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5/8/09 4:37 P

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A Mother's Dictionary
Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.

Defense: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let the children play outside.

Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.

Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster

Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

Full name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

Look out: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.

Preprared childbirth: A contradiction in terms.

Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.

Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.

Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

Two-minute warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

Verbal: Able to whine in words

Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.

Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."


T-idy house 15p
E-xercise of choice 60 p
D-o exercise of day100p
D-aily 5 fr/veg 5p
Y-ou time 15p


 current weight: 194.0 
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197.75
179.5
161.25
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TANIBEAR's Photo TANIBEAR SparkPoints: (0)
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Posts: 3,543
5/8/09 4:36 P

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My Mother Taught Me About...

My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...

"Just wait until your father gets home."

My Mother taught me about RECEIVING....

"You are going to get it when we get home!"

My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE...

"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you! Don't talk back to me!"

My Mother taught me LOGIC...

"If you fall out off that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE...

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD...

"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."

My Mother taught me HUMOR...

"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

My Mother taught me about GENETICS...

"You're just like your father."

My Mother taught me about my ROOTS...

"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE...

"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

And last but not least...

My Mother taught me about JUSTICE...

"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you....Then you'll see what it's like!"



T-idy house 15p
E-xercise of choice 60 p
D-o exercise of day100p
D-aily 5 fr/veg 5p
Y-ou time 15p


 current weight: 194.0 
216
197.75
179.5
161.25
143
TANIBEAR's Photo TANIBEAR SparkPoints: (0)
Fitness Minutes: (4,952)
Posts: 3,543
5/8/09 4:36 P

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Prison Versus Housewives
In prison, you get three square meals a day.

At home, you cook three square meals a day and try to get your kids to eat it.

In prison, you get an hour each day in the yard to exercise and mingle.

At home you get to clean the yard up so you can mow it so your kids can spread more toys all over it so that you can go out and clean it again because little Jr. can't sleep without his latest lego creation.

In prison, you get to watch TV, cable even.

At home, you get to listen to your children fight over the remote control and get treated to hours and hours of mindless cartoons thanks to cable.

In prison, you can read whatever you want and attend college for free.

At home, you get to read weekly readers starring Dick, Jane, and Spot and worry about how to send Jr. to college and still be able to eat for the next twenty years.

In prison, all your medical care is free.

At home, you have to pawn your mother's silver and fill out trillions of papers for insurance and hope the doctor will see you before you die.

In prison, if you have visitors, all you do is go to a room, sit, talk and then say good-bye when you are ready or your time is up.

At home, you get to clean for days in advance and then cook and clean up after your guests and hope that they will one day leave.

In prison, you can spend your free time writing letters or just hang out in your own space all day.

At home, you get to clean your space and everyone else's space, too, and what the heck is free time again?

In prison, you get your own personal toilet.

At home, you have to physically hold the bathroom door shut in order to keep from having someone standing over you demanding to know how long till you're done so you can do something for them.

In prison, the prison laundry takes care of all your dirty clothes.

At home, you get to take care of them yourself, plus everybody else's, and get yelled at because somebody's favorite shirt isn't clean.

In prison, they take you everywhere you need to go.

At home, you take everybody else where they need to go.

In prison, the guards transport all your personal effects for you and make sure nothing is missing.

At home, you have to lug around everybody else's stuff in your purse and then wonder who went in it and took your last dollar.

In prison, there are no screaming or whining children or spouses asking you to do something else for them, or screaming at you because you didn't.

At home....stop me when I get to the downside of jail, will ya?


T-idy house 15p
E-xercise of choice 60 p
D-o exercise of day100p
D-aily 5 fr/veg 5p
Y-ou time 15p


 current weight: 194.0 
216
197.75
179.5
161.25
143
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