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?" One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually, honey, I meant dress size!"

Q. What was the average age of a cave man?
A. Stone Age!

Q. What goes up and never comes down?
A. Your age!

Q. What party game do rabbits like to play?
A. Musical Hares!

Q. What did the bald man say when he got a comb for his birthday?
A. Thanks. I'll never part with it!


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5/6/08 4:54 P

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heeeheeeeee

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5/6/08 1:39 P

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that was cute rita. =)

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5/6/08 5:39 A

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Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry," said the first
one. "Let's fly down and find some lunch." They flew down to the ground and
found a nice plot of newly ploughed ground that was full of worms. They ate
and ate and ate till they could eat no more. "I am so full, I don't think I
can fly back up into the tree," said the first one. "Let's just lay back
here and bask in the warm sun," said the second. "OK," said the first. ?So
they plopped down, basking in the sun.
No sooner than they had fallen asleep, when a big fat tomcat sneaks up and
gobbles them up. As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he
thought... "I JUST LOVE BASKIN ROBINS."



If you don't know the pun "BASKIN ROBINS" is the 31 favors ice cream store.



Edited by: RITA67 at: 5/6/2008 (08:11)
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5/1/08 3:38 P

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Thats always a good one!!! lol

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KITTYKAT_MEOW Posts: 471
5/1/08 10:21 A

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hahaha. that was fantastic Rita!

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RITA67's Photo RITA67 Posts: 720
5/1/08 3:24 A

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NEVER ARGUE WITH A WOMAN

One morning, a husband returns his boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing
and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors,
puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent. Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?' 'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?'). You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her. 'I'm
sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.' 'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.' 'If you do that, I'll have
to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman. 'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden. 'That's true, but you have all the
equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.' 'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads.
It's likely she can also think.

“Work like you don’t need the money. Love like you’ve never been hurt. Dance like nobody’s watching.”


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RITA67's Photo RITA67 Posts: 720
4/28/08 3:36 A

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LMAO... That's a good one. thanks for the chuckle

“Work like you don’t need the money. Love like you’ve never been hurt. Dance like nobody’s watching.”


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4/28/08 2:10 A

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ITALIAN PASTA DIET -- IT REALLY WORKS !!

1.. You walk pasta da bakery.

2.. You walka pasta da candy store.

3.. You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.

4.. You walka pasta da table and fridge.

You will lose weight!

AND....

CONCERNED ABOUT TOO MANY CARBS IN YOUR DIET?

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on
nutrition and health.
It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting
nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than
the English.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.



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4/27/08 5:12 P

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Knock Knock.

Whos there?

Water

Water who?

What are you doing?!!


(really water you gonna be doing the next 3 days) emoticon

Edited by: TANIBEAR at: 4/28/2008 (02:07)
T-idy house 15p
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D-o exercise of day100p
D-aily 5 fr/veg 5p
Y-ou time 15p


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EMMASMART's Photo EMMASMART SparkPoints: (0)
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4/25/08 1:13 P

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What a hideous pun! Thanks!




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RUN-KIM-RUN's Photo RUN-KIM-RUN Posts: 778
4/25/08 11:39 A

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Funny Funny I know only one joke so I will save it untill we all meet in Istanbul next summer:)

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RITA67's Photo RITA67 Posts: 720
4/25/08 10:08 A

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OK here is something a friend sent to me, bound to but a smile on your face:




A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting

at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

'I'm sure that must have embarrassed you so let me pay for your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks.
They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he listens, he shares his and she listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap.

They have a wonderful, wonderful time.

Since it was 3:00 am, she cooks a gourmet breakfast with all the trimmings.
The guy is amazed and totally impressed. Everything had been so incredible !


'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every
guy you meet? ''No,' she replies. . . .

'You just happened to catch my eye.


“Work like you don’t need the money. Love like you’ve never been hurt. Dance like nobody’s watching.”


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EMMASMART's Photo EMMASMART SparkPoints: (0)
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4/25/08 9:34 A

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This was very funny.

Emma




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RITA67's Photo RITA67 Posts: 720
4/24/08 7:24 A

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An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her
Period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the man that did this
To you?
I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a
Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished
Man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of
A Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and
Tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.

I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll
Take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the
Rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail
Stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a
$4,000,000 bank account.
If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly
On the man's shoulder and tells him.

"You gonna try again."













Edited by: RITA67 at: 4/24/2008 (07:24)
“Work like you don’t need the money. Love like you’ve never been hurt. Dance like nobody’s watching.”


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TANIBEAR's Photo TANIBEAR SparkPoints: (0)
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4/24/08 4:27 A

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TWENTY EIGHT LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought
he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
8. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
9. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
10. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck- is-the-room- spinning
medicine.
11. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
12. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
13. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
14. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
15. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
16. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
17. Procrastinate Now!
18. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
19. A hangover is the wrath of grapes
20. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
21. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
22. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
23. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
24. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three
thousand times the memory.
25. Ham and eggs ..A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment
for a pig.
26. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
27. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Weston.
28. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

T-idy house 15p
E-xercise of choice 60 p
D-o exercise of day100p
D-aily 5 fr/veg 5p
Y-ou time 15p


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